Monthly Archives: April 2017

The Favorite Joke Of A Stuffed Llama Named “Lee”

I was traveling in Delhi

When I noticed something smelly,

A lentil dish I didn’t want at all.

I asked “what’s that?” They said

“That’s for punishment,”

And explained to me the dish was vudu dahl.

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Maybe That Someone Spoke Truthfully After All

Someone called me “Nincompoop”

Which didn’t seem fair to me.

Alas, that someone only laughed

When I called him “Nincompee.”

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My Last Words As An Employed Relationship Counselor

“Every single woman

Who is single seems to be

Either fat, a slut, a robot,

Or living far away from me.

I may be exaggerating,

My standards set too high,

But I’m getting sick of looking

And I cannot tell a lie.”

Hear ye, frustrated seeker

Of a love that doesn’t suck:

Your whining has been heard

And it turns out you’re in luck!

A new app’s been developed

You can download on your phone

That can take your DNA

And produce your romantic clone.

“Responder to my whining…

The problem is, you see,

That my standards are so high

That I’m not good enough for me.”

Whiny loveless seeker…

The nail’s head’s been hit.

If you’re sure no one will ever be

A truly perfect fit

Then go and buy a puppy

Or a dolphin or a snake

So your next of kin gets something

After you drown yourself in a lake.

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My Worst Pun Ever… Turn Your Sound Up

If you’re brazen as a basilisk,

Audacious as a drake,

Cocky as a colossus,

Saucy as a snake,

If a wyvern wouldn’t scare you

And a wyrm won’t give you palsy

Then my compliments to you dear friend

‘Cause you are this.

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GI Average Joe: Halfass Commando

My squad was pinned down

By ten-thousand Iraqis.

We stood not a chance

Against all Allah’s lackeys.

Somehow we survived

And came home from the war,

I with one right leg less

And one purple heart more.

When the big day arrived

To get my medal from Trump

The pres stuck it on,

Said “congrats on the stump!”

Now I live a life

Where I needn’t pack heat,

Where I save cash on tickets

When I buy half a seat.

People notice my injury

Although I don’t tout it.

I keep on with my life

And there’s no butts about it!

In a few years I’ll die

And they’ll speak at my wake.

“He was not and had not

“An asshole,” they’ll spake.

And then I’ll be in heaven

Or maybe in Hell.

Either way, no VA

So I think I’ll be well.

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“You can’t make an omelette

Without craking a bag

Of artificial egg-substitute flakes

That lack allergic red flags

And don’t indirectly harm animals

Like your processed foods do.”

I don’t much care for

Vegan analogies. Do you?

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Beta Hero Speaks His Mind

She stared deeply into his eyes

And, sultry, licked a cube of ice.

“However can I repay you?”

“Well, repayment would be nice?”

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Seeing Me For Me

To have a snazzy nickname

Like Ultra, Swabs, or Fish:

That was my desire,

My one and only wish

‘Til today I walked down broadway

And someone yelled “hey, herpes guy!”

Somehow I’m not happy

Though my wish is satisfied…

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Dr Seuss Warms Up

Tail fish, head fish.

Blue fish, red fish.

Althought it’s not my wish

Son, I flushed your dead fish.

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You’re Probably Just Racist

Why do people always think

That I’m a creepy guy

Just ’cause I eat other humans?

Oh why, oh why, oh why?

Why can’t they come to love me

As a human, not a specter?

Heck, they made a TV show

All about Hannibal Lecter!

Why can I not find true love?

Why are all hearts filled with doubt?

I thought that lots of people

Liked to be romantically eaten out!

I’m entirely worthy of your trust

From my toes to my chin’s cleft!

And don’t mind the BBQ sauce shower…

It’s just something the old owners left.

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