Monthly Archives: February 2019

Four European Jokes

If you think you’re very nice

I’ll leave you this reminder:

No matter how kind you happen to be

German children will always be kinder.

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If you read the first jokes

And your focus yet lingers

How ’bout the Roman

Who held up two fingers

And said to the bartender

“Howdy there Clive!”

Clive asked “Two beers?”

But the Roman said “Five.”

——————————————————–

When France declared a civil war

At first we wondered “But what for?”

But thanks to the historically well-versed

We learned it was an argument about who surrendered first.

——————————————————–

Spain.

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This Poem Was Originally Going To Be Longer, But It’s Sponsored By Apple’s Battery Supplier

I asked how she was feeling

And she said “Around 90%.”

That’s when I said

“If you were an iPhone you’d be dead,”

And that’s how my Wednesday went.

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The Nose Ring Origin Story?

I wonder who first got the notion

That to enhance one’s beauty and grace

And inspire mens’ loving devotion

They should stick some hardware in their face.

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Also… Elvis and Watergate

Falling feather in the sky

Falls to where I sit

And talk to fellow bus-stop-sitters

Who think I’m full of shit.

I tell them how I went to school

And met my true love, Jenny.

Sure, my IQ was seventy-five

But I learned a pretty penny.

I learned that trouble walking

Can be cured by being chased

And I got to go to college

‘Cause my legs were no longer braced.

After university

I went to Vietnam

Where I learned about the shrimp business

And saved guys from a bomb.

I met the president again

And became a ping-pong star

All because, in Vietnam,

I got a butt-tox scar.

I met Jenny in Washington

And bought a shrimping boat

And thanks to handy hurricanes

My business stayed afloat.

My shrimping buddy Dan and I

Bought some apple stock

Which made me very rich, so I

Took a three-and-a-half year walk.

After that Jenny got aids

And made me raise her kid

And, having done everything else,

That’s exactly what I did.

I appreciate you listening

And so I’ll tell you thanks.

Also, I just saved you hours

Of Alabama-voice Tom Hanks.

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Nautical Issues

“I don’t know how to say this…”

Jason said to Captain Tull,

“But the otorhinolaryngologist

“Spilled Worcestershire sauce in the forecastle.”

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Psalm 6:15 AM

1. And the Lord said: Thou shalt shower

2. And when thou have finished with the shower thou shall dry your face and balls

3. And shall dry thine face first, but sometimes have to dry it again after the balls

4. But fear not, for the Towel has a short memory

5. And where once thine genitals were dried, the spot shall be made clean

6. And the next morning the towel shall be refreshed, as if untouched the day prior.

7. And shouldst thou be aroused at any time

8. Thou shall hang the towel upon the “ready servant” and rejoice in your manliness

8. But thou shall not speak of this ritual to women,

9. ‘Cause bro, why wouldst thou?

The word of the Lord

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The College Athlete

As I jogged through the locker room door

Coach was shouting “This is what we play for!”

I said “What coach means to say

“Is ‘this is that for which we play.'”

I guess that questioning coach’s decision

To end a cheer with a preposition

Resulted in, so it would seem,

My no longer being on the team.

While you might expect, after my blunder,

That I hope, in my absence, the team goes under

I don’t seek vengeance for my woes…

And it’s “In my absence I hope under is where my team goes.”

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The Elf In Boots Of Azure Suede

For Halloween I dressed like Legolas

From the franchise about the ring,

But as I walked about the town

People kept asking me to sing.

At first I didn’t understand

This request, but I caught on later…

People figured I could sing

Since I’m an Elvish Impersonator.

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It Rhymes, So It Doesn’t Have To Be Meaningful

I saw the custard being poured…

Flowing, flowing flan.

Then the custard pourer tripped…

Going going gone.

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Venus In Manhattan

The day that Venus touched my hand

The night was dark upon the land;

The wind was very chill and grim

And the streetlights’ respites scarce and slim.

As her fingers met with mine

I longed for them to intertwine.

I held on tight as she let go.

How chill and grim the wind did blow!

I asked her why she ran away

But, no longer present, she’d naught to say.

And as I stood there all alone

I realized she stole my phone.

Venus, it seems, knew the pickpocket’s art

But knew not that she stole my heart.

So I launched “Find my iPhone”

And followed with a heart of stone

The steps to find my mobile and

The Venus who had touched my hand.

Down I followed many miles

Towards the thief and all her wiles,

Past the park and through the woods

And into shady neighborhoods

Until upon the spot came I

Where Apple said “Your phone’s nearby,”

And there I saw her, Queen of Love,

My iPhone held with woolen glove.

Her fingers danced light as can be

As she stole my identity.

I called out “Venus, I am Joe!”

She shrugged as if to say “I know.”

Then she shot me in the face

With majestic and transcendent grace.

As I descended to the dead

Her visage filled what was left of my head.

And on that dark and stormy night

When Venus’s left hand touched my right…

That hand which held the fated gun

Which well-ensured my life was done…

And whence the chill, grim wind had blown

I learned the downside of testosterone.

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