Monthly Archives: September 2019

You Can’t Fail If You Don’t Try

In a horror movie

A main character will die.

In an animated movie

Someone’s probably going to fly.

In any recent Disney movie

Someone’ll be the token gay.

In a romantic comedy

No one marries their fiancee.

In a movie with a heist

Someone will dance under lasers.

In a movie set at college

The new kid will meet hazers.

In fantasies, a hero

Will be to a dragon born,

And that’s why I don’t mind

When there is not a plot in porn.

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Success Is A Choice

Somewhere past the mountains,

O’er the river, by the glade

Is a land of fame and fortune

Where a fellow might get laid.

Somewhere by my bedside

There’s chocolate cake and beer

And a whole day to play Skyrim

So my choice is pretty clear.

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Did You Read The New Twilight Spinoff?

I’m proud to be half-centaur

And so are my sister and brother.

We have human legs

And a centaur’s torso

And a very satisfied mother.

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The Important Person’s Guide To Everyone Else

There’s a horde of faceless people

Milling blindly in the road,

Never seeing their solutions,

Never earning what they’re owed.

They are nameless, they are faceless,

And they haven’t got a clue…

If that is what you see of them

Then that’s how they’ll see you.

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Now Things Are Getting Escalated

I have a confession to make

I’m guilty of a crime:

I stole a staircase yesterday.

I took it one step at a time.

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Dear People Whose Paintings Hang On The Walls Of Banks And Hotels…

Some people think art

Is how the heart speaks

And I think the heart’s saying

“Dude, your paint bottle leaks.”

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They Conquered Chess… Now They Conquer Your Newsfeed?

You may be scared the internet

Is written by a Russian bot,

But what you should be frightened of

(And probably are not)

Is that, if Russian bots can write

These posts (and if they do)

That a cold, mindless automaton

Is more informed than you.

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Wake Me Up When September Ends

Some may think it’s pretty neat,

But I just think its’s strange,

That there are people in the street

Protesting climate change,

Demanding that reality

Conform to how they view it

And thinking politicians

Have the tools with which to do it.

Meanwhile, folks RSVP’ed

To commit a federal crime

Via Facebook, storming Area 51.

(This stanza ends with a rhyme)

I think that this September

Is as dumb as a month can get,

But then I smile and remember…

It hasn’t ended yet.

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Why I’m Not A P.I.

If you try to stalk someone

And eventually fail

It would be worth your time

To work some retail.

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Thus Why I Drive A ‘96 Ford

A Ferrari costs 301,000 dollars.

A fleece blanket costs $4.99.

So would you trade 400 horsepower

For blissful fuzz ’til the year 62339?

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