Monthly Archives: August 2012

The Breakup Dialogues

“Darling, I want you to quite your job

As a women’s fitness guru.

I don’t like you being around those skinny women.”

“With some work honey, you could be one too!”


“I really love this video game.

I really really do!

It’s unlike anything in my life right now:

It’s makes me feel like a dream came true.”


My wife told me a joke today.

“What’s purple and wears a bra?”

I answered with the first thing on my mind.

“Could it be my mother in law?”


“Why honey, it’s time

For me to give you thanks.

I had the orgasm of my life today

When you drove me to the sperm banks.”

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When Inspiration (Doesn’t) Strike

This Happens

(Continued in Tags)

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A cloud of partially frozen testosterone wafts across the ice,

A mist of legends past and present.

The fans sit, digesting grease and salt on uncomfortable seats.

The timer starts, the buzzer rings, the announcer screams,

And the teams emerge from the limbo beyond civilian comprehension.

The goalies go to their nets,

The captains to the center,

And they sing the anthems of allied nations,

Friends amidst the competition.

Then the rink explodes!

A flurry of sticks, pucks, and teeth without homes.

Lights flash, buzzers ring, plastic shatters and jerseys tear.

This repeats three times,

And the losers exit loudly.

But the winners stay.

They stay, and whether it’s their first or last time

They experience that fleeting joy

That lasts forever.

The joy of victory.

The joy of hockey.

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I wrote a limerick for you

About apathy, but I didn’t care to

Post it today

So in my quite lazy way

I’m not posting it here, so boo hoo.

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The Real You

(G)                              (C)

I do not like those other girls

(D)                            (G)

Who wear their hair in silly curls.

(Em)                 (C)

I don’t like other girls like you,

(D7)              (G)

I only like the real you.


(G)                    (CMaj7)

I don’t like other blue-eyed ladies.


I don’t drive cars that look like a Mercedes.

(Em)                                      (C)

I won’t take periwinkle when I can have blue,

(D7)                     (G)

And I only love the real you.



So if you look at magazines

(F)                              (F7)

And think you need that dress or jeans,

(C)              (G)

Think again. You’re fine as is.

(D7)                   (G)

It’s the real you I want to kiss.


Bridge:  G, DMaj7, CMaj7, Em, B, Em, A7



Every morning I wake up,

(G)                         (Em)

I take a sip from my coffee cup.

(G)                        (AMaj7)

I’ll bide my time and hide my blues

(G7)                    (D)

Until you’re mine: The real you.


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Your Mom

“I’d like to give a fuck,” he said

As he looked me in the eye,

“But I’m afraid I used my last one up

On your mother the other night.”


And so I asked the fellow,

“Why does it make you proud

To look me in my eye right here

And announce unto the crowd


That you expended a limited sex drive,

and, if I might ask, why in Hades

Would you be so very proud

To score with middle aged ladies?”


And so he slunk off quietly,

And to those who know folks like him:

Do the world a favor,

Just find the guy and spike him!

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How to Enhance your Boredom

Every now and agin,

When entertainment is thin,

We human beings get bored.

But why must it be

That if bored are we

We cannot have fun?  Oh my lord!


For instance if you’ll

Be bored in a pool

That means you’re water board.

And if you find eating dull,

And your food brings a lull,

Then alternatively, you’re fodder bored.


If you’re bored with computers

And can’t define transmuters

Chances are you’re circuit board.

And if you want to have sex,

But you’re bored and depressed,

Go ahead and just furk it bored.


When you go on a sailboat

You’re boarding a ship.

When your date is boring

Just give them the slip.

If you’re on rollers or ice

You could be skate board,

And if you cannot be early,

Be late bored!


And finally if a lion

Who live out in Zion

Whose name is Ford, has roared,

Then it’s quite possible

That specific sort of dull

Is to be as lion Ford roared bored!

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