Monthly Archives: April 2015

Fortune-Cooker In Training

I crack the fortune cookie

And read read the wisdom within.

“Today, be careful of breaking things.”

Cookie talent must be wearing thin.

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The Phantom’s Text

With nineteen seconds to play in the fourth

The Phantoms were down by five.

The quarterback was middle-aged

And wanted to feel alive.
He scanned for his receiver

But saw just a wall of men,

So he said a prayer. The ball hit air

And began a spiral spen.
Fat Jerry from the corner store

Leapt with a prayer of his own,

And might have caught that desperate pass,

But he thought he heard his phone.
And as the boal soared past his hands

To a song that hadn’t played,

He knew he’d lost the MVP

And he wasn’t getting laid.

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Nailed It!

If you miss a manicure

You may mot feel remorse.

But then, just you imagine

You were riding on a horse.

You granbed the reins and kicked your heels,

But the horse, it gave a buck

‘Cause it knew your nails were bland.

Yeah, that would kinda suck.

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Childish Dreams

As a child I planted bacon

To grow a bacon tree.

The others said it wouldn’t work,

But I said “wait and see.”
Summers passed and kids gree up.

The soil, it stayed flat.

My friends got educations,

But I’d no time for that.
Some guys got jobs and girlfriends.

I stuck with my feat though,

‘Cause one of these days my dreams will come true

And I will see my meat grow.

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We’ve traveled weeks to Rivendell.

That much of our journey went pretty well.

A few weeks more to Moria.

And still still we were singing “Gloria.”
Now here we are at Mount Doom,

All out of sausage and Stevia.

We’re here to throw the ring in the fire.

This is where I leave ya.

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Senior Year

The year I raised the 4H deer

Were the best days of my life.

Not only did I eat really well,

But I met my future wife.
She was a doe-eyed sophomore

Who smelled of smoke and beer.

She’s still my favorite cousin.

Good mem’ries, senior year.

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Victorious Secret

Hope and honor,

Faith and love:

These are yours

When you rise above.

So keep moving ahead

If only by little bits.

And for those who won’t,

Here’s to Friday and tits!

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Buying Lays

Money’s not a good way

To get her in the sack,

But it’s pretty darn effective

If you want to buy a snack. 



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Don’t Press “A,” Don’t Press… Oops

I think that just before we’re born

We make like a video game;

We design our skills and appearances

And even pick our name.
I have evidence for my theory,

And you are my best case

‘Cause your fingers tend to slip a lot

And, well, look at your face!

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GOP Concerns

I’d like to go green,

But what if I’m seen?

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