Monthly Archives: May 2018

Please Move Progressively Somewhere Else

If you don’t like the country

In which you make your home

Then see the world as options

To the places you might roam.

And if you’re in a country

You dislike but can’t depart

You are in our prayers,

In our thoughts, and in our heart.

But if you can leave your country

And insult it while you stay

Then do us all a favor

And shut up or move away.

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One More Time (Anatomy Of Pop)

I met you, romantic prospect,

At a facility frequented by listeners of this genre.

It was unrealistically perfect

To look upon ya.

Then I sang about nothing!

Then I sang the same nothing!

Then the same nothing again

One more time!

I mentioned your physical appearance

But also a personal detail

To convince listeners of this genre

That you, romantic prospect, are real.

Then I sang about nothing!

Then the exact same nothing!

Then a slightly lengthened version of the same nothing

(With backup singers)

One more time!

Then I sang again about nothing!

(Because choruses, yo)

Then again about nothing!

(Because choruses bro)

One more time about nothing!

(Yay radio…)

One more time!

Fade and repeat ad infinitum…

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Dating A CEO

I did some ideation

On the topic “you and me”

And I want to move the needle

To upgrade our synergy.

I figured I would reach out

And shift your paradigm

To show how being in my wheelhouse

Is an impactful use of time.

So let’s break through the clutter

Via disruptive innovation

And prepare mind share initiatives

Through casual conversation

And I hope that going forward

Thanks to holistic execution

This relationship of ours

Will have a win-win resolution!

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And Don’t Even Get Me Started On The Necking…

If I were a turtle

I would be more fertile.

I’d have more girl turtles to court.

Also nothing but fertile

Rhymes well with turtle

And turtles don’t care if you’re short.

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DELTA (Didn’t Even Leave The Airport)

Delta is an airline,

Or at least it claims to be.

It will get from A to B

Though via C and D.

Most planes will leave the gate on time

Though few will fly away.

From now on I’ll fly United

Where they acknowledge everything’s not okay.

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Still Want Super Powers?

Super strength at tea parties,

Super speed in bed,

Shoot lasers from your eyes

Whenever you say “I thee wed,”

Flight while on an airplane,

Access to Betamax knowledge,

Or being a straight white male

But only when applying to college.

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This One’s For All The First Graders (And Middle Schoolers)

There are things I’ll never knew

‘Cause I’ll will not have eating glue

But since I eated it I confess

This poem’s grammars has not make sense.

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I saw the golden headlights

Driving towards me in the rain.

I heard the tires squealing

And the brake lines shout of pain.

I smelled the burning rubber

And sensed the car careening

As I changed my Facebook status

So my life could have some meaning.

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There aren’t very many

Who do not have any.

There’s a few who have fewer than ten.

But if you meet the ten-plussers

Who seem proud and aren’t fussers

They are almost certainly men.

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Perhaps It’s Good Not To Remember Your Dreams

“Cyber chickens do not deserve Yolanda”

Was the first thought to pop into my head

When I sat down to write today’s poem

After exiting my way-too-comfy bed.

I don’t know the meaning of that musing

And likely it has no meaning at all

But if you are Yolanda do not settle

For a cyber chicken who isn’t on the ball.

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