Monthly Archives: December 2019

Italy Is Weird

Most people think that XXX

Means that a movie’s dirty,

But there’s a Roman guy somewhere

Who thinks the movie’s 30.

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Social Justice’s New Mission

Imagine there’s a world where aliens

Use human to wash dishes after a meal

And now you have a better sense

Of how sponges probably feel.

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Social Justice’s New Mission

Imagine there’s a world where aliens

Use human to wash dishes after a meal

And now you have a better sense

Of how sponges probably feel.

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Butt Weight… There’s More

I like girls who are polite

And women who are modest.

I like girls with joie de vivre

Although they’re not the hottest.

I like girls who demonstrate

A sense of generosity

Yet girls I meet prefer to flaunt

Their callipygiosity.

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The Fourteenth and Fifteenth Words Prove I’m Lying

Someone approached my wife and asked her

“Is your man a good multitasker?”

My wife said, “No, he’s really bad.”

I stopped listening then so I could get mad.

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Difficulties In Treating Dyslexia

If you need to do brain surgery

Make sure someone sees ya

‘Cause otherwise you might mix up

Euthanasia and anesthesia.

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Post-Holiday Pleasures

What’s most nearly opposite

To gently falling rain,

Your lover’s gentle heartbeat,

And comfort of the brain?

The answer starts with “Someone”

And ends with “Else’s baby on a plane.”

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Christmas Somewhen

Somewhen there’s a child

In the snowy winter night

Staring upward into Heaven

And onto the brightest star.

Somewhen there’s a desperate man

Who lost his latest fight

Who’ll spend the snowy evening

In the backseat of his car.

Somewhen a chilly gentleman

Will give one final cast;

A trip to somewhere lonely ends

With pulling on a rod.

Somewhen there’s a virgin

Sitting on her ass

As it carries her to Bethlehem

Where she’ll give birth to God.

Somewhen at the skating rink

He steals a midnight kiss

As the lights and drinks are flowing

And all life seems to rhyme.

Somewhen brothers stand as one

Amidst a toxic hiss

And proceed to kill themselves

One shot at a time.

Somewhen wrapping paper tears.

Somewhen candles light

Someone’s unspoken birthday wish

And others left forlorn.

Among the bullets, bottles, candles,

Kisses, stars, and night

I hope another savior

Somewhen in you is born.

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Is Mary In Labor Yet?

We’ve waited for a while now

To celebrate some waiting,

Expectantly expecting

To be anticipating.

Today at last the wait can end

And world peace is beginning

Until the 26th occurs

And we resume our sinning.

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*Rapidly Buys Stock In Scarf Company*

If you throw plastic in the trash

I hope you realize

That you might be the reason

A baby turtle dies

And if, because of plastic,

Sea turtles end up dead

They can’t make turtleneck sweaters anymore

And you’ll have to wear scarves instead.

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