Monthly Archives: November 2018

Meanwhile Men Just Sit, Kill Animals In Silence, And Love One Another

If you look I think you’ll find

That women are mean to their own kind:

They’ll criticize you if you’re pretty.

They’ll be mean if you look shitty.

They’ll tease you if they can’t see your butt

But if they can then you’re a slut.

They’ll mock you if you’ve got one pal, though

If you are popular they’ll call you shallow.

They’ll fill your life with only hate

But I’m a man. How ’bout a date?

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Ignorance Is Bliss

Our childish dreams are warm

Beneath the blanket of unknowing,

Our sensibilities secure

All thanks to lack of growing.

Dulcet and desultory,

With ease we are besot,

Avoiding the obstreperous

And things requiring thought.

We swim in tranquil waters

As our bones turn into lard.

Our brains become decrepit

As we hide from all that’s hard.

The deities of comfort

Sanctify our mindless chatter,

A lullaby to help forget

Our lives don’t really matter.

When hunger or reality

Force us, languid, to act

We choose harmony of feelings

Over cacophony of fact,

And thus have we who worship

Our mirror’s charming sheen

Learned to pray for ignorance

So that we may die serene.

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This Is a Poem Defying Negative Social Outlooks Towards Men For Innocent Behaviors, Specifically “Mansplaining”

I’m often accused of “mansplaining”

When what I teach just isn’t landing.

But never once have I met a woman

Who I accused of womanunderstanding.

So why do we assume that men are spreaders

And not that chicks on buses seem to shrink?

I await answers with manticipation

‘Cause I’m curious to know what women think.

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The Making Of Shrek 3 (‘Cause 1 and 2 Are Genius)

There once was a movie

That featured a fart

And, in children, it inspired laughter.

And so it was decreed

That fart jokes were a need

In all movies for children thereafter.

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…Until The Courtyard In Question Turns Thirty, The Biological Clock Kicks In, And It Settles For The Secure-But-Unexciting Wall

I was a brick wall. So secure

There was nothing I could not endure,

Yet, while I’m safe in a fire

She wanted barbed wire

‘Cause “Barbed Wire is hotter for sure.”

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First, Do No Harm

Today I’ve done nothing

But sit on my butt.

I woke up, closed the blinds,

Checked the door (locked and shut)

Then reveled for hours

Of sedentary bliss

Never once caring

About what I might miss.

And as nothing happened

For a fair bit of time

I had no new ideas

And committed no crime,

Consumed no nutrition

And didn’t make noise,

And somehow refrained

From molesting young boys.

I didn’t feel sadness,

Nor did I have fun

So for sunday the score is:

Catholics: 0, Poet: 1

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The Second-Greatest Invention Of All Time Was A Cutting Device

The greatest invention of all time

Was the invention of paper

Not because it simplified written language

Or made knowledge portable,

But because it drastically reduced the number of ties

In the popular game of “Rock.”

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