Monthly Archives: October 2016

Prelude To A November Incarceration

Today I donned my costume

Of civilization’s promiscuity

And the intolerable agony

Such laxness ought to bring.

Yes, amidst the evening’s gloom

It looks a bit like nudity.

And officer, I’ll answer yes,

It is a nipple ring.

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Prudent Historical Decisions

There’s a reason there aren’t dentists

On that South Dakota mountain

‘Cause then they’d have to  call it “Mount Brushmore.”

For taste there’s no accountin’.

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It’s The Thought That Counts

I saw a homeless family.

In rags they all did dress.

They held a sign: “We appreciate

“Whatever you’ll spare. God Bless.”

I just happened to be

Driving home from the lab

And I had extra hydrochloric acid

Beside me in the cab.

I tossed them the beakers

Which catch they did not.

Oh the presumably joyful tears

To their eyes that I brought!

Some people would pass them

Without thinking twice

But today I was different.

Today I was nice.

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Things Could Be Better… Or Not?

Remember that time,

That era of bliss,

When everything was

So much better than this?

When rainbows were present

Despite sunny days?

When you truthfully liked

One or more high school plays?

When people were friendlier

Than they are now?

When you could eat beef

Without harming a cow?

When the radio played

All your favorite songs

And giant monkeys weren’t kings

But elected-representative Kongs?

When Hamilton tickets

Could be purchased without

Selling infants on ebay

And a diagnosis of gout?

When Harambe was living

And that neighbor you hate

Was still in a prison

Somewhere in Kuwait?

But alas, you are peasants

And remember you don’t.

You tell me “say sorry,”

But too bad, I won’t. 

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Everyone In Greece Is Laughing Now

Όλοι στην Ελλάδα 

είναι το γέλιο τώρα.

Σου είπα.

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Why I Don’t Rap

My glass chicken

Laid a Faberge egg.

Last night you laid your hand.

My cow produces

Golden milk.

My bull excretes your band.

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Mensa Parties

My friends flanked me

And asked

In a way which I’ll say

Was stereophonic

“What’s a funny example

Of a time

When crap happened

That was ironic?”

I thought for a bit

When suddenly

An epiphany whiffed at me

Through the mounting tension.

I said “well one time

“People used words

“Expressing something contrary

To their literal intention.”

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Why You Read This Blog Instead Of Actual Poetry

Were it a time of day

And we a natural feature

It would liken us to feel

A passive emotion.

So ere it be

That words long forgotten

Exfoliate our mutual conditions

To clarify depth and artistry.

Whosoever feels

By and large unfeeling

Throws the mercy upon themselves

To the black asp of memory

And by such consumption

Your consciousness neglects

That this poem is really

A fart joke by a PhD. 

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Blind Dates

Her hair is long and red.

Here eyes are green and furry.

Her skin is made of broken souls.

Good thing my vision’s blurry.

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Medical Motivation

I’m a proctologist,

Healer of butts.

That much I swear is the truth.

Folks always ask

Why I’ve chosen such work

That so clearly is gross and uncouth.

Some say it’s because

I want to be rich.

Some think I must be gay.

Some say I’ve got

A stick up my butt

And I want you to feel the same way.

Some say I had talent

In medical school

And I’d probably have aced all my classes

If I hadn’t been so

Dedicated and focused

On the likes of my peers and their asses.

Some say I love butts

A little too much

But hadn’t the talent for porn.

The truth is I want

To study in depth

How politicians are born.

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