Monthly Archives: September 2016

TV Commercials, In Essence

You’re going to spend

The rest of your life

Drinking water solely

To transform into pee.

Instead get hydrated

The new, better way:

*Insert catchy jingle*

Come get an IV!

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Time Management

I’ve got a flight

Tomorrow at noon.

It boards at 11:00,

An hour too soon.

I need to be

At the gate by 10:00 an’

That means to be safe

I’ll shoot for 9:07.

To get there by 9:00

I should leave around 8:00

So we’ll say 7:30

In case I run late.

I should set my alarm

To give myself time

To fully prepare

So let’s say 6:09.

When you figure in traffic,

Potential assaults,

The phase of the moon,

And seismological faults

I left yesterday

At 11:08

All the while disappointed 

That I’ll probably be late.

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I Realized Recently That I Have Been Writing Very Short Poems With Extremely Long Titles, And I’d Just Like To Say That After Today That Won’t Happen Anymore… Probably

I’m just sayin’.

Feel free to weigh in.

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As It Turns Out History Is Not My Strongest Subject – Thus The Extra “D”

You’ve heard of the musical “Hamilton”

But have you heard the talk

Of my upcoming X-rated sequel

All about John Handcock?

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It’s A Metaphor For The Debate, Just FYI

Imagine a beach, sunny and warm.

The air is still, the tide is low.

A sandcastle and a tumbleweed

Wait for when the wind will blow

For with the wind come mighty waves

And so the castle foretells its fall.

The tumbleweed senses the moment when

The winds will answer its lazy call.

A bit of dirt dressed nobly

Collapses as the breezes rise.

A pointless weed will dance with joy

Among the currents of the sky.

A dirty house, an unrooted plant

So come together, sand and weeds:

They may not be what America wants

But the CPD says they’re what America needs.

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For Jimi And Prince: May They Forever Rock (And Roll Over In Their Graves)

Purple rain

Is such a pain.

Purple haze

Will not amaze.

For purple weather

That’s really neat

You need to try out

Purple sleet!

Like solid water

Or saggy snow

Purple Sleet’s

The way to go.

You doubt me? Ask

A friendly pilot:

There’s no sleet like

Sleet that is violet.

When hail’s too hard

And rain’s too gray

Don’t bid the clouds

To go away.

Instead you’ll wish

(Unless you’re dumb)

For slush to fall

That’s colored plum.

Purple Sleet

Will enlarge your meat.

It’s organic and part

Of a breakfast complete.

So when you’re blue

And just can’t cope

And some red to your slush:

Your sleet’s heliotrope!

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Back To The Future XVII

Today is my birthday.

I’m seven days old.

From now on when they tell me

“Park the DeLorean”

I’ll do what I’m told.

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Honestly This Is The Best Joke I Can Come Up With Tonight… So In That Sense The Poem Is Honest

I lied to you this evening

When I said that I was fine.

Truth is I feel rusty

Like I used WD-39.

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The Sexiest Acronym

There’s this fellow they call Y.I.

Everyone wants to F him, but why?

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Pilots vs. Hairdressers

Air show! Air show!

Lots of planes,

Tons of balls,

Questionable brains.

Hair show! Hair show!

Fewer planes,

Fewer balls,

The brain thing’s the same.

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