Monthly Archives: February 2020

Economics 101

I was almost bankrupt

But rather than admit defeat

I missed a few car payments

And boom! I’m back on my feet!

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People Say “Forever” In Different Ways

If you think your girl is nerdy

But you need to check the facts

Say “I’ll love you as long as a winRAR 30-day trial”

And see how she reacts.

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Teenagers Circa 150 AD

When people looked for Spartacus

For why-ever the heck they did

And all the Roman peasants

Done got the real Spartacus hid

And all of them were saying

“I’m Spartacus!” When they weren’t

I hope some guy was like “I’m Dave!”

And then he got, like, spurn’t.

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Wardrobe Malfunction

Yesterday I was responsible:

Got dressed, and went to work.

Just ’cause I mixed the order up

Doesn’t mean I’m a jerk…

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Cloud: My Vision

One day I asked the clouds to dance

And one replied, “Okay.”

It gave a hand of soft white rain

And lifted me away.

We spun and twirled together

To the songs of wind and sun.

Our only rhythm: happiness,

Our only purpose: fun.

I danced next with a hurricane,

A cloud made of the sea.

Throughout the dance, it’s center part

Had eyes only for me.

I danced among the lightning bolts,

With stars and endless dark,

Then I threw up the mushrooms

That I found in Central Park.

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All Shapes And Sizes

If you’re 4’11

You can bear Sauron’s ring.

If you’re 6’11

You’re like Karl Malone.

If you’re 7’11

You can sell slurpies.

If you’re 5’11

You’re forever alone.

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How To Offend Everyone In Eight Lines Or Less

She drove like she was asian.

She swam like she was black.

She jumped like a caucasian

With a dolphin on her back.

She wasn’t good at anything;

If she tried, she’d fail

But she was still ten-times better

Than every straight white male.

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Math Anxiety

My teacher asks “What’s the square root of nine?”

I say the answer is three.

The girlfriend asks “What’s the value of X”

And I say “She means nothing to me!”

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Weird Pets and the Poet That Jokes About Them

I found a pet I like to rub.

I brought it home and named it club.

Now folks aren’t sure how they should feel

After they learn my pet’s a seal.


I wanted to buy a unique pet

Like a hedgehog from the store.

I asked how to tell the girls from the boys.

“The boys have one spike more.”


The hunter said, “Look! A lesbian bear!

“Grab a rifle and go get her!”

I asked how to tell it’s a lesbian bear;

“They’ll eat snakes, but they like beavers better.”

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The Rest Is How To Playjurize Wikipedia Without Getting Cot

Ten persent of school

Is lurning how to get along.

Forty-two persent

Is lurning that you spelled stuph rong.

Maybe five persent

Is how to fill your plate and cup.

The other eighty-five persent

Is how to add things up.

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