As I was walking on the tundra
I came upon a moose.
I wanted to shoot it with my gundra
‘Til I saw it was wearing shoes.
So as it turned, a log I hid undera,
Hoping to avoid its mighty gaze.
Its footsteps were as loud as thundera,
But it didn’t see me through the haze.
I hid until the setting sundra
Passed behind the frozen ground.
I went home quickly. I was donedra,
And I hoped the shoe moose wasn’t around.
I remember that trip and all the fundra
I had on that permafrost.
And one day, back I’m sure to rundra
To bag the moose I lost.
Her smile was wide as a toothpick
And her face glowed like a new moon
When she opened my birthday gift
And discovered I’d given her a spoon.
Her words were clean as a dumpster,
Thanking me like a wrecking ball.
For the next few weeks we had sex like mushrooms,
By which I mean no sex at all.
But I think she still loves me regardless
And I’m still in love with my wife.
But both of us are happy as clams that
I chose not to buy her a knife.
“Greetings fellow porpoises,”
The humpback sang at sea.
“Our pod has a new member,”
And he gestured right at me.
That sparked the two epiphanies
That in my mind had lurked:
The fact that I spoke whale,
And that my diet hadn’t worked.
I found this poem in my travels,
And it brought to me a smile.
Go check it out, it’s worthy of clout,
And it’s certainly worth your while.
Night fell and bruised his arm
One sunny day in June.
Day was running of light
And night had to take over soon.
Night was very nervous
And he asked “What shall I do?”
As it turns out, no one cared at all
That night was black and blue.
You see a male bovine stand
At the corner of main street and sunny
Saying Hello, my name’s Bull A.
“May I please have some money?”
So you give some cash to the bum, Bull A,
When around the corner you do see
A second bull, begging for honey
And you know that he is Bum Bull B.
Oh say can you see
By the fluorescent lights
That red flag you sought out
On their online profile,
That was written so well,
Focused on good highlights
But it failed to reveal
All the things that were vile.
As the waiters brings food
And your date wrecks the mood
By reciting some thoughts
That are terribly lewd.
“Oh say, did you notice
It’s getting too late for me.
“This was a very special night,”
You lie as you flee.
On, two, three, four!
Kill us dead, we’ll rise once more.
Five, six, seven, eight!
Unending hunger we must sate.
Tired, hungry, cranky, dead,
We want to open up your head.
Under sun or under rains,
Go go zombies! Eat their brains!
I’ve done it! I’ve built it!
The world’s greatest zoo.
Not a species is missing.
God, I did it for you.
This park is so glorious
And my heartstrings are straining.
We might even get customers
If it stops all this raining.
They say you cannot fit square pegs
Into circular holes.
But a square peg isn’t inferior,
It just plays different roles.
So everyone has a job to do,
A reason they were born,
But some folks don’t fit in as well,
Like me, the unicorn.
I cannot do a lot of jobs
‘Cause I don’t have any hands,
And I don’t know jobs whose benefits
Include access to grazing lands.
So since I can’t find real work
I became a line of merchandise,
The reason you’ve never seen me
Is ’cause I walk around in disguise.
I’m satisfied with life as is,
But if I had the choice
I’d be reborn as a nazgul’s horse
‘Cause mares dig bad horse boys.