Monthly Archives: February 2018

He’s Only Unqualified Because Privilege!

Marvel should create someone

Whose a hero with no powers,

Like a non-billionaire Batman

In front of whom no villain cowers.

He should be short and poor and whiny,

Cry a lot and be a victim

And whenever he’s out heroing

The Avengers ask “who picked ‘im?”

He displays no special qualities,

Lacks gadgets, brains, and strength

Which is why those who are like him

Need representation. At any length…

I think the point I’m making

Is while, sure, “Super” is great

We need an Affirmative Action Hero!

(Now your hate mail I await)

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The Morning News

Good morning, I’m your anchorman

Stu Earlyforme.

Today, Beverly Hills, 90210

Cleveland Browns, 3.

In an unrelated story

UPS has hired

For delivering heavy packages

River, a female tiger.

Though mostly quite successful

She’s been criticized of late. These

Critics say its dangerous

When the tigress River meets yo’ freight needs.

A new study from Harvard

Indicates the transgender switch

Can give patients speech impediments.

It’s titled “Man or Myth?”

And finally porn star ventriloquist

Ada Youknowwhat faced rejection

When pitching her new sitcom

Entitled “Yeast Inflection.”

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It’s Hard To Express Affection Sometimes

My love for you’s beyond that

Which human words can express,

But if I had to make a word

Then… let me think… I guess

It would sound somewhat like

The sound a beaver makes

When it stops chewing tree bark

And moves to eating rakes.

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That Blows!

My urine is made of pure oxygen

Because of a disease that’s rare.

It’s not that bad except for the fact

That my parents called me “Pierre.”

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George R.R. Martin Haikus

Tiny perfect love

Harmless as the falling snow…

Let’s murder it! Lol


If your life is bland

Even though you’re rich and stuff

Why not try incest?


I like stories where

Characters have twelve names each.

Maybe that’s just me…

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Three Stupid Little Poems That You May Or May Not Enjoy

“Tough Stough”

They’re was once a person

Who said that life is though.

I think life was thougher for him

Because he was dumb, yo.


“Follow Your Dreams”

It’s hard being a teenage mom.

I’m really not a fan,

But I think I have it harder

Given I’m a middle-aged man.


“Find Yourself”

Iodine fluorine

Yttrium ununoctium

Calcium nitrogen

Rhenium astatine

Thorium iodine sulfur

Yttrium ununoctium

Argon rhenium

Uranium neodysium erbium

Tungsten oxygen krypton dysprosium oxygen

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When You’re Flying In 16A

Like the great beluga whale

It weighs a couple tons,

Is pale as homemade yogurt,

And very seldom runs,

It makes a high-pitched squealing

When it means to share its views.

It mentions it’s in 16B

And apparently that’s good news?

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We are lazy-eyed romantics

Who, slothful, deign to leer

At sexy ghosts like future, past,

But seldom now or here.

We seek the worldly pleasures

That we, in moments, lack

Knowing we once had them

And hoping they’ll come back.

And like the perfect lover

The present sees us gaze

At a future that will never come

And long-forgotten days

Yet gives us still all that we need,

Supports in every way.

I write so we’ll requite the love

Of the miracle that is Today.

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Fired From Hallmark… Again

Why’d the first flamingo think

“I’ll be flightless, awkward, pink?”

How’d the first hippo decide

To be as tall as it was wide?

Why did the first jackass choose

That name as the one to use?

You may wonder, so here’s a clue:

They all wanted to be like you!

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Was There Ever A President Hank? ‘Cause That Window’s Probably Closing…

Today’s the day we celebrate

The presidents half of us hate,

The two or three good ones we got

And the fifty-some we all forgot.

We do not have gifts or a meal.

There is no spirit that we feel,

But it’s a day off so we thank

George and Abe and prob’ly a Hank.

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