Monthly Archives: February 2017

Different Types

If you like lettuce

And cabbage and kale

And you want to be green

And maybe save a whale

I wish you a life

That is long, joyful, happy

While I go to Hell

With people who aren’t so sappy.

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Really Though, How Do You Spell The Last Word?

I looked at all the people

Seated in their chairs.

I told them “I won’t paint the steps”

But I only got blank stares.

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Politically Correct Case Study

They keep making King Kong movies

And they keep casting giant apes

To play the King in question.

That seems like sour grapes!

Why not cast a human

Or a donkey or a skunk?

Why must Kong be royalty

Instead of just a common punk?

Why must the ape be male

And violent and dark-furred?

Has diversity to the producers’

Shallow minds ever have occurred?

I think the next King Kong film

Should be about a lady bird.

If you don’t agree you’re evil

And we need to have a word.

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Announcing the Semi-Bicentennial “Chickens Are Good” Bad Poetry Contest That Will Not Make You Bald (Probably)

Today I socialized again.

It’s becoming a bad habit…

Anyway, my friend and reader said

My opinion towards chickens is “stab it.”

I’ve written about chickens for dinner

And, yesterday, going to Hell.

All in all my poems about chickens

Do not treat them very well.

I wanted to amend my cruelty

Towards our egg-laying kin

And so I announce a contest

That upon this fine day shall begin!

Now a good contest must have a theme

And should recur on an oft-scheduled basis

And feature many a viewpoint

And not force the victor into cryogenic stasis.

My contest achieves all of these goals

And here’s what the contest is called:

The Semi-Bicentennial “Chickens Are Good”

Bad Poetry Contest That Will Not Make You Bald (Probably).

I’m seeking submissions from readers,

From other poets, artists, and guests

On the topic of the glories of chickens

And of a quality that won’t get an A on tests.

So comment your dubious poetry

About the glory of hens and of cocks.

Just comment them on this announcement

And just make sure that none of them rocks.

I look forward to reading your poems

And the chickens most likely do not

Because they’re illiterate morons.

(Now’s your chance to prove that they’re not)!


Filed under Poems, To the Reader

My Religious Beliefs

“Chickens don’t believe in God

“So chickens go to Hell.”

That’s what Grandma told me

And so far it’s served me well.

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Passing The Bar?

The taps are flowing,

The music blares!

The mistakes pile up

But nobody cares.

New stories are heard

And new memories leave.

Every girl at the bar

Hears “sup girl? I’m Steve.”


Are out the door.

There’s one good answer

When they ask “one more?”

Bodies shimmy 

And booties shake!

Isn’t it joyful

At rationality’s wake?

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The Bible, Basically

Every single second

Of every single day

You have the chance to change your life

And live a better way,

To turn off the autopilot

And let your thoughts run free,

To say goodbye to who you were

And welcome who you want to be.

Every single moment

In every person’s life

Comes with bits you wish would simply

Get impaled by a knife.

Sloth and greed and gluttony

Will leave you be, you’ll find,

If you toughen up and stab them

With the power of your mind.

You’re an amazing creature

Who can do amazing things.

You’re why the spider scurries

And you’re why the bluebird sings.

Your dreams can all be conquered

So show them you’re the dude!

Yours truly, God/Yweh.

Lol Jk you’re screwed!

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Camping Proclamation

When in the course

Of human events

We leave our homes

To live in tents

We write poems on topics

Irrelevant to the season

So if this poem’s turnaround seems abrupt

Probably slavery’s the reason.

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Not Your Average Blackbirds

Three grey crows

Walk into a bar

Where liberals make jokes

About how white they are.

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Glass half-empty,

Glass half-full:

Whole debate

Is kind of dull.

Glass is folded

In a ball.

I don’t get

This debate at all.

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