Monthly Archives: November 2015

Starcrossed Nemeses

She was like a James Bond villain:

Charismatic, certainly,

And she had a pool of sharks

And talked nonstop to me.

That suited me just fine.

I’ve also got an evil brain,

But I’m the type of bad guy

With bad teeth who gets thrown off a train.

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And I Bet They Have Cute Uniforms There

Do you want to be a wizard,

A chef or a vampire?

Do you want to train a monster

Or have power over fire?

Do you want to be a warrior

Who fights an evil horde?

Or maybe it’s that normal school

Just leaves you feeling bored.

If you want to read your family’s minds

Or own a talking cat,

Chances are, in animé,

There’s a school for that.

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Energizer Bunnies

You ever seen one of those

Human-sized dolls

For guys who want lovin’

But don’t have the balls?

I really hope they’re electric.

That’s what I’ve concluded,

‘Cause what other double-D’s

Are “batteries not included?”

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Vive L’Internet!

It’s 41 Farenheit

Outside my room.

It would be warm in Alaska

And cold in Khartoum.

In my car, my spedometer

Says 73.

That’s slow if you’re metric

But fast if you’re me.

Lots of life’s relative;

Could be good, could be bad,

But at least we agree

There’s arguments to be had!

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Obligatory Thanksgiving Poem XIVII

I’m thankful for my family

And to you, my faithful fan.

Thanks to you I made this poem

Very short, because I can.

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One Poem A Day: How Hard Can It Be?

I’m looking forward

To 2016,

Less so to the time

That comes in between,

For when the New Year

Comes rolling in

You feel able

To do anythin’.

But in 2015,

As it is right now

I’m cranking out poems

And tending electric cows.

And so in two months

I’ll be out of this funk.

For now I’ve got ice cream.

Hope you enjoyed this junk.

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Full Moon

I heard yo’ mama’s missing.

Where she’s gone is rather dull.

Let’s just say the moon was hungry

But tonight the moon is full.

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No New Messages

Hey there gurrls

On the internet.

I’m the sexiest nerd

You have digitally met.

My can read my handle:

TentaclesRMyLyfe.

I don’t mind you’re 16,

You can still be my wife.

You see my profile pic

With my shirt on the floor.

I know my photoshopped abs

Will make you swipe right for sure.

If you like obscure jokes

Come and give me a shout.

I’ve got a ragout rabbit

If your cooking’s maxed out.

Can I go all night?

Well, show you I will!

I can warranty that promise

With a little white pill.

So if you’re game, sexy,

Why not give me a “like?”

We’ll ride to heaven together

On my two-seater bike.

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Spirit Animals

I wonder if tigers,

Wolves, and Toucans

Think that their spirit

Animals are humans?

I could find no answer,

But see if you can.

And now I wonder whose spirit

Animal is a toucan.

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A Declaration of Independence From Humorless People

When in the course

Of humor events

It becomes necessary

To sever ties

Because jokes about Catholics,

Jews and Gents,*

Fat people and others

Are not always wise,

Then its time to move on

To where humor’s a sense

That people possess.

That’s just what I think.

So go somewhere unfollowable

By the immense,

The political and religious,

And flash them a wink.
*Abbreviation of “Gentiles.” Yes, I’m that stretched for a rhyme.

Happy Weekend!

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