Monthly Archives: September 2019

You Can’t Fail If You Don’t Try

In a horror movie

A main character will die.

In an animated movie

Someone’s probably going to fly.

In any recent Disney movie

Someone’ll be the token gay.

In a romantic comedy

No one marries their fiancee.

In a movie with a heist

Someone will dance under lasers.

In a movie set at college

The new kid will meet hazers.

In fantasies, a hero

Will be to a dragon born,

And that’s why I don’t mind

When there is not a plot in porn.

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Success Is A Choice

Somewhere past the mountains,

O’er the river, by the glade

Is a land of fame and fortune

Where a fellow might get laid.

Somewhere by my bedside

There’s chocolate cake and beer

And a whole day to play Skyrim

So my choice is pretty clear.

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Did You Read The New Twilight Spinoff?

I’m proud to be half-centaur

And so are my sister and brother.

We have human legs

And a centaur’s torso

And a very satisfied mother.

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The Important Person’s Guide To Everyone Else

There’s a horde of faceless people

Milling blindly in the road,

Never seeing their solutions,

Never earning what they’re owed.

They are nameless, they are faceless,

And they haven’t got a clue…

If that is what you see of them

Then that’s how they’ll see you.

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Now Things Are Getting Escalated

I have a confession to make

I’m guilty of a crime:

I stole a staircase yesterday.

I took it one step at a time.

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Dear People Whose Paintings Hang On The Walls Of Banks And Hotels…

Some people think art

Is how the heart speaks

And I think the heart’s saying

“Dude, your paint bottle leaks.”

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They Conquered Chess… Now They Conquer Your Newsfeed?

You may be scared the internet

Is written by a Russian bot,

But what you should be frightened of

(And probably are not)

Is that, if Russian bots can write

These posts (and if they do)

That a cold, mindless automaton

Is more informed than you.

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