Monthly Archives: January 2016

Rethink Your Motto

Don’t come in here!

I have a hunch

That I soon

Must lose my lunch.
I had green eggs

And Ham a la carte.

“I’ll try anything once”

Is good fun, but not smart.

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The Chihuahua Cometh

Hear ye, neighbors!

The herald of the morning

And a singer through the night

Has arrived this day!

He weighs four pounds

Of pure vocal chords

And hatred for humanity.

Next time think twice

About blocking my driveway.

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Every House Has A Silver Icing

I live in a really disgusting house.

It’s sticky and melts in the rain

And when wild animals chew on my walls

Baking them again is a pain.

I can’t stand my gumdrop garden

And it draws human children like crack.

At least the kids, while noisy and rude,

Can make for a pretty good snack.

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Wrong Stool

I asked “How do I get taller?”

They said “stand on a stool.”

Now my shoes smell like crap

And I feel like a fool.

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If So, You’re Doomed

If I were born with tentacles

Sticking out of my head

At first I’d think my life was rather sad,

But I could meet a pretty squid

And maybe have a kid

And then it wouldn’t be nearly as bad.

So if you have no limbs

Or an extra toe or two

Don’t worry. You’ll find love for sure!

You’ll find the one, I guarantee

Unless you are like me,

That is: online, honest, and five-foot four.

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Ooh (with a silent H) Burn

Salmon has a silent L.

Nothing has a silent Q.

I wish I were like the word “vague,”

That is, with a silent U.

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Morning Sax

When I wake up in the morning

And look at your sleeping face

I feel like I’ve got everything,

Just like J.P. Morgan Chase.

I know that you’re still sleeping.

Makes sense, ’cause it’s 5:03,

But I just have to surprise you

With the greatest part of me,

And so I whip out my saxophone

And lick the reed ’til it’s damp

Then it’s you and me at 5:03

And a cover of John Mellencamp.

I gave you morning sax!

Comso says it’s great.

I gave you morning sax

‘Cause funky just can’t wait.

I gave you morning sax!

I’d say that’s pretty fly.

I wanted you to say “Oh God yes!”

But I’ll settle for “Oh God, why?!”

When you wake up in the morning

And see my body lying prone

In a pool of hot red blood

Clutching my saxophone

At first you’re shocked and worried

But you throw some coffee down

And remember last night’s victory

As you drive into town.

And as I lie, still bleeding

From the opening in my head

I dream about tomorrow

When I’ll play Kenny G instead.

I’ll give you morning sax!

It’s better the second time.

I’ll give you morning sax!

I’m sure it will be fine.

I’ll give you morning sax!

Sure, it’s a taxing gig

But I just love that moment

When your eyes get so, so big!

I played for you the morning

Of the day I finally died.

When the doctor shared the news

I like to think you cried.

You told me you lack self-control

Before you are awake

And that any more at 5:04

Was more than you could take.

As you call the undertaker

And they ask if you will hold

I only hope that waiting music

Makes your heart a bit less cold.

Now you’ll hear mourning sax!

It don’t mean a thing.

Enjoy the mourning sax!

All you had to do was sing…

There’s no more morning sax!

Let that sink into your brain

As you take five, my satin doll,

Riding home on the “A” train…

(Fading out)
How long will it take to Bari me?
Tenor so minutes.
A little Charlie Bird told me.
I’m on a Coltrane to Hell.

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Trash

There are many types of trash:

The kind you have to dump,

The kind you meet at 2:00 AM

And really want to hump,

The kind you hide from neighbors

Or that you just throw away.

There’s also, like Cam Newton,

The trash you have to pay.

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My Excuse, Courtesy of Stupidheads

My email got hacked today.

I don’t know who did it.

When I found out it happened

I sort of lost my… Ya know.

I’m going to change my password now

But if you see a post

That’s a poem you disapprove of,

It wasn’t me. It was a ghost.

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Election Years

Do you feel the suction,

The all-consuming swirl

That spins you round and round

Until you have to hurl?

No, it’s not a whirlpool,

Tornado, or typhoon.

It’s the suck of the political ads

Headed your way soon.

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