Monthly Archives: September 2018

How To Hedge Your Bets

If you’re a divorce lawyer

Being polygamous is wise

‘Cause you’ll get a lot of business

And you’re already good with lies.

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No Mrs. Brown, Carston Is Not An Angel

If you have offspring

And they are not Satan’s toys

Then you don’t know your kids

(Or you children aren’t boys).

If the latter is true

Well, it gets better dude!

If your children are girls…

I’m sorry, you’re screwed.

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Thanks, Arbitrary Statistics!

A minute with me

Is an hour in Heaven,

But no woman will know

‘Cause I’m five-foot-eleven.

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Ancient Wisdom

“Let he who is without fault

Cast the first stone.”

-Ye Olde Baseball for Beginners

“Just because my path is different

“Doesn’t mean I’m lost.”

-Traditional Male Excuse

“Even though I walk

“Through the darkest valley

“I will fear no evil

“For you are with me.”

-Man With Concealed Handgun License

“Faith can move mountains.”

-Faith’s Lazy Little Brother

“There’s something about a woman

“With a loud mind

“Who sits in silence, smiling

“Knowing she can crush you

“With the truth.”

-Some hoe, probably

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Plenty of Fish

He stood on the granite cliff

Screaming hoarsely

Over the roaring black ocean.

From one of the shores beyond

An echo returned to him:

“Citygal17498 has blocked you.”

But mostly there was silence.

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Flour Power

All-purpose is white.

Whole wheat is gray.

I misspelled “flower”

But kept writing anyway.

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Because I’m An A**hole, And Also I Just Saved You Six Hours of Movies

If I got a degree in nursin’

And saw a patient starting to worsen

I’d say “Hey man, you’re dead

“And Rosebud is a sled

“And you and Tyler are the same person.”

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On Trees That Fall Where No One Can Hear Them

If in the glade that no one hears

There falls a silent tree

One asks oneself: Would a hipster

Try to buy the tree’s CD?

Given the same scenario

Of the silent fallen tree

How long would they call it racist


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The North and the South

If you’re the type of fancy guy

Who calls pink things “magenta”

Then I can cook you up a bowl

Of “Fancy-Guy Polenta.”

But if you’re the type of guy

Who shoots and drinks and spits

I’ll fry it up for half the price

And call it “Good Ol’ Grits.”

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When You Think “That Would Rhyme Well,” Realize You Were Wrong, And Don’t Fix It

There once was a man named Jared Russ

Who was fond of munching canned asparagus.

He ate it all the time

But for lack of a rhyme

Often said things were Ceteris Parabus.

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