Monthly Archives: July 2014

Big Reggie’s Last Stand

I’ve finished the sweeping,
The mopping, the shining,
For those who arrive
For our casual dining.

I’ve whipped up the chicken,
The fruits and the veggies,
Prepared to serve unto
The clientele of “Big Reggie’s.”

I’ve washed all the napkins,
Plates, forks, and knives
For those who, by eating,
Will lengthen their lives.

I’ve waited all day
Since the first whiff of dawn,
Yet no one will eat
At the box on my lawn.

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The Group Date Paradigm

The exodus begins
When the conversation slows.
The first woman says “excuse me,
But I must powder my nose.”
The second woman joins her,
And the rest set in pursuit,
Ensuring the washroom diaspora
Never will be rendered moot.

Meanwhile, the men keep eating
But they cannot help but smile,
For through their lull in conversation
They’ve earned silence for a while.
They ogle other women
And they think about their cars
And how women would be better
If they also came from Mars.

And once the ladies finish
Their powdering and gossip
They go back to the table
Where they face a brand-new toss up:
They can keep on talking
Or be silent like the men.
Thus the guys pretend to listen
‘Til conversation slows again.

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A Matter of Taste

Just who do you think you are
Shooting by in your crimson car,
The roof and the windows open wide
With the summer air amidst your ride?

I see you have some leather seats,
Push button start and whitewall meats,
While I’m beside you, feeling smug
Going 45 in my Volkswagen Bug.

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Looking Into Private Security

When you see a chinchilla
You might think it’s a rat.
If you see a flying squirrel at night
It looks just like a bat.
You see someone laughing,
But from afar it looks like grieving.
It looks like I’ve been stalking you?
Looks are not always deceiving.

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The Pillow Fight

I just wanted to buy a mattress
And maybe a duvet,
Just make a couple purchases
And then be on my way.

Alas, my shopping journey
Couldn’t just go right.
Instead I had to witness
A brutal pillow fight.

It started with some shuffling
And a bit of pillow fluffing,
But then the pillowcases came off
As they tried to show their stuffing.

Finally the fight was done,
Feathers spilt and shedding.
Next time I’ll be prepared
When I try to buy some bedding.

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Raise the Corners

Just because you can
Doesn’t mean you should.
Sometimes a bit of faking it
Will lead to something good.

Take football for instance,
Fourth down and five to go.
Sure, you can punt the ball,
But it makes a lousy show.

Likewise, if with your partner
You’re perfectly free to
Wear those dirty sweatpants, but
Why not show the very best you?

So run the ball and dress the part,
And let the record show
That it’s the corners of your mouth
That show far you can go.

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The Boss’s Song

Whoever built this universe
Gave me a lousy deal.
I’m the world’s strongest failure,
And that’s a lousy way to feel.

See, I have a job I cannot leave
For which I am reviled,
Waiting for a protagonist
To arrive at my domicile

To strike me down with spell and steel,
And even if I win
He saved his game, and back he comes,
Our battle to begin.

If that is not a handicap
Sufficient for your taste,
My actions are predetermined.
My talents are a waste.

And so, grand noble hero
Please take this victory
And feel proud of the achievement
Of beating poor old me.

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