Monthly Archives: January 2019

[(e^ x pi)^2] x 32/8 Poems About Stephen Hawking

He inspired T-Pain’s voice

And Kristen Stewart’s face.

He inspired the customer service line

For JPMorgan Chase.

He’s inspired Chuck Norris’s costars

And how my face looks when I kiss.

He inspired Kaepernick’s anthem quote:

“I will not stand for this.”

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Stephen Hawking read a book

About how to improve his look.

A little rouge and some eyeliner…

He was a brief history of sublimer!

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If Stephen Hawking gained some weight

And higher mass increases gravitational pull

Would fat Stephen Hawking be more attractive?

(And you thought physics was dull)!

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Stephen Hawking lit himself on fire

To experience how burning feels.

He gained a greater understanding

And a new nickname: Hot Wheels

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Gender Studies Major Seeking Employment

My IQ is 99.

My height is five-foot-three.

My GPA was 1.8

When I earned my PhD.

I’m not a total nincompoop,

Just a little slow.

If you ever need a nincompee

I’m free. Just let me know!

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Storytelling, PhD Style

Once upon a time

There was a noncommittal grunt

That lurked within the throat

Of a rather stuck up… woman.

One day it emerged

And then vanished into thin air.

There’s some backstory and lore as well

But I figure you don’t care.

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If The Beatles Were Japanese

Kaiju… Don’t make it mad.

It takes a city and makes it flatter.

Remember to shoot it straight in the heart.

Then you can start to stem the slaughter.

Kaiju… Best be afraid.

Though it’s filmed in low resolution

The minute its scales start to glow white

You know a fight’s the best solution.

And any time it feels pain, Kaiju eats planes.

It’s teeth are big and blunt like boulders.

And know you know how far Kaiju can fling poor you

Whenever his primal temper smolders.

Raarrrraaaarraarrr rar rar rar raaaar…

Rar rar rar raaaaaaarrrrrr… Kaiju.

Mitsu, don’t let me down.

You’re for some reason a robot pilot.

Remember to punch it right in the heart

So school-kids can start to sing together. (For whatever reason)

So fight it out and knock it down, Kaiju’s renown

Will suffer a bit after your meeting.

Don’t fret, Mitsu, that only you can fight Kaiju

And dish out an asian island beating.

Ha ha ha, ha, ha ha ha… HIYAAA!

Kaiju… he’s going down.

Falls in Tokyo Bay and makes stuff wetter.

The credits are just beginning to roll

But don’t take a stroll… the sequel’s better.

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju 2!

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The NO-bel Prize

I think we need a Nobel Prize

For folks who do not stand out.

If you’ve never heard of someone

Then they would deserve this handout.

We’d make a list of everyone

Who’ve done anything in their life

Then send somebody not on that list

A small prize, like a knife.

That winner would not be informed

Of the significance of the prize,

Nor would the media or public

Of the award be told likewise.

The laureate would carry on

Not doing much at all.

I think that merits an award

But, hey, that’s just my call.

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True Biology Facts

Blue whales are the biggest beasts

That ever lived on earth

Who weigh more than Drew Carey

At the moment of their birth.

They start out life as sperm whales

Then they go to whale high school

Where they get teased until they’re sad

And thus end up blue. Cool!

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Bachelor Life

Sometimes

When I see a beautiful woman

I feel compelled

To approach her,

Take a sip of champagne,

Gargle it loudly for 12.5 seconds

Then just walk away

‘Cause I don’t need all that drama.

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Sorry Fellow Libra…

When I was born the doctor said

“Your son may never speak.

“His tongue is all misshapen,

“His entire body weak.

My parents only smiled and laughed

As they rode home on the bus

Saying “At least that doctor

“Wasn’t talking to us!”

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Female Sexuality And Privilege In The Fruit-Curing Industry

If I were to pick a peck of pickled peppers

Peter Piper’d have a bone to pick with me?

But if I gave Ol’ Pete a peck

He’d want to bone, ’cause “what the heck”

And I needn’t pay the Piper… He’d pay me!

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Well, The Years Start Coming And They Don’t Stop Coming! Fed To The Rules And I Hit The Ground Runnin’! (If you don’t get this joke, you’re one of the first two)

When you say 2001

Some say “A space odyssey,”

Some say “September 11th,”

Some say “The year of the first Shrek movie.”

One of those subgroups

Is precious to me.

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