Monthly Archives: April 2014

Why I Failed Art Class

The sun shines yellow
Through the fluffy white clouds
That linger in a sky so blue.

I think it would
Be simpler if
It was all just green, don’t you?

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Variance of Expressions

A groan is fitting for a bad joke,
A sidelong glance for annoyances,
A yell or shout for problems grand,
A balloon pop for failed buoyances.

To the variety sure is great, y’all,
But I prefer it when one’s sighs fits all.

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After College

I am an exotic dancer,
And yes, I am a man.
I make money at bachelorette parties
And drive an army cargo van.

Chicks like a man in uniform
So when I see the bachelorette cutie
I give a salute and slap my patoot
And say “Major Turnon, reporting for booty.”

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Post-Alcohol Observations

This isn’t common, but it’s not just me
Who takes joy in sobriety,
For when the laughter is all done
I want to remember how I had fun,

And in life’s most joyous times
Like reading books and writing rhymes
A fluid ounce of honesty
Will always beat a pint in me.

For what is it we must obscure
To resort to boozing as our cure?
Fear of being seen as us?
Why should such things cause a fuss?

So give up fear and give up lies
(It’s easier than you might surmise)
And live a life, joyful, true.
Live a life with sober you.

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Little Kraken Declares His Love

I hunted for the Red October
But only found the blue.
I know it ‘s only second best,
But I brought it here for you.

I left it on your doorstep
‘Cause it seemed a reasonable spot.
Too bad your boat was so tiny,
But hey, you can buy another yacht.

I just want to see you smile
And hug you with all eight arms.
I’ll try to be oh-so-gentle,
But sometime I do harms.

I love you sailor, yes I do.
Can’t you love this kraken too?

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Poetry for Dummies

A description of a setting
The lonely artist loves.
Introduce the poem’s subject
Rhyming with the line aboves.
Introduce a conflict,
But done with exquisite taste,
Then end it with a poignant line
And highlight, copy, paste.

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Just a Thot

I sigh at silent letters,
‘Cause they seem unnecessary,
Though I imagine it’s even more rough
If your name is Ptolemy.

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Whipper Snapper

Timmy was a cheerful slave
Who snapped his fingers all day long
He could not sing or whistle or dance
But his walking and snapping were their very own song.

Paul, he was a slave driver
Who snapped only his whip.
He didn’t want to hear music
Nor any back-talking lip.

Timmy and Paul were rivals of sorts,
Trying to out-snap the other,
Paul whipped and screamed, Timmy snapped and dreamed
And neither cried “Uncle” or “Mother.”

And Paul’s arm got tired
Of all the abuse
And forced the whipper
To stop its use,

But Timmy’s hands
Never wore out
For his snaps gave him strength
Paul knew nothing about.

So which man was the slave?
The snapper serene
Or the whipper, obsessed
With the need to be mean?

No man is a slave
If he choose not to be,
For the consent of the oppressed
Is what makes a slave be.

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Earth Day

Earth Day is when we celebrate
The trees and birds and tectonic plates
By watching these things on TV
And killing any bugs we see.

Let’s do as we did in days of yore
When we would watch the eagles soar
And dance and sing out in the rain?
No, I’d rather play Candy Crane.

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Bathroom Humor

There’s a couch in the girl’s room
And hot towels for the guys.
They ladies have to line up,
Men need to watch for urinal spies.

The ladies room is ten feet long,
The mens is ten feet wide,
So I guess that the porcelain
Is always whiter on the other side.

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