Monthly Archives: January 2020


Somewhere in Heaven

The Gods all look down

At the biggest of cities

And the tiniest town,

They watch people playin’

And workin’ and sleepin’

(It’s okay that they watch us

‘Cause Gods can’t be creepin’).

They shout for our victories,

Sob for our failings,

But one thing holds constant

For all of their wailings:

All Gods will swear

On all that is pious

That those damned referees

Are all fuckin’ biased.

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The Event Of A Lifetime

They hosted a party

On the banks of the Styx

For the vice-presidents

And the second-round picks,

The guys who won silver,

Who went out with a flicker,

And all the cheerleaders

Who dated the kicker.

They hosted a party

For the closely defeated

To celebrate those

Who quite nearly succeeded.

I was invited

But stayed home instead

‘Cause I hadn’t stopped trying

And wasn’t yet dead.

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Raucous Caucus Talk

In Iowa approacheth

Democratic circumstances

In which the snollygosters

Can perform their verbal dances,

Each hoping to ensnareth

Those gullible and influential

For they see primary voting

As a big campaign essential.

The maladroits have moseyed

And the minor leaguers drowned

Leaving only malefactors

With the finest lies around

And the lucky folks in Davenport,

Des Moines, and Keokuk

Get to argue first about

Who’s the least likely to suck.

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Dear Muddlers

You want to be listened to

Instead of overheard.

You want a conversation

And not just have a word.

You want to celebrate your life

Instead of just staying alive

And because you know the difference

I know someday you’ll thrive.

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The Barista Song

I’m not smiling ’cause I’m happy;

I’m smiling because I am cold,

And I must pay for heat and something to eat

Until I grow fatally old.

I’m not smiling ’cause I like you;

I’m smiling because I need gas,

So I turn up my lips to encourage more tips

And, if that fails, wiggle my ass.

My smile is not one of pleasure

And the tears that I hide have no joy

And I, every day, pray for a bump in my pay

As I serve you your mocha with soy.

I’m not smiling ’cause I want to.

I’m not laughing ’cause I’m amused.

I just try to look fun ’cause I’m broke, 21,

And the universe makes me confused.

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She Had A Babyface… He Was One

When you think of rings you think “wedding,”

And you think that a heel is a shoe.

When I think of rings my mind goes to wrestling

And a heel is the guy people boo.

You think that dropkicking somebody is crazy

And I think it’s living the life

And that, my dear lady, is just one of the reasons

You won’t be this wrestler’s wife!

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When You Least Expect It

Sometimes you bite

A chocolate chip cookie

But it’s actually oatmeal raisin.

Sometimes you meet with

A girl you don’t like

But she’s actually really amazin’.

Sometimes you’re hired

For the job of your dreams

Which turns into something you dread.

Sometimes a cookie

Is only a cookie

But sometimes it’s a chimpanzee’s head.

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Social Media

I think there are two types of folks.

Let’s see if you agree:

1: People who are literally Hitler

2: People who think just like me

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Florida Man Goes Traveling

“Peculiar” is the word she used

Which made me just a bit confused.

What’s in any way peculiar about a guy

Who likes to eat burgers for lunch

With a glass of fruity punch

And, for dessert, has a slice of gator pie?

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Also, My Stepmom Is A Lot More Distant Now

I got tired of seeing ads

For beer and women’s shoes

So I installed an ad blocker

‘Cause what did I have to lose?

Soon my girlfriend Yui called

Saying, “Dave, you’re such a bore!”

I guess it’s my fault hot asians

Don’t want to date me anymore…

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