Monthly Archives: June 2012

Mail Order Affluence

So long suckas!

I got a lucky break!

A crown Prince from Nigeria

Has had trouble with the banks.


He’s offering me a deal

That I cannot refuse.

A hundred million dollars,

And he says it’s not a ruse.


I sent off to him my SSN

and bank account info today.

I should be awfully wealthy

By Sunday, and then hey!


Hey I’m stinking rich, all y’all!

Hey I’m as kingly as Kong.

And I helped bring about a dictator’s downfall.

What about this could possibly be wrong?

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I’m Back!

Turgid flames and swollen fire,

I evoke my wrath and all my ire

And crack the whip of impending doom

For the travesty master is back, full of wisdom-toothless gloom.


His gums are sown shut with medical wire.

He eats liquid food, but his mood does not mire.

He knows within days he’ll be healed up just fine,

But ’til then, human flesh he must wait on to dine.


So thus I am back, and just as lousy as ever.

I’ll continue to write, since that is my endeavor.

So welcome me back with comment or two.

If you don’t, rest assured, I know where live you.

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I’m under a lot of pressure

To create a poem for your pleasure

Because your regular author has teeth

(More precisely though, the lack of said teeth)

So I hope this is bad enough.


Geology takes ages

And everything happens in stages,

But I’m luck enough to find

That I have a superior mind.

It helps that the teacher is hot.


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Another Personal Note

Hello readers!


Alas, a blight has come upon me, this 27th day of June.

The desntists office calls to me tomorrow afternoon (morning actually, but that didn’t rhyme).

My widom teeth need be pulled out, and so you’ll plainly see

That tomorrow afternoon my mouth will be dumb and bloated as the rest of me.


However I write this personal note, in meter, or in the South, in miter

To inform you that the poem tomorrow will be written by a fabulous guest writer.

This writer is my sister, and a telented poet herself.

Sure she lacks my rugged good looks, but at least she has her health.


So thus my letter concludes to you.

I will be back, so don’t be blue.

On the 29th my brain shall function

Unsedated, with thoughts of poetic junction.


As sincerely as can be accepted from a total stranger who writes crappy poems on the internet,


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What Women Want

I hear that women like a man

Who is direct and honest,

But also one who gives them space

And upon them does not fawnest (too much).


They like a man who’s tall and strong

and handsome, dark, and committed

Yet they want a man who’s sensitive too,

Which make me think they don’t get it.


Women want an older man

Who are already stable providers.

They also want younger men

And artsy types, like writers.


And thus I must conclude today,

Although there’s no surprise.

That women don’t know what they want,

A fact they poorly disguise.


So men, I do bring happy news.

You need not be handsome or tough,

‘Cause some woman out there is sufficiently crazy

To like you if, you wait long enough.



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Haiku and Rhyming Rant on the Earth’s Most Perfect Job (With an unwritten salute to unnecessarily long titles, and other worldly pleasures)

I heard from a friend a short while ago

That a Haiku’s purpose is to tell a story

Using as few words as possible, and so

Here are some Haikus, in their polysyllabic glory.


“Many desperately

Ask the world for love and cash.

Many are ignored.”


Now, it seems I must confess

That Haiku was really depressing.

Perhaps optimism would redress

The view of life I was stressing?


“Many people ask

The world to give happiness.

Sometimes earth complies.”


Still not there yet, so I think

It’s time to make it fun.

I will now rewrite a chink

and replace it with a pun.


“Lots of folks get screwed

By the world for doing stuff.

Drillers, thus, are happy.”


And thus we stumble on the truth:

That two lines from now I’ll rhyme with lurker.

So by haiku we see, and we call “foresooth!”

To be happy, be a construction worker.



Where screwing something means you did your job right.


See “Construction”


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Blog Spam

Dear reader, I would like to say

That I learned something new today.

And, though I shouldn’t be, shocked I am

That people leave comments that are spam.


For instance, one I got today

Was a comment that did say

That my posting was informative.

Did they misread it, or are they conformative?


Anyone who reads and thinks

My posts are meaningful has indulged in drinks

Except for the infrequent ones,

But they are seldom very fun.


So if you think “this is good written”

Please do not make it something written.

I do not want to read your spam.

I already have some, Sam-I-Am.


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Why do we condemn those who are angry?

Are they not simply being honest with us?

Why do we condemn those who are slothful?

It’s a pity more people don’t ignore the world’s fuss.


Why do we condemn others for greed or envy?

Are those not what motivates us to succeed?

Why do we condemn others for gluttony or lust,

When our species survives by fulfilling these needs.


And why do we condemn anyone for their pride?

Why is humility praised above truth?

Why, when we tell others of achievements and actions

They think we are sinful, uncouth.


In this world full of sinners, there are only two sins

That are unforgivable to me.

The first is to harm, out of of malice or not.

The other is not to be free.


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I really hate persons

Who dont right good.

They should learn to use grammar;

Oh yes: they should.


Its such a simple thing

To do good at.

Me and my friends

Dont think grammars old-hat.


So take grammar back!

Take the, pledge, today,

Grammars real important.

Hip Hip; Hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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People tell me that I’m bad.

People say I’m going to Hell.

I just smile and agree with them,

And say “and you’ll be coming as well.”


Let’s face it guys, which is more fun:

A land of clouds and harps

Or a land of fire with a snazzy king

Who collects your blood in tarps?


Ok, perhaps that was a bad example.

But please look at it this way.

The devil was banished for being vengeful.

A rebellion will come any day.


And when there comes that fateful day

When Hell rises against Heaven,

I don’t want to fight with a harp,

So give me fire and a guy named Kevin (don’t ask me why).


Anyway, I’m going down when I die.

Hope you’ll join me, but if not, good bye!

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