Monthly Archives: July 2017

The Present Present Is Presented By Presence

Your presence

Is like the absence

Of a present

Of being absent.

That’s how I feel

Which is to say

Your absence is a present

So please go away.

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Lullaby For A Cynical Man-Child

Grizzly bear

Sitting there

Playing with

My ex-wife’s hair.

He seems happy.

She seems dead.

Yes I’m morbid.

Now, off to bed.

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“Satan’s Bear Spray” Gets A New Band Member

Heavy metal music

Could really benefit

If the makers would include

More harmonicas in it,

‘Cause in between the screaming,

Angry lyrics, and casual sin

You might think the bands are scary.

That’s where harmonicas come in!

“I want to thrash your eyes out!”

Screams a man who’s nicknamed “Blight,”

Then the harmonica gently vibrates

As if to say “it’s all alright.”

It would be an innovation

To the predominant metal sound,

And you’d find cheerier venues

With more harmonicas around.

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Self-Discovery, The Very-Old Fashioned Way

If I were a trilobite

I’d be very lonely.

I’d go on trilodate.com

But I’d find myself only.

I’d be alone through every night

And have very little fun.

But I realize I don’t know what I trilobite is

And also that I just might be one. 

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I Had An Idea And I Ran With It… Please Don’t Sue Me

I read a headline today

About some medical supplements

Who killed a baker’s apprentice.

I couldn’t help but say “oh boy.”

What else can you say

When you read in the paper

A headline that says

“Pills bury dough boy.”

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Also, I Seem To Be Getting Smaller…

I look like a million bucks

Which really, REALLY sucks:

I’m paper thin

With off-green skin

And my value’s always in flux.

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Why I Never Got Together With That Cute Girl In Class

What wonder has a flower,

A daisy or a rose,

To the clueless human

As on its way it goes?

A work of nature, beautiful,

Is worth not but a glance

For what interest has a human

In the idle ways of plants?

But a very ugly flower

That can nauseate by sight,

That makes you want to kick a baby,

Draw attention that just might.

So when you see the spiders

Crawling from my bloodshot eyes

I seek your fondness and attention.

‘Twas not that so very wise?

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Questionable Pickup Line #473

If you see a girl you like

And say to her “my name is Mike”

Then it’d be a real shame

If that weren’t your real name.

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Elegy For My Youthful Vigor

‘Tis late! ‘Tis late!

‘Tis nearly dark!

I really should be snoring.

You say “it’s fine,”

But it’s nearly 9:00

And, oh my God, I’m boring!

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Practice for Monday

I’m tired, dizzy,

Nauseous, weak.

I cannot smell.

It hurts to speak.

I cannot walk.

I long to die!

I can’t go to work

Nor (God forbid) lie.

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