Monthly Archives: April 2016

Fixer-Upper Relationships

Why yes indeed,

I rode my steed

To do the deed

Of rescue.

For a maiden fair

I did ride there,

My only care

To rescue.

I slayed the foe

That guards her, though

I only did so

To rescue

That stolen dame.

I would lay claim

To lass and fame

Through rescue.

The door open wide

I rushed inside

To where she does reside

To rescue.

When I did, I saw

A girl with bloody maw

Holding a chainsaw.

Now my rescue

Seemed quite in doubt.

As it turns out

Well, could you help me out?

I need rescue.

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Based On A True Story

Sometimes I get tired of writing crap

So I write something lovely instead.

Tonight is not one of those times.

Now I’m done and I’m going to bed.

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After The Birth

In a bloody mass of who-knows-what

A tiny terror meets the world

The doctor slaps it on the butt

Then gives it to you, warm and curled.

Ten years later it has grown fangs

A whirling aura of disease,

It looks so cute behind its bangs,

But that hair is full of lice and fleas.

It makes a noise that never stops,

A high pitched whine, a piercing cry.

Alas, it seems to call you “pops”

So you cannot wish that it will die.

Someday it will become a beast

That eats your food and drives your car.

All your boundaries will be pushed

Until it knows its gone too far.

And then it leaves, all big and grown

Perhaps to university.

You wonder how the time has flown

Until it moves back in with a degree.

After a while it gets a job,

You get gray hair and shrink a bit,

And then you die and people sob

And people bury you and shit.

Your lives are done, your beast is weaned,

You’ve given all the vital talks.

Now from the grave you proudly beam

And watch the dryer eat its socks.

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Disaster in Orange Grove, AKA The Justified Swerve

Two 18-wheelers,

Thirteen sedans,

Four snow-white horses,

And a biker named Hans:

That was the death toll

Today in Orange Grove

When I noticed a spider

On my leg as I drove.

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Twelve Unborn Chickens Died To Bring You This Poem

When I throw eggs out the window

While on the motorway

Some jerks honk and curse at me.

That’s what I learned today.

Now if I hit you with an egg

You can honk if you want to

But I don’t mind ’cause either way

In the end the yolk’s on you.

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Decisions, Decisions

Twenty-one years old,

A whole life ahead of me.

But there’s Youtube too…

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Cat Vs. Mirror: The Phantom Menace

His likeness was mine,

His visage my own.

His eyes shone the same,

His fur shared my tone.

I gazed at him

And he gazed back at me.

I figured he saw

What I also did see.

I swiped at his paw

And he swiped back at mine.

It was time to rebuke

This copycat swine!

We swiped at each other.

His claws were like glass!

We fought like equals

But I kicked his ass.

Then I spun around

And that coward fled.

Now it’s time for eating

And then off to bed.

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I Wonder No Longer

Have you ever wondered

How soon is too soon

To bring up a topic

Of which everyone’s sick

Like politics, what to eat,

Or Frank herbert’s “Dune?”

‘Cause more manta ray poems

Would be pretty slick…

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Bad Ideas

I ice skate through the forest

With my ice cream cone

While buffering some youtube

On my Samsung mobile phone.

I tripped over a gum drop

And I think I broke my snout.

This is the last time I ask my mom

“What should my poem be about?”

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… Just Disappointed

I’m not mad that in a day

Awareness of the Manta Ray

And its lack of presence in verse

Has hardly changed, for better or worse.

I’m not mad that my attempt

Has not resulted as I dreamt.

Alas, it is not as I wished,

For still few care for the flat gray fish.

And so in my last plea to you

I wrote, of the Manta, this haiku:

Swimming manta ray.

Crocodile hunter slain

And still no poems.

I hope I have inspired you

To write rhymes of the great ray too.

Rhyming’s hard, and some will balk

Yet still I’m glad we had this talk.

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