Monthly Archives: May 2015

Origin Story

There was a farmer’s daughter,

And Gertrude was her name.

She didn’t turn out all that great.

Perhaps her parents were to blame?
Her smile was like curdled milk,

All thick and full of germs.

She ate the milk that fermented

With her best friends, the worms.
One worm in particular

Was a rapper by his trade.

One day he greeted her, “Yo Gert!”

And history was made.
So when you eat your Dannon,

Yoplait, Greek, or normal,

Remember Gert and the gangsta worm

And don’t be so darn formal.

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Just Trust Me

There are very few problems

That cannot be solved

By a handful of raisins

And a baseball bat.
How do those fix it?

Is that what you said?

I was hoping you wouldn’t

Ask me that…

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Elegy for an Innova Blizzard Boss Champion Disc

What comes up comes down.

If that’s true, then why won’t my

Frisbee leave the roof?

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The Ballad of Meriwether

I don’t think Lewis and Clark

Were friends, like historians claim.

I think Clark forced Lewis to come

By threatening to reveal his first name.

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I Did Too

There was a teenager from Kiev

That people oft told how to liev.

He painted a plate

As blank as a slate

With all the shits he didn’t giev.

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Naked Prom

Gyration of the eyes and hips,

The longing of a thousand lips,

A table full of pop and chips,

And me there in the corner.
Five-hundred pairs of dancing shoes,

A playlist full of swing and blues,

And I’m in naught but tennis shoes

For lack of an adorner.
A dozen spinning disco lights,

Glow rods in their flinging flights,

Cast shadows o’er my lack of tights.

I pray I’m not discovered.
A shrieking piercing through my head!

I feel like I’m made of lead,

As I awaken in my bed

Where, yes, I am uncovered.

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May 25th

Sixty-one candles,

Two and a half beards

Celebrating your many,

Many, many, many years.
I wrote these stanzas

To know that you smiled.

Happy Birthday Mom

From your second-best child.

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Game of War?

I’ll pay ten dollars

For a movie ticket,

Five bucks to see

A game of cricket,

A hundred to Scuba

And get the bends.

Why won’t I pay three

To have no ads on Words with Friends?

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Father of the Bride

Fluff and foof,

Foam and poof.

Through the roof:

White or gray?

Peach or Monet?

Pay and pay:

We’ve got a year

To pick the dress

We’ve seen the glory

And the mess.

Dad’s in the car

Waiting for the yes

That brings the end

Of shopping.

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Pop Songs 2

Dedicated to the memory of the first “Pop Songs.”

I’m gonna love lovin’ you


You’re gonna be my first true

You betcha, I’m gonna getcha

Baby, Oh oh!

We’re goin’ downtown, babe.


Gonna meet with my cousin, Gabe.

I’m in the mood, you’re looking good.

Gabe-y, oh oh!

Oh yeah






We’re gonna strum three chords.


We’re gonna calve like fjords.

I’ll be your Malfoy if you’ll be my Goyle.

Crabbe-y, oh oh!

I’m gonna write you a rhyme.


We’ll have our Rosemary thyme.

Was I inspired when this song was sired?

Maybe, oh oh!

Oh yeah

This song just gets dumma ‘n dumma

Parsley and sage can’t express my rage!

Looking around 

For words that end with the same sound!

Mispronounced Harry Potter villains

Interferin’ with our chillin’s.

(Dramatic pause)

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