Monthly Archives: August 2016

Follow Your Heart

I heard that when uncertainty

About your future strikes

Examining what you avoid

Can lead you to your likes.

I tend to avoid everything

And like lying in bed

Writing jokes about the stuff

That’s running through my head.

I tend to avoid washing things,

Dishes and self included,

And consequently feel good

When I eat (get watered and fooded).

I like to be alone a lot.

I like the color orange.

I dislike thinking ahead

Which sometimes makes life hardyorange.

And so I have concluded

From my lifestyle and refinement

That I should pursue a career

In solitary confinement.

So if someone were so kind

As to frame me for a murder

I’d be grateful for all my life

And happy with my life’s direction-urder.

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“I’ll try anything once”

“I’ll try anything once”

Is a dumb thing to say

Unless with great agony

You are okay.

Would you lick a jellyfish,

Sword fight with a shark

Or leave a mean youtube comment

About Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Would you drink from the gutter

Or go surfing in Maine?

Would you call someone Mexican

If you know they’re from Spain?

Would you go see “The Notebook”

Starring Jackie Chan?

Stick your head in the oven

And hope to get tan?

I hope my point’s proven

But if you still say “Yes”

Then try liking this poem

And go learn to play chess.

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Question Everything

Grassy field,

Snowy chicken,

Sandy bug spray,

Yep to the tooth helpers.

Greedy locks mispelled rent 

As goose.

This poem still makes more sense

Than the “share on twitter” link

On porn websites.

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Why Grammar Matters

A world without adjectives

Would suck

But it wouldn’t be bad

Would blow

But it wouldn’t be sad

Would eat your soul

But not in a negative way.

A world without adverbs

Things happen,

People run

Other people run

Some are faster

But we’ll never know which.

A world without verbs

Blue, stagnant, 

Highly descriptive,

Shorter than previous stanzas.

A world without nouns

Write this if you dare.

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TLI

“It happened.”

“Whoa!”

“What a thing!”

“I know.”

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TMI?

I wanted to let you know

I wrote this poem on the toilet.

I thought it best to keep it brief

In case that secret did spoil it.

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The Spectacle

Some are pointing,

Some are staring,

But not a person

Is not caring.

“Who’s that guy?”

The women question.

The men ask for

Workout suggestions.

But as I look,

Trying not to leer,

I simply ask

“Why the mirrors here?”

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Why I’d Make A Lousy Ghost

I try to be original

When compliments I make.

I try not to be boring

For the complimentee’s sake,

So purely inintentional

Was my word-choice slight.

Who knew “you’re an opaque one”

Was not thought as polite?

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Dietary Councilling

They called me an airhead,

A dumdum, a flake,

A limp blob of pudding

And, worse still, a snake.

I guess that it’s true –

One is as one eats.

I’ll back off on the reptiles,

But never the sweets.

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Remember November

What’s sharp and made of plastic

And smells like chalk and spit?

I don’t know, but I’d enjoy

A chance to vote for it.

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