Monthly Archives: August 2019

Also, Why Is Gold Yellow?

If you want to see if someone

Is a masterful debater

Just ask them “Why do asteroids

“Always land within a crater?”

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A Brief History of the Gold Rush

Back in the wee days of US of A

Some guys went a digging and one shouted “Hey!”

“I found me some gold!” “Oy, I found some too!”

Then guess what everyone wanted to do?

And so people came from all over the planet

To dig through the dirt and, with their eyes, scan it

For speckles and nuggets and loose bits of gold,

And some were successful, or so I’ve been told.

Now as the prospectors from far and near both

Were digging up gold, a woman did quoth:

“The men are all leaving to get rich or die,

“And thus we will join them because… you know why.”

And so California became quite the haven

For men who, for gold in the rivers, were slavin’.

Most folks were strike-outers, but some lucky strike-biggers

Wed the first Frisco lasses, the real gold-diggers.

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Filed under Lyrics, Poems

The Least Surprising Story Ever

The gender-neutral pronoun

In the english tongue is “he”

According to the Chicago Manual of Style.

A person on the internet

Disagreed with me.

He was a vegan 49ers fan named Kyle.

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I said “People love dying of cancer

“And stinky electrical stuff.

“Why don’t we combine them?”

Then the corporations called my bluff.

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NASCAR as a Political Metaphor

The Right

NASCAR is America’s favorite sport,

And know I think I know why:

They keep turning left over and over

Until they crash, burn, and die.


The Left

NASCAR is America’s sport,

But the first guy does not understand:

If the drivers do not turn left fast enough

The kill random folks in the stands.


The Highly Intelligent

NASCAR is America’s sport,

But I prefer monster trucks.

At least we agree on the important stuff,

Which is to agree soccer sucks.

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This Is Infinitely Better Than Whatever Poem I Come Up With Today

Do it 🙂

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Filed under To the Reader

Worth It

Once I took viagra

And had an erection for 36 hours.

That’s a lot of power from a pill!

When, of it, my doctor learned

He said “don’t be concerned,”

But I still had 35 hours and 58 minutes to kill.

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Mary Poppins, Directed by Quentin Tarantino

I like hiking by the stream.

I like the taste of whipping cream.

I like having a happy dream.

Also, the electric chair.

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The Frog Prince’s Happy Ending

A long time ago in Pacote

A princess would swim in the moat.

A frog said “I’m a knight,”

So she kissed him. That night

She wound up with a frog in her throat.

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Coconut Milk

I wonder if the island folks,

The island dames and island blokes,

Get upset when coconuts

Breastfeed their kids out of their cocohuts.

Yes, I’m tired. Liking my posts helps me sleep. You know you want to…

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Filed under Poems