Monthly Archives: June 2015

Launch, Pt. 1

Good morning to most of my readers!

Good afternoon to the few!

It’s a beautiful day in travesty land,

And I’m going to share it with you.

Today, I launch my book, “America:

“Land of the (Buy One, Get One) Free.”

For those who accepted my promotion,

You’ll soon get a free gift from me.

Here’s a link to the finished product,

Where you can get in in time

For your Fourth of July celebration

And at very minimal dime.

And for my non-American readers,

Thanks for putting up with this post.

You should buy the book too, ’cause it’s funny.

(It’s the truth, not merely a boast).

And for those lovely readers of mine

Who just come here for the funny,

Today’s poem is coming after I am through humming

And hopping around like a bunny.

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Fear Itself

My mind is hot and swirling

Like my brain is in the dryer.

I try and try to calm myself,

But blood pressure gets higher.

I’m schooled in meditation,

But can’t think of what they teach,

Because tonight I have to give

A seven minute speech.
I’ve written out my note cards

(On paper and in the cloud).

I’ve proofread it a hundred times

And read it all out loud.

Yet my heart beats, my palms sweat,

And the world feels surreal

Because, for my seven minute speech,

I’ve four minutes if mater’al.
And so I am rewriting,

Adding anecdotes and facts,

Undoing all my “control-Z’s”

And redacting my “redacts.”

And as my fevered fingers run

Like the witch chases Gretel and Hansel

I’m giving a seven-minute prayer

That they have to call and cancel.

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He Loves His Work

My best friend is a hired gun.

At first I thought his job was fun,

But changed my mind when came the year

He worked the job as a volunteer.

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Dixie-Doodle Dandy

If I were a cowboy

With a six-gun on my hip,

I’d be careful when in a saloon,

‘Cause it would be bad to trip.
I’d keep my buddies close to me

And my enemies far away,

And I’d treat my horse real good

So with me she would stay.
I’d steer clear of the Indians,

But identify with their plight.

I hope they wouldn’t judge me

For having been born white.
I’d probably fly a confederate flag,

But just to avoid making waves.

You might think it’s sort of lame,

That this ain’t how a cowboy behaves.
But if I were a cowboy

With my six-gun handy,

I’d probably vote for gun control.

Dixie-Doodle Dandy.

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The Simple Life

Steve the fish lived in a dish

(A bowl, to be precise).

He shared his private windowsill

With two ex-lab mice.
When the mice stopped eating cheese,

Steve was not perturbed.

When they sprouted fangs and wings

He still was not disturbed.
And when the ex-lab mice escaped

To terrorize the Earth

Steve swam in circles happily

And reminisced about his birth.
And when the Earth went up in flames

And did finally dissappear,

Steve the fish was satisfied

With his one long, happy year.

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World of Warcraft

‘Twas Saturday I met up

With a warrior and a monk

To journey forth to Elvenkeep

To slay a dragon-skunk.

That’s when I discovered

That rogues are, apparently, lame,

And for a moment I wondered:

Why do people play this game?

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The Acorn

A unicorn has one horn.

A bicorn has two.

A polycorn has many horns

That can stick into you.

So a unicorn with no horn

Is an acorn, I suppose.

If you didn’t believe in magic,

Well, I guess now you knows.

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Du’ck! An Acrostic Poem

Did you see it coming

Up above your head?

‘Cause if you didn’t, you’re probably

Kinda going to be a bit dead.




P.S.  My new book is being released just in time for the 4th of July. Until June 26th (this Thursday), you have a chance to get a free copy! Check out the “coming soon” tab for more info.




Sorry can’t explain my apol…

Ogetic attitude

Right now

Regarding today’s poem.

Yep, that’s about it.

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Meet Unemployed Singles Today!

I quit my job at Burger Giant

And now I’m beating down the door

Of Indeed, Monster, and,

Along with several more.

Then something in me realized

That this process I was hating

Could learn a valuable lesson

From the world of online dating.

I would happily seek employment


Or how ’bout J-Job, FatGuysWork,

Or EmployMySingleMom?

If you want to outsource labor

There’s always AsianJobs to try,

For part time jobs: It’s Just ‘Til Lunch.

For waiting tables: Grown Men Don’t Fry.

I understand that on these

The industry won’t pounce,

But as Grandma always said

It’s the thought that counts.

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Sweet Tea

I met a girl the other day.

She was such a teas.

I was lost in the swing of her rose hips

And the bend of her chai knees.
She was sweet as a strawberry zinger.

Her hair was as black as Earl Grey.

She raised one lump or two in my heart

And she steeped in my thoughts all day.
And tonight I will drink in her presence

And maybe protect her from thieves.

If all goes well, we’ll have English Breakfast.

I read it in the leaves.

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