Monthly Archives: February 2016

A Trainer’s Life

I was taking a walk

Down route 123

When I saw you

Turn and look towards me.
As our eyes met

It was just like they said,

Like an exclamation point

Flashed over your head
And then you walked toward me

And called through the air:

“I like shorts! They’re comfy

And easy to wear.”
And then you attacked me

With your slave-monster pets.

I took all your money

And I have no regrets
Because I’m the greatest

Like no figure in lore.

That’s why you don’t

Make eye contact anymore.

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Driving Home

Today I returned home from my vacation in Portland, OR. The following are a few poems I thought of over the six hour drive when I should have been avoiding pedestrians:


Feel free to tailgate my ass,

But the more you press, the less I gas.

The sooner I’m back

In Oregon

The sooner your drivers

I can deplore again.

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Today I returned home from my vacation in Portland, OR. The following are a few poems I thought of over the six hour drive when I should have been avoiding pedestrians:


Feel free to tailgate my ass,

But the more you press, the less I gas.

The sooner I’m back

In Oregon

The sooner your drivers

I can deplore again.

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Other People’s Cats

Life is like this little guy,

At first cute and fluffy and shy.

It’ll sit on your lap,

Happy purring, then SNAP!

And that’s why I wear this glass eye…

 
“Mimi” – AKA “Snake”

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Everything You Want To Know (But Were Too Scared To Ask)

Am I the only one

Who’s lonely at night,

Who drinks from the faucet,

Who doesn’t want to fight?
Am I the only one

Whose hot chocolate is made

Without any water

But instead lemonade?
Am I the only one

Whose blowholes get sore

When I inhale the air

That you buy at the store?
If you’re ever unsure

If you’re normal or weird

Know that I’m right there with you

And so is my beard.

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Bachelor Chow

I made a pizza

With with kale and s’mores,

Sime slightly-burnt Dr. Pepper

And pastrami galore!

Now you mean to say

You ain’t hungry no more?

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Assault and Batteries

You said you knew

How to jump a car.

It sure wasn’t true…

You left a scar.

Red to black wire…

You expect to live?

I’ll have revenge you liar!

All I’ve got to give.
I’m Lyin’ on asphalt

Cursing at the stars.

You know it’s your fault!

There’s no time for flattery;

You assaulted my battery.
There’s a surprise

Right under your hood.

When your starter dies

It won’t sound good.

I saw your face.

It looked really dour.

I put you in your place

‘Cause I’ve got the power.
You’re lyin’ on asphalt

Cursing at the stars.

You know it’s your fault.

There’s no need for flattery.

I assaulted your battery.
(Instrumental bridge with sirens)
We’re face down on asphalt

Cursing at their stars.

It’s both of our faults…

No cops like flattery.

We both got charged

For assaulting the batteries.

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Nearsighted

Dancing fairy lights.

Look again and it’s a truck.

Should’ve looked both ways.

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Emotion

I’m crying like an onion

At a family reunion,

Laughing like a hyena

Listening to itself laugh,

Questioning everything

Like a / with a stuck shift-key,

Floating like a butterfly,

Stinging like the aftermath

Of an inadvisable romantic encounter.

Chick flicks, eh?

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Scrabble

I play “Blue”

For 22.

You play “defenistrate”

For 108.

I play “equine”

For 59.

You play “Chrysanthemum”

For 201.

I play “admittance”

For a pittance.

You play “kalamazoo.”

Why do I still play with you?

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