A dog should be your best friend.
A dog could be your pal.
Alas, it seems that most dogs
Are primitive and banal.
Then I looked at people
And all of my human friends
And I saw that they, like dogs
Have behavior that needs the mends.
Both parties are prone to eat to much,
And they both crave attention.
Both are oddly furry
And deserve a day’s detention.
So I suppose that friends and dogs
At times can be quite trite,
But I’d not give up on either,
For I love both with all my might.
I went to see a wrestling match
In Canada last night.
A friend of mine was in the ring
And I love to watch him fight.
And so I drive a lot of miles,
(Which in kilometers is more)
Excited to see the action
I had waited all week for.
Well, sure enough my buddy entered,
400 pounds of strong.
His name was Big Jack Cunningham,
Six feet tall (and wide, and long).
In the other corner of the ring
Stood “Supernatural” Nelson Creed.
He was a caped, intellectual sort
And for victory he had greed.
And so the two began to clash.
The fight was long and hard.
Clotheslines crashed and kicks were dropped
And arms and legs were barred.
And in the end, Big Jack tapped out.
My feelings… They were mixed.
I would have liked to see him win,
But I know the match was fixed.
And so it goes in wrestling shows,
But at least Jack showed the town
That though he fell, they all can tell
He’s just as tall lying down.
You were a frumpy lady
In K-Mart head to toe,
But somewhere in your mind
My wallet said “Yolo.”
And thus began your journey
To your new, expensive self
Hoping to find happiness
On some designer’s shelf.
When my first check bounced
On the 23rd of June
I realized the price of your disguise
And howled to the moon,
‘Cause that two-hundred dollar t-shirt
And ten-thousand dollar sack,
Along with ninety pairs of shoes
Bought the shirt right off my back.
And to the lawyers who’ve been listening
I think you really oughta
Make sure she pays the alimony,
Even if it’s paid in Prada.
I needed a haircut and a shave
But was cash supply was small.
I thought I had a solution
When I visited the mall.
Eleven dollars later
I found proof that I was wrong
Because, while most of my hair was no longer there,
What was left was way too long.
And so I swore off barbers,
And I bought a bottle of Nair.
I’d save time and dignity
If I needn’t concern myself with hair.
That is how I got this dome
Where no hair can call a home.
Hello sir, and how are you?
That’s wonderful to hear. Me too!
Sorry to distract your meal,
But my oh my, do I have a deal!
Hello, how are you tonight.
Nice to hear. I’m doing alright.
I’m calling because I believe
I’ve got something you want to receive.
Hello ma’am. Lovely night.
Oh, can’t complain. (Pshaw! Yeah right).
I’m calling because you should buy
Something from me, or I’ll cry.
To whomever this may concern:
From this position I do adjourn.
I really can’t take anymore,
So I’m leaving to try door-to-door.
At first I was unnerved
By the thought of being observed.
But no longer do I utter groans.
Just think! A lass like me
Could help U.S. Security!
I smile at the very thought of drones.
They read my email and spam,
And when I’m on my webcam
I always throw those patriots a wink,
And if at night they watch
Some lucky guy might spy my crotch.
They give my life a gigabyte of kink!
So if you’re paranoid
You need not be annoyed
That big brother’s got his eyes on you.
Instead, it would be wise
To pity all the spies
Who have to watch the boring s*** you do.
I filed for evil bankruptcy
Just the other day.
Changes is technology
Have driven business away.
No one buys poison apples
Or spinning wheels in any form.
When they want to put a princess to sleep
They just use chloroform.
Ping pong would be a noble game
If at it I was not so lame.
As it is, I can’t respect
Those who ping and pong objects.
That being said, I’d like to be
The best table tennis player you’ll ever see,
And so for sake of peace of mind
I’ll play ping pong with the blind.
Her eyes were like headlights
Aglow in the rain.
Her lips were white lines
Guiding me into her lane.
Her body was the horizon
Towards which I would steer,
And her words said to me
“There’s no speed limit here.”
I pulled up beside her
And hoped I looked good,
Intending, I confess,
To get under her hood.
I subtly honked
As I pulled up beside her.
“What’s your name, darling?”
Then someone walked up beside her.
“She is Alexis,”
The newcomer smiled
In that very free way
That was driving me wild.
“And I’m her twin sister,
And my name is Portia.
We’d like to leave town,
But we don’t want to force ya’.”
And so we departed
From that little town,
Just me and two ladies
With the windows rolled down.
Some days you blow out,
Things don’t go like they should.
Other days, like today,
Life’s pretty darn good.
Today I bought a scooter
And I terrorize the streets
With my two horse power engine
And my giant 4-inch meats.
I’ve got a pseudo-leather jacket
And like Louisa May Alcott
I’m looking for little women
Who think little men are hot.