Monthly Archives: December 2018

Hear Hear!

Here’s to the year

That’s drawing near

(Or, depending when you read this,

Is already here),

I year where the queer

Have no need to fear,

Where we can steer clear

Of those who would sneer

And our get-in-shape goals

Can go get back in gear.

May your pain disappear

In the upcoming year

And if you partook of beer

Of deer may you steer clear.

I hope that my well wishes

Have thus been made clear

For this poem, readers dear,

You will find endeth here.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Tomorrow I’ll Be Motivated

This year I wrote poems

In large quantities.

Next year I will do the same.

That’s why I don’t mind

That my poem this evening

Is a bit on the spectrum of lame.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Dear Womxn…

The title’s not a typo

But a movement that began

Because the words “women” and “woman”

Include the words “men” and “man.”

I support those of all genders

Whether pronounceable or not

But there are a few more words

Of which ye womxn haven’t thought:

Mandatory, mandate

Manuscript and mandolin,

Manufacture, mandril,

Manhole, manager, mansion,

Manitoba, manometric,

And we haven’t seen

Manservant, mend, mental, and menstruate,

Manhandle, mangosteen,

Plus Truman, human, lumen,

Mandrake and manipulate,

Manifest, manageable,

Mannerly and mandarinate,

Mandatory, mandragora,

Manchineels and manticore,

Manicure, manifest, manubriums,

And over 1,600 more.

The point that I am making

Is that “man” shows up a lot;

It’s just a common phoneme,

Not a patriarchal plot.

So don’t mention Womxn to me

Or their mantras, manifestos,

Or other such manure.

Now excuse me, I’m making pesto.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Wizard, Meet Rogue

He said he had a magic trick

That always would impress.

He told me to pick any card

So I picked his American Express.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Just Peachy

I saw a gal I thought was cute

So I asked her thoughts on pitted fruit.

She said she thought plums were great

So I asked “How ’bout a date?”

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

What You Do When You Can’t Mock Kwanzaa Via Poetry And Keep Your Job

‘Twas the day after Christmas

And all through my mind

No ideas were stirring

Of the poetic kind.

I stood by the fire

While amidst the tumult

And I pumped out two stanzas,

This being the result.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Just A Century Ago

In the year 1918

Amidst a world we’ve never seen

The fighters of the first world war

Showed what God made our hearts for.

Among the trenches, wet and cold

A German soldier was so bold

As to sing, rather than fight,

A verse or two of “Silent Night.”

As dawn turned from gray to blue

One soldiers voice soon became two

And before the song was done

Two armies voices soon were one

And bayonets with white flags rose

And enemies came nose to nose

To swap greetings and cigarettes:

One Christmas morning, no regrets.

Whether trenches or safe spaces,

Between all people and all races

Lives a love that’s oft denied

That no longer should we hide.

If for a day or for a year

We sing of peace so foes can hear

Then whether brown or beige or black

We may just hear our foes sing back.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

I’m Going To Say This Before Every Meal From Now On

Jesus was born in a manger

And in French “manger” means “to eat.”

I don’t know how that is relevant

But I still think it is neat.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

When Nerds Die

While I was at a funeral

I had to share a thought.

I stood and shouted “Plethora!”

They said “Thanks. That means a lot.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Happy Holidays?

I learned a Christmas magic trick:

First, choose any number

Then subtract the area code

From your local plumber,

Divide the difference by itself

Times the weight of George Costanza

And you have the number of people

Who actually celebrate Kwanzaa.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems