Monthly Archives: June 2019

A Competitive Game

I asked the rock-paper-scissors champion

The secret of which symbol’s best to choose.

He smiled as he answered: “The key to my success

“Is, when I play, I always try to lose.”

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I Dream

I dream of a Utopia

Where no one eats for free,

Where no elected shadow

Dictates how I must be me,

A place I can be lonely

When I don’t want to fight.

Utopia, I know you’re there

Smiling, out of sight.

I’m homesick for Utopia,

Where death is commonplace,

Where value lies within the heart

Instead of on the face,

A world of small discomforts

That all will know and love

And one where there’s no safety net

Or eyes from up above.

The void between Utopia

And where I’m standing now

Is only empty space to cross,

And so I take a vow

To walk beyond the cliff I see,

To fall, or else to fly.

My body may not make it;

That’s how I know it’s worth a try.

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When You REALLY Don’t Have A Shot With Her

I see a lot of ads these days

When browsing on the net

For Calvin Klein’s new underwear

(I haven’t purchased yet).

Since it’s pride month I get these pics

Of models in a bra.

The caption reads “Proud in my Calvins,”

But I read it as “Hell naw!”

I’m curious if, come July,

We start to see some ads:

“Fruit of the Loom: No fags allowed.”

“Target: For guys with ‘nads.”

“Jesus loves Mack Weldon briefs:

“Wear them or be a sinner.”

“Panties for ladies who realize

“Dildos don’t buy you dinner.”

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Not Based On A True Story At All…

Here I am and in my prime,

No need for fear, no lack of time,

My IQ’s high, my flaws are few,

But there’s one foe I’ve yet to slew.

Somehow I feel my knees go weak

If, to a stranger, I must speak.

I can solve equations in my head

But not control the sense of dread

That spreads from pate to waist to toes

When I must speak to Jane or Rose.

I know Shakespeare, Austen, Keats,

But not wherefore my heart so beats.

Perhaps I’ve read too many tomes

To mix with non-y-chromosomes?

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The Moment Before You Concede The Custody Battle

When I was but a tiny lad,

Not more than eight years old

My mom would tell me “Go to bed”

And I’d do as I was told.

Now I tuck in my 8-year old

And say “Good night. Sweet dreams.”

And she replies “Keep lecturing me

“And they’ll never hear your screams.”

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Feel Better Quick!

If you never ever win

And you seem to always lose:

The video “10 Hours Of Darth Vader Breathing”

Has 2.3 million views.

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2020 Voters (And Europe)

I went to college and got a degree

And hoped it would get me a job.

I learned how to drink, put off work and have threesomes,

And be both a loser and snob.

I can write ten page papers with ten words of content

And get booze with no valid ID.

Now I’m an unemployed expert in horticultural psychology

And I think you deserve this for free.

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