Monthly Archives: May 2020

When Cops Steal Your Pets (At Least You Still Have Your Family)

I got licked by a dog,

Then I got licked by a cat,

Then I got licked by my uncle

But the Feds put an end to that.

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Death of an Influencer

Margaret died and stood by God

And looked on all there was:

An ageless, endless universe

With countless lives abuzz,

Singing songs that never stop

In perfect harmony

And Margaret said, “They must be sad

“To be there without me!”

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Wanna Hang Out?

I said “If”

She said, “Did I tell you about…”

I said “You”

She said “The time I had the doubt…”

I said “Don’t”

“About whether or not…”

I said “Shut”

“This eyeliner makes me hot…”

I said “Up”

“‘Cause I, like, wasn’t totally sure…”

I said “I”

“If this was chic or, like, couture…”

I said “Will”

“So I called my BFF…”

I said “Do”

“And was like, ‘Sup, my broseph…”

I said “What”

“And he was like, ‘Oh girl…”

I said “Epstein”

“That shade of ivory makes me hurl…”

I said “Didn’t.”

She would stop,

Or so I thought;

She kept talking;

I did not.

I hung around;

She tied the knot.

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Mostly Crap: A Decade With The Daily Travesty

I’ve done it! I’ve done it!

I’ve done what I’ve done!

I’ve congealed 8 years

Into one book of fun!

It’s the best of my poems

(Which doesn’t mean much)

In 329 pages

You can physically touch!

It’s out now on Amazon,

Soon to be elsewhere too.

It’s called “Mostly Crap

And that’s mostly true.

You can get it on kindle

As well, if you’re cheap

And it come with the bonus

Of wrecking your sleep!

You’ll never have more time

To read it than now,

So check it out promptly

Or maybe say “Ow.”

And if you buy and hate it

You may get the honor

Of being the first

To slap a 1-star review on ‘er!

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Biden Dirty

They see me Biden,

Debatin’

And rolling their eyes ’cause I’m so far past thirty!

‘Cause I’m just too far past thirty,

‘Cause I’m just too far past thirty,

‘Cause I’m just too far past thirty,

‘Cause I’m just too far past thirty,

I said they ain’t black

Like I’m not

Perhaps ’cause my mind is somewhat less than sturdy!

‘Cause my mind is leas than sturdy,

‘Cause my mind is leas than sturdy,

My mind is less than sturdy…

‘Cause my mind is leas than sturdy!

Sniffin’ the babies just for fun

While I say you don’t need no gun,

Tellin’ how our country’s run,

Then runnin’ my mouth when it’s said and done.

Tara Reade told some news site

What I did back then was not alright,

But poor kids are just as good as the white.

Good thing Bernie backed away from the fight.

Don’t worry if I’ve got some dementia

‘Cause I’ll designate yo job as essentia’.

Sure my kid’s salary’s preferentia’,

But CNN’s sure to bury the stench, duh.

I love having kids sitting on my lap,

I’ll do Zoom campaigns after my next nap,

You’ll vote for me despite this crap.

By the way, what the heck’s an app?

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The Heroes We Need

The closest of friends

Were Buttock and Cheek.

One was quite hairy,

The other quite sleek.

Whenever the world

Seemed wrong for a bit

The two came together

And stopped all that shit!

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And That’s The Truth?

At 5:00 AM I woke up

And went for a three-mile run.

At 6:00 AM I wrote a love note

To my honeybun.

At 7:00 AM I had breakfast:

Gold-plated caviar.

At 1:20 PM I lied in a poem

And that’s my day so far!

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