Monthly Archives: September 2017

But Not Soccer… I’m Not That Desperate

I kinda hope the NFL

Display the stubborness of men

And they keep sitting for the anthem

Because I figure then

People will start watching hockey

And I can talk about sports again.

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An Actual Retirement Home On My Street

No matter how I’ve managed to sin

Since my life, long ago, did begin

Please forgive me enough

(Even take all my stuff),

Just don’t leave me at the Woodway Inn!

#RetiredPeopleDon’tDropSoap

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No (AKA Why Is Pessimism Such An Ugly Word Anyway?)

If the floor weren’t made of lava

And society wasn’t Hell

And people were polite

And once in a while something went well

And I wasn’t disappointed

By the bills someone probably sent me

And my life wasn’t garbage

Would the glass still be half-empty?

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Children’s Music

For those of you who do not know

I have a sparse financial pool,

And so to make some extra bucks

I teach chess at the local school.

Now, names are hard to memorize

So sometimes we play games

To have fun, but mostly to

Help master all the names.

One such game is but a song,

Wherein the person pitched

Is sung to in a pattern

In which some letters get switched:

“Jamie jamie bo bamie,

“Bannana-fanna fo famie,

Me, my, mo mamie,

“Jamie.”

Yes, it is a silly game

But it does its job.

The problem is that you don’t want

To make the children sob

So every single child

Gets their own letter-swapping chorus

To help us learn their names

Before they play chess and ignore us.

In the old days all the Jamies,

Davids, Duncans, Kyles, and Joes

Could sing this song as easily

As “Head, shoulders, knees and toes.”

But now all the La’shamquas,

Chimeras, Flexktons, and Ka’drames

Don’t work as well with this song

(And the Aidan/Caden/Jaydensall sound  the same).

Still the worst name ever

That I’ve applied this method too

Was a little boy named Tucker

Who didn’t want to go boo-hoo

So a class of twenty children

Sang “bannana-fanna fo…”

Then sang the next line to the principal

Who then told me I had to go.

So that’s why I am hustling

With my chess board in the park.

Sometimes you end up a hero.

Sometimes Tucker makes you a shark.

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How To Make French Toast?

Could somebody help me, perchance?

I’m vacationing somewhere in France

And my most gracious host

Asked to make them a toast

But objected when the eggs and cream got on their pants…

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The Kaepernick Song

I say you can kneel if you wanna

Before you play behind the line,

But if your political stance

Draws an unpopular glance

Then you’ll be on no team of mine!

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Hint: I’m Burning The American Southeast In Effigy

It’s my birthday.

The Seahawks lost.

You may or may not draw

An accurate conclusion

Of my happiness (or lack thereof)

Based on that information.

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But Will The Buck Stop There?

There’s a deer in the bathroom.

Its name, we don’t know.

We’ve decided to call her

By the name of “John Doe.”

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And The Bells Did Not Chime That Morning

I won’t give you the time of day

‘Cause, of the clock, I’m in the way.

(This line’s just setting up the final rhyme).

You’re the morning-bells’s knocker,

And you’d call me a clock-blocker

Except, of course, you haven’t got the time.

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In Hindsight, Not A Guy To Cross

Jesus’s phone rang, and so he asked “who dis?”

The voice told him “my name is Judas.”

Looking back on it now

Jesus needn’t’ve said “ow”

If right then he had fled to Barbudas.

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