Monthly Archives: July 2014

Big Reggie’s Last Stand

I’ve finished the sweeping,
The mopping, the shining,
For those who arrive
For our casual dining.

I’ve whipped up the chicken,
The fruits and the veggies,
Prepared to serve unto
The clientele of “Big Reggie’s.”

I’ve washed all the napkins,
Plates, forks, and knives
For those who, by eating,
Will lengthen their lives.

I’ve waited all day
Since the first whiff of dawn,
Yet no one will eat
At the box on my lawn.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

The Group Date Paradigm

The exodus begins
When the conversation slows.
The first woman says “excuse me,
But I must powder my nose.”
The second woman joins her,
And the rest set in pursuit,
Ensuring the washroom diaspora
Never will be rendered moot.

Meanwhile, the men keep eating
But they cannot help but smile,
For through their lull in conversation
They’ve earned silence for a while.
They ogle other women
And they think about their cars
And how women would be better
If they also came from Mars.

And once the ladies finish
Their powdering and gossip
They go back to the table
Where they face a brand-new toss up:
They can keep on talking
Or be silent like the men.
Thus the guys pretend to listen
‘Til conversation slows again.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

A Matter of Taste

Just who do you think you are
Shooting by in your crimson car,
The roof and the windows open wide
With the summer air amidst your ride?

I see you have some leather seats,
Push button start and whitewall meats,
While I’m beside you, feeling smug
Going 45 in my Volkswagen Bug.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Looking Into Private Security

When you see a chinchilla
You might think it’s a rat.
If you see a flying squirrel at night
It looks just like a bat.
You see someone laughing,
But from afar it looks like grieving.
It looks like I’ve been stalking you?
Looks are not always deceiving.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

The Pillow Fight

I just wanted to buy a mattress
And maybe a duvet,
Just make a couple purchases
And then be on my way.

Alas, my shopping journey
Couldn’t just go right.
Instead I had to witness
A brutal pillow fight.

It started with some shuffling
And a bit of pillow fluffing,
But then the pillowcases came off
As they tried to show their stuffing.

Finally the fight was done,
Feathers spilt and shedding.
Next time I’ll be prepared
When I try to buy some bedding.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Raise the Corners

Just because you can
Doesn’t mean you should.
Sometimes a bit of faking it
Will lead to something good.

Take football for instance,
Fourth down and five to go.
Sure, you can punt the ball,
But it makes a lousy show.

Likewise, if with your partner
You’re perfectly free to
Wear those dirty sweatpants, but
Why not show the very best you?

So run the ball and dress the part,
And let the record show
That it’s the corners of your mouth
That show far you can go.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems, To the Reader

The Boss’s Song

Whoever built this universe
Gave me a lousy deal.
I’m the world’s strongest failure,
And that’s a lousy way to feel.

See, I have a job I cannot leave
For which I am reviled,
Waiting for a protagonist
To arrive at my domicile

To strike me down with spell and steel,
And even if I win
He saved his game, and back he comes,
Our battle to begin.

If that is not a handicap
Sufficient for your taste,
My actions are predetermined.
My talents are a waste.

And so, grand noble hero
Please take this victory
And feel proud of the achievement
Of beating poor old me.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems, Songs

Stream of Kansas/Country Consciousness

One-hundred-ninety miles
Through amber waves of grain
Just to get to work each day
Is messing with my brain.

I thought when I moved to Kansas
To work the Dusty Trail
That I would have some peace and quiet
And time to read my mail.

Instead, I’m driving to Topeka
Inside my economy car,
Not knowing the scale of my map
Or that the “Dusty Trail” is a bar.

And yet I shan’t move closer
Just to shorten my commute,
For one can live inside the city,
But one can’t put it on “mute.”

I love this nation’s country,
Though you might look at me funny,
Yet I’d love to not be in Kansas no more
But I haven’t got the money.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Prince Chauvinist

Of all the Disney royalty
That I have had the chance to see
Cinderella would probably be
With whom the Prince would mingle.

For what is it a man must feel
To confidently seal the deal?
A wife who cleans and cooks his meal.
Guess what gals? He’s single!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

You can’t get a job in gardening
If you are a snake.
Something about job history
And some Eve girl’s big mistake.

But I won’t let this prejudice
Go to my pointy head.
I’ll get a job in marketing
Or politics instead.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems