Monthly Archives: December 2015

Better Travesties – Next Time

Next year I resolve

Not to write these dumb haikus.

Glad it’s still this year!

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“Resolutions,” by M. Night Shyamalan

I resolve in 2016

To become a manly man,

To give compliments to strangers

And save money when I can.

But what I haven’t told you

Is I lure strangers to my house

And spend their money instead of mine,

And, oh yeah! I’m a mouse.

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This Bugs Me

A solid block of milk

Hits a grown up caterpillar

Who bursts into tears.

The butter flies,

The moth bawls.

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The Last “I’m Tired and I Don’t Care Anymore” Poem of 2015 (I Hope)

I’vr* written a lot of bad poems this year,

And this one may be the worst.

It might be good. It might be bad.

I wrote the title first.


*I did notice this typo. 

As is my nature, I fixed it.

 Then I decidrd** it fit with the theme.

As for my correction… I nixed it.


**This one was completely intentional. Sue me.***


***If you seriously considered this, keep in mind Poetry is a major portion of my income.

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Love in the Time of Gigabytes

I wish that we were pixels

Brought to life by LED.

I wish that ones and zeroes

Were all there was to you and me.

I wish we could reload our save

Whenever we had a fight,

But instead we’ve got reality

To see us through the night.

Our lives would sure be simpler

If the internet had a guide

To tell us what we need to share

And what we need to hide.

We’d get along much better

If you could simply pay

To get extra relationship points…

Oh wait, that’s Valentine’s Day…

I wish that we were perfect.

If I could make it so, I would.

I’m not perfect, nor are you,

But I’m content with good.

Yes, life would be simpler

As little dots of light,

But instead we’ve got reality

And with you, that’s quite alright.

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They’re gone until Thanksgiving!

It’s the first day of

It’s the hap, happiest season:

Eleven months without carols.

That is my reason.

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How Many Of Us?

Christmas day

Is almost past.

The next Christmas song

Could be the last.

Santa’s unpacked

His magic sleigh,

Yet the in-laws

Still won’t go away…

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A Constipated Mind

‘Twas the night before Christmas

And things were amiss.

A poet was blocked up

And so he wrote this.

But you’ve all got presents

And family and junk,

So I hope you’ll forgive me

This holiday funk.

And if you lack junk,

Family, and gifts,

Let’s hope that next year

Your luck favorably shifts.

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Chocolate and Jewelry: Done

‘Twas two days before Christmas

And off at the mall

Were all of the husbands

Who dropped the gift ball.

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The Plastic Skeleton’s Other 11 Months

I am a man without skin.

There’s nothing to keep my guts in.

And yet somehow I lived on,

Quite at home on somebody’s lawn.

Then one day the world went black.

They put me in the basement and didn’t look back.

Now my place on the grass has a penguin instead.

There’s some deer on the roof and a weirdly-shaped sled.

But I know when the snow is gone,

When leaves fall on the golden lawn

I’ll be back to rule the night.

Until then, I’ll be alright.

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