Tickle Culture

You’re a bad human being,
Not because of what you do,
But because you have fingers.
I’ll prove it to you.

But first a few facts
From an uncited source:
Sixty percent of ticklish marriages
End in divorce.

If that’s not enough,
Let the record show
Ninety-nine percent of victims
Are tickled by someone they know.

Just because you don’t tickle
Doesn’t wash you of guilt.
Look around? Don’t you see
The tickle culture you’ve built.

But after writing this
Everything stays the same.
All I’m seeking to do
Is impose fear and shame.

If I succeeded,
I am one happy elf.
If I didn’t, you’re evil.
Go tickle yourself.

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