Monthly Archives: April 2018

What We Learned: Don’t End A Line With “Desserts”

Lemon flavored water,

Lemon cheesecake and desserts,

Lemon flavored pepper

Are a few examples of how, with lemons, society flirts.

The only lemon item

That people don’t enjoy

Are actual plain ol’ lemons.

(Also maybe lemon bok choy).

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One Hot Lady

Like oil in a lamp

Your body casts light

On those huddled around you

In the heart of the night.

Made brave by your radiance

We shall never tire,

But I still wonder why

Someone set you on fire…

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Wherefore Doth The Pasta Descend?

With a great clatter

Falleth my platter

And on a great customer

Its contents do splatter.

And garments once gossamer,

Linen, and lace

Was not made awesomer

But red like my face.

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A Feminist Unicorn

She is a shining unicorn

Cloaked in righteous fire.

To her all that’s unequal

Is an injustice dire.

A gynocentric unity

Is all she needs for bliss

And society might like her

If she didn’t look like this:

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I Guess The Un-Levered Few Don’t Reproduce As Much

Somewhere around the first year ever

Somebody pulled a very wrong lever

And installed in the heads of the humans to come

What, on paper, looks brilliant but is really just dumb.

When man 1.0 emerged from the ocean

At the dawn of all time he was filled with the notion

That life as he knew it as far as he could see

Was something to be taken seriously

And a serious life, as he deemed at that time

Was to have the most wealth in the light of the lime.

So man 1.0 went on to fight wars,

To invent Gods and whiskey and sliding glass doors

Each sincerely believing his life was endowed

By something that made his life special somehow.

And meanwhile the malfunctions who wanted no power

Would sleep in on Sunday and sing in the shower

And wholeheartedly laugh at the hard-working host

Knowing he who wants least will end up with the most.

And so it continues by chance or by fate

That despite each progressive human update

The lever once thrown has not yet been undone

Thus why so many people have so little fun.

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The Best Classical Music Parody You Have To Sing Yourself (Guaranteed Orgasm In 45 Seconds)

People say that music

Is the worst it’s ever been.

I disagree because of one song

Written by Herr Beethoven.

If you take his fifth symphony

(That goes Da-da-da duuuuuuuh)

And simply give it the lyrics

“Oh baby yeah, oh baby uhhh!”

It becomes a pop hit

To match the best today.

Here’s a link to prove it.

You’re welcome, by the way.

Helpful hint: Just sing those two lyrics with the melody for about twenty seconds and you’ll get the intended effect.

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And Yet We Still Believe It

So began the monologue:

“Yes, of course I’ll train the dog!”

And in hindsight this we see

Was the greatest lie in history.

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