Monthly Archives: May 2019

Cautionary Tale

A visitor had phone sex

With a couple of hotel maids.

He thought he couldn’t get an STD

But now he has hearing aids.

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I drew a little stickman

Sitting in a tree

Holding a banana

And my friend said “Chimpanzee.”

I made the stickman hairier

And made his muscles big

And made his nose look stubby

And my friend said “Chimpanzee?”

I made stickman hold a lady

And stand on a skyscraper

And the light in my friend’s eyes turned on

And he said “Big chimpanzee.”

Then I pointed at the picture

And gestured for a while,

Drew the same picture again

And my friend began to smile

And as the sand fell from the timer

He sat up straight and tall

And said “That is Godzilla,”

So I threw him through a wall.

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What Do You Want For Dinner?

If there were a food

Whose taste was so divine

To eat it made you orgasm

In an instant forty times,

That not only set your loins alight

But set your heart afire,

A food so good it’s better than

Hearing Taylor Swift retire,

And that this oh-so-perfect food

Can be grown nearly for free,

Can be cooked in 19 seconds

And cures world hunger instantly,

Is the most positive thing in the universe,

Like -1 times the all-time worst

Your girlfriend would whine about it

If you suggested to eat it first.

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A Bouquet Of Wallflowers

My bedroom, how graceful

The comfort it brings me.

The light through the window

Shines down from above,

And in shadows dancing

On white walls beside me

I find solace in the silence,

Alone with my love.

I remember old friendships,

The names so long forgotten,

Imagine the knowing glances

From one yonder dove,

Then flick on my TV

And lean back among the shadows,

In comfort with my companion,

My bedroom, my love.

Now not ten feet beyond it

A house, warm and welcome, beckons.

It bids me to come explore it,

Partake of its food,

And deep in my spirit

The call echoes deep within me,

But I’d have to do some laundry

And I’m not in the mood,

So I recline ever gently

My blanket’s my body’s glove,

And spend more exotic moments

In the bedroom I love.

At 8:00 my phone’s alarm clock

Plays “Ih, What a Wonderful World.”

I listen intently

To Louis Armstrong’s voice.

I see skies of blue,

White clouds, dark and sacred nights,

And see also comfy pillows

And soon make my choice.

And though I’m unemployed now

And probably approaching my doom

These words they will write on my tomb:

“His bedroom he loved.”

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Remember The Instigators

Today we thank the eager few

Who gave their lives for me and you,

Who walked through fire, blood, and steel

Knowing well how it would feel,

Enduring all put in their path,

Both human fear and nature’s wrath.

They kept their word and walked the walk

‘Cause politicians wouldn’t talk.

Tomorrow we will thank the few,

Among their number maybe you,

Who stood their ground and bravely said

“We do not want our children dead.”

“We do not need what others own.

We welcome strangers to our home.

The cause of each and every war

Are those in whom our power we store.”

Today remember soldiers late

So those to come won’t share their fate.

There’ll be no “Those who came before”

When humankind says “no” to war.

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Netflix and Shill

“You want to watch The Notebook?”

At 10:00 PM she wrote.

I smiled and typed “Is that the one

“With Kate Winslet and the boat?”

She said “Not exactly…”

And my brilliant retort

Was “Then who ends the movie

“By chasing the chick through the airport?”

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: ) vs. 😀 – Still Better Than The Movie

If someone shows you their colon

You really ought to be hopin’

That the parentheses that follows it

Is closed rather than open. : )


My top-three emojis on my phone

Are 🎆, ❤️, and 🤑.

I consider this proof I’m American.

Also (just to rhyme): 🐇


Blue are the violets.

Red are the roses.

In this era of graphical innovation

Why do none of these 😀 have noses?

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Subtitles Wa, Kawaii Desu

I watched American cartoons

All day every day.

My dad said I should read more

So now I watch anime.

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Private Thoughts

If I were in the army

Instead of throwing grenades

I’d throw bottled beverages

Like juice and lemonades

And while our foes are hydrating

And their smiles reach their eyes

That’s when I’d throw my grenade.


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The New Theory Of Relativity

If you’re in the bathroom

And a minute passes by

You don’t even notice

That on the other side

The guy outside the bathroom

Has lived 100 years alone

In a near-death state while you

Read your email on your phone.

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