Monthly Archives: July 2019


I am a man who likes the curves

On my preferred Madames,

But better still is having curves

On my final exams.

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When The Dragon Finally Wins

Where once there was a chosen one

There stands the lovely fool,

A hero who can’t distinguish

The prison from his school.

The chosen of the dragon and

The savior of the mass

Who once was slaying goblins now

Must take his english class.

The heroes, rogues, magi, and bards,

Barbarians and knights

Have no hydras to vanquish, thus

They learn the Bill of Rights.

What was a land of magic, full

Of ogres, orcs, and elves

Becomes a land where they must slay

The voices in themselves,

The ones that say “You are worthy,

“You are, by nature, fair.”

Teacher says “Slay those parasites,”

Preaching how not to care.

Though no fantastic heroes live

Today, perhaps they can;

There is a dragon, as yet unslain,

Whose form we call “The Man.”

We have the weapons, we have the words,

To fight on, brave and true.

Think for yourself and find your way

To start the tale anew.

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If They Spot An Oddity They’ll Start Feeling Audity And You’ll Be An Auditee

Thanks for calling IRS

We’re pleased to take your call.

We’ll be with you shortly

In almost no time at all.

Today’s call volume’s low

So you’ll likely only wait

Until the next December

Or the climax of your fate.

In the meantime please relax

And find something to do.

Our agents are quite busy

Making life feel hard for you.

We would like to help you

And help we probably could

But, by law, we are forbidden

To do anything good.

We know you are unhappy

And we know we’ve caused you stress.

Here’s some tax-funded Muzak.

Thanks for calling IRS.

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Italian For Travelers

If you want to speak Italian

Your posture is important.

Here is how you need to hold your body:

Start by touching all your fingers

To the thumb on that same hand

Then put your hand up in the air and shout “Bugatti!”

Now imitate this gesture

And speak your native language.

I hope this poem has taught you a lotti!

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Life’s Hard Questions

If you gave a guy from Zimbabwe

A billion dollars cash

He could buy a whole lot of cattle

And a man with a lot of cattle is rich,

But if you give an American guy

A billion dollars worth of cattle

He can send his enemies cow poop

For the rest of his life,

So who’s the real winner?

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Back Me Up, Caitlyn

I don’t call you “sir” ’cause I hate you.

I don’t call you “ma’am” to be a bigot.

I use words 99.4 percent of people

Will prefer to be called. Can you dig it?

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This Gender-Swap BS Is Making Me Thor

When I hear Disney the Almighty

Makes a movie about Aphrodite

And Tom Selleck’s the star

(And it isn’t subpar)

Then I’ll sigh and perhaps say alrighty.”


If I want to be Samuel L. Jackson

For Halloween, I cannot.

I can’t on the basis

That blackface is racist,

Or at least that is what I was taught.

But when Marvel takes a Norse God

And make him a random white chick

That’s not a slight

‘Cause he’s already white

And why can’t a Norse God lack a dick?


When someone signals virtue

But obviously have none

Why don’t we call their bluff?

I know I have had enough.

Signed, a white guy with a gun.

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This Goes For Taxes As Well, Except A Mugger Might Use The Money For Something Valuable

If you get mugged in central park

And think it isn’t fair

Just call it a “mandatory donation

“To ensuring criminal welfare.”

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This Poem > Green New Deal

Onions are the only things

That make their murderers cry.

We should all wear clothes made of onions

And all murder would go bye-bye.

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Guess Which One Is Double-Majoring In Sociology?

I said “I’m learning Spanish

“‘Cause I fear soon it will be vital.”

She said “I’m learning Japanese

“To watch anime without subtitles.”

He said “I’m learning German

“Because I hate punctuation.”

Zhe said “I’m learning Gaelic

“Cause I’m a man who wants to experience menstruation.”

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