Monthly Archives: October 2015

My Costume Is Apathy

I feel obliged to be spooky

But I’m not feeling it.

I have un-made-up skin

And don’t feel like peeling it.

I’m uncostumed by choice,

Though I looked on Pinterest

Through costume ideas

That held no interest.

There are monsters and witches

And women in lingerie

With animal ears.

What a menagerie! 

And I’m challenging passerby

With my sleepy stare

To guess who I am,

Even though I don’t care.

People set bonfires

And dance ’round my home,

And I’m sleeping and hoping

They don’t steal my gnome.

Maybe I’ll get wild

And be less of a lump

With a low budget movie

That will make me jump.

And then come the children

In a sweet-craving mob.

There are 600 Elsa’s

And one I think is The Blob.

There’s Spiderman, Ironman,

And a beast with six legs,

And some orange jumpsuited kids

Delivering eggs.

And then its all over

And the kids go away.

The fast-food workers party

And I guess pagans pray.

I’ve  done my part

To keep dentists employed.

Despite myself, this day

I somewhat enjoyed.

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Thus Wrote Academia

If you can say something,

And can even say it twice,

And then again in a different way

That sounds just as nice,

And then repeat it one more time,

Then twice more for good measure,

And in that way go on and on

Then you and I share a treasure.

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Instant food is great

Most bachelors would agree,

But that just seems a little too

American to me.

Now, I get that potatoes

Take a lot of time to cook.

Sometimes home cooked macaroni

Doesn’t have that chemical look.

Maybe you’re to tired

To take a cup of oats

And throw in some sugar and xanthan gum

And whatever else that floats.

So you buy a bag of chemicals

With natural oat flavor

And nuke it for 60 seconds

And for another 60, you savor.

To top it off, this overpriced

Tax on those who cannot cook

Has an old, white guy or store brand

To complete its flashy look.

Thus ends my rant on oatmeal

And the injustice derived therefrom.

Tomorrow, tune in again

For my rant on chewing gum!

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You Have 6,029 New Messages

Have you ever made a comment

On a Facebook post and seen

It explode into the biggest thing

Since someone refried a bean?

For the next ten days your inbox

Says a bunch of strangers think

It’ll be fantastic

(Except Manuel, who wants it to stink).

You try to send it all to spam.

You turn notifications off,

But the post keeps drawing comment

And the Universe does scoff.

You know it won’t be ending soon,

And all you can do is wait.

I commented on a post like that.

In fact, I did on eight…

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You Can Be Too, With Just Two Easy Payments…

Badass is a state of mind.

Take a photographer

Who takes pictures of weddings

For Mrs. And Mr.

He’s not traditionally cool,

But in his head

He’s a ninja in disguise

Taking photos of the wed. 

Or take the guy at the Chevron

Who pumps your tank of gas.

He knows if you get mouthy

He’ll “swipe anywhere” on your ass.

Take a look around you

At the wallpaper, lights, and your shoes.

These could all be badasses

If they had the desire to choose.

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Bat Teen

Great adventures await

Those with powers great.

I’m great too,

But woop-de-doo,

I’d rather sleep in late.

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Crooks and Homophones

We were robbing a grocer.

I said “buy me some time.”

He went to the spices,

Then the express checkout line.

We landed in prison.

Our plans came unfurled.

Now all we’ve got left

Is all the thyme in the world.

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Life On A Farm

My brother-in-law

Thinks poultry are sultry.

My other bro’s honey’s a bee.

I’m the traditional guy in the family:

Nothing but cousins for me!

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Why Elves Are Wise

If an idiot, moron, or joke

Or another dim-witted bloke

Puts their foot into their maw

And make a sage of themselves,

They become elves

With arrows and wizards. Oh ya!

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Winding mountain pass.

A deep voice talks about specs.

Gotta buy that Porsche.
There’s a friendly man

Succeeding at basic tasks.

Nope, just kidding. Lol!
That weird moment when

You’re watching some late night crap

And think “I need that.”

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