Monthly Archives: April 2019

Imagery (You’re Welcome)

I have trouble sleeping now

Because I had a dream

Involving my first cousin

And a gallon of whipped cream.

If you don’t think that’s creepy

Here’s the cherry on the top:

I live in Mississippi

So my cousin is my pop.

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The American Dream

Imagine a world

With doubt, fear, or hate,

Where all have a warm bed

And a full dinner plate,

Where soft is the water

And fertile the soil.

Now let’s bomb that place

And steal their oil!

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When You Irradiate Your Meal For Five Minutes But Stop The Microwave With One Second Left So You Don’t Have To Hear The Beep

I put my burger in the microwave,

Turned it on, and walked away.

I heard a helicopter start

And bullets start to spray,

The Marines are hitting Normandy.

This is cooking uncontrolled!

I open the door to fetch my food

And find it nice and cold.

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Pet Peeves

Sometimes when I get frustrated

I throw my mouse at the floor.

After I get frustrated

I can’t go to that vet anymore.

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…They’re Batman…

I read an article today

That said a woman’s voice

Will rise in pitch if she likes you…

It’s subconscious, not a choice.

I called my female contacts

To test the theory via phones.

I enjoyed a pleasant afternoon

With the voice of James Earl Jones.

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Some folks are really heavy

And some are very thin.

Some have different genitals

And different colored skin.

There’s lots of types of accents,

Many different colored hairs

But everybody’s equal

When you push ’em down the stairs.

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Evening Meditation

As the light fades to yellow

And to bright orangey-red

I summon my thoughts

About life to my head.

As red turns to green

Like autumn reversed

I think of life’s moments,

The best and the worst.

As green turns to amber

The cycle repeats

And I cherish life’s beauty,

The adventures and treats.

Then the light’s green again

And in my pensive mood

I ask “what’s with the honking

“And why are drivers so rude?”

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A 49-Week Relationship

One day a friend said he’d set me up

With “A girl, 18/19.”

That turned into the weirdest date

On which I’ve ever been,

‘Cause when you see 18/19

You read the “/” as “or.”

He meant it as a fraction.

I don’t do blind dates anymore.

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I’m a Bad Boyfriend And A Bad Global Citizen

I always treat a girl to Ethiopian food

Whenever we have a first date.

There’s nothing quite like the look on her face

When they bring her an empty plate.

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Egg On His Face

Judas betrayed Jesus,

Really gave him the shaft.

Judas said “YOLO,”

And Jesus just laughed.

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