Monthly Archives: October 2019

It Used To Be An Innocent Day Of Wiccan Ritual… Before The Dark Times

Instead of holidays with mangers

Tonight we ignore all the dangers

Of costumed little shits

Led by cats with big tits

Who, through threats, steal candy from strangers.

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When You Break Up / Lines In A Poem / So It Looks Longer / Than It Really / Is

Warlords might not be

The sensitive type,

Not ones to use shampoo

Or lotions,

But they’re a lot better

Than pacifists

Who are racist

Against certain oceans.

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You Scream, I Scream, We All Scream Because Of Them…

Some folks like chocolate ice creams,

Some folks prefer vanillas,

And some folks don’t like ice creams at all

Because they’re serial killas.

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Feel Free To Add More!

If America falls into a second civil war

And you live in a republican town

It’s smart to hide in the welfare office

‘Cause that’s one place the Dems won’t burn down.


If America falls into a second civil war

And you live in a democratic city

You’ll get shot alright

But if you’re not white

No one will say anything that makes you feel shitty.


If America falls into a second civil war

And California is wiped off the map

The quality of films will go through the roof

As long as you like that Japanese crap.

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A Oui Problem…

When I discovered my gender-neutral parent

Was not my biological dad

I realized it was quite the faux pa.

Yes, this poem is bad.

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Truth Hurts

She said “You’re too accommodating

“And also get defensive a lot.”

I said “That’s fine, we’ll work it out

“And also, no I’m not.”

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Why Die For Your Country When You Can Respect Children?

Though you think of cops and firemen

Or a soldier or marine,

There are men in much more danger

Doing work that’s rarely seen.

I don’t mean high-rise window washers

Or test pilots, you fools!

I speak of male teachers

At elementary schools.

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You Have It, But You Choose How

I share with you a secret

That you think cannot be true:

That everything to ever be

Exists solely for you,

That every book and every shell

And every coin and bill

And every star and sunrise

And every sloping hill

Exist as in a melody

From one eternal voice,

That you might seek to claim them

Through your only power: choice.

For if you choose to value wealth

Then wealth you will attain

Through labor, luck, investment,

Or through theft and threat of pain.

Perhaps you value honesty

And see all worldly truth,

Or perhaps you choose your body,

To sustain the light of youth.

But though the universe is yours

You cannot hold a star

For the heat of it would burn you up

(And also, it’s too far).

So too, if wealth should pass you by

Or youth and strength should wane

That too’s the gift of everything

Preventing unseen pain.

So if you wish to value

That which pleases most of all,

Don’t wish for that which others give

(Or to be six feet tall)

But choose to value where you are,

To dream only to be,

And you shall live in paradise

For all eternity.

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“One Man” Was Found Murdered In His Home That Same Evening

I asked “Why call it PMS?

“This will really save my bacon!”

One man wrote back “It’s PMS

“‘Cause ‘Mad Cow Disease’ was taken.”

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When A Kid Asks “Why Is Money Good?”

If you write someone a check

For $20.42

You’re basically giving them

A fancy IOU

That they can take to any bank

And swap for coins and bills

Which are, themselves, just IOUs

From folks on capital hill.

You can use these IOUs

To buy treasury bonds

Which are IOUs that pay you cash

Just for holding on.

If you cash these IOUs

You’ll find, in fact, you can’t

Because they’re just as meaningless

As the average Facebook rant,

But if you give them to your friends

Or drop them from the sky

You’ll become an instant hero.

Now do you regret asking “Why?”

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