Monthly Archives: March 2016

Celebrity

I’m not saying

He was poor,

But he had no knocker

On his door.

He had one fridge

And one garage

And he used paper

In his collage.

He only owned

Twelve pairs of shoes

And rarely ever

Was on the news.

His watch was bought

For less than his car.

Lol! Peasants…

Humbly yours, The Star.

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What Gets You Going

Look at me,

Your darling man,

And tell me what you see.

Are bulging arms

And washboard abs

All there is to me?

Is my gleaming hair

In the setting sun

What makes your heart seek mine?

Is it how I flee

When your husband gets home

At 8:00 instead of 9:00?

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Woodchuck It At Their Head!

Regarding amount of wood

Chucked by a woodchuck:

I’ll make the suggestion

That it increases greatly

When in the presence

Of someone asking that stupid question.

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Honest Guy Problems

“What’s your favorite body part?”

The online survey said.

I wrote “chest hair.” I’m a guy,

And thus my empty bed.

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Jesus, Night Owl

On the morning of the third day

Since Jesus died for our sins

He said “I waiteth to push the boulder

“Until the afternoon begins.”

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Vegan Conspiracies

They make blueberry, strawberry,

Blackberry jam,

But not jam out of chicken,

Venison, spam.

Why do we make paste

Out of fruits and such

But not dead animals?

Suspicious much?

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Don’t We All

They say I’ve a nose like a bloodhound,

Eyes of an eagle, ears of an elf.

That’s a polite way for people to say

I suck at hide-and-seek when I play by myself.

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What Doesn’t Kill You

“What doesn’t kill you

Makes you stronger”

Is total BS.

What about candy,

Vasectomies,

And gastrointestinal stress?

Watching television

Or putting on your socks

Don’t build the muscles all that well,

Nor does eating with a spoon

Or staring at the sun

Or reading books that teach you how to sell.

So how about

Instead of that stupid saying

We make a stupid saying of our own?

“What doesn’t kill you

Can be made into bad poems

That can be written rather quickly on one’s phone.”

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Every College Essay Ever

I wrote a poem so marvelous!

About it you would rave.

Alas, I didn’t charge my phone.

I also didn’t press “save.”

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I Like An Easy Read

I’ve discovered I’m a psychic.

It’s really pretty slick!

If found out when my lover

Thought “I hope he’s not psychic.”

Well that relationship

Ended on an ironic note

When I shouted “ha ha, I am!”

And that was all she wrote…

Being a psychic in the dating pool

Is fun, to say the least.

I know which gal’s have hearts of gold

And which have infected yeast.

Now the mind of every man

Is a delightfully simple thing,

Like Indiana Jones

And the temple of “do I buy a ring?”

A woman’s mind is more complex

Like the tale of War and Peace

But from an eagle’s point of view

And written in Taiwanese.

I’ve gotten used to psychic life

And find a girl I may,

But when it comes to reading minds

I think I’m kinda gay.

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