Category Archives: Poems

I Started Writing This Poem In Real Time As We Tried To Watch A Movie, And ai Committed Way Too Hard To The Gimmick…

Portable DVD player

Why are you useless?

You should make life easier

But instead cause us stress.

I wish I could shoot you

In the face with a gun

But you don’t even have a face…

Another reason you’re no fun.

I’m writing this ode to you

As a professional IT person

Tries to make you work at all

Yet the situation does still worsen.

You are naughty, bad, and stupid

And a big mean jerk

But I’d rescind those judgements

If you’d just freakin’ work.

A part of me is fearful now

This poem will not end

Because you are our tech enemy

And not our entertainment friend.

Don’t you see the pain you’re causing

Readers of this blog?

All this to watch a DVD…

What a somber slog.

I would skip ahead in time

To tell you how this ends

But if we made a graph of progress

And analyzed the line of trends

I think the universe would end

In heat death before long

So just sing this poem over and over

Like the 99 bottles of beer song.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Is It The Tail?

Horsey horsey, riding in circles,

Pooping and snorting and chewing on grass.

Horsey horsey, tired of people

Comparing each other to your lovely ass.

Horsey horsey, with shoes made of metal,

Hair on your neck, your face, and your butt.

For some reason women all seem to love you

You’ve something I don’t, but I can’t think of what…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Everything’s Better With Blankets

Everything’s better with blankets!;

That’s an objective fact!

If someone says “No thanks, I’m good”

Something in their brain has cracked.

Everything’s better with blankets

Because they are fuzzy and warm.

You have one when born, as a kid, and so on

Until you move into a dorm.

Whether a fleece or a quilt or a sheet

Or a comforter or a duvet

A blanket inspired the doer of everything

To say an emphatic “Yay!”

Everything’s better with blankets

And that’s the precise reason why

You should never ask me what is

The secret ingredient in my pie.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Last Night’s Bad Decisions Lead To… Not Exactly Redemption

Whenever a poem begins with “tonight”

You pretty much know it’s no good

So this morning I’m writing early

Because I figure I should.

The problem is autobiographical poems

Are also universally mediocre

So maybe instead of being a poet

I should take up professional poker?

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Subverting Expectations

Tonight events happened that occupied time

And now I must sleep and dream of a mime.

I probably won’t, but it goes to show

I don’t always rhyme “time” with “rhyme”, my bro.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Perhaps The Most Extraordinarily Literal Poem Ever

Tonight, I lay in bed and rest

So tomorrow I can make a quest

Southward past the Emerald City

Where law enforcement’s really shitty.

I’m going there to see my girl,

Upon whom all my thoughts do swirl.

We’re working on my latest book

And soon you’ll get an early look!

So yeah, that’s all I have to say…

Just a life update and marketing play.

She is great and so are you

And now I need to sleep. Yahoo!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems, To the Reader

In Other News, How Did 10:53 Become “Late”?

There once was a poet in bed

With ideas flush in his head,

But he stayed ip too late

And, as was his fate,

He dashed down a limerick instead.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

True Stories from a Man’s Kitchen

Today I made some cheesecake

That I got from a mix.

I mixed a lime and whipping cream

With several cream cheese sticks,

But when I picked the mixer

To taste the final yum

I realized I forgot to add the mix

And yes, I’m really that dumb!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Her Heroes?

My lady likes a hairy man

Who eats his food straight from a can,

Walks silently around the house

And saved her from a wild mouse.

Her dream guy sleeps both long and hard.

Around him she lets down her guard.

He can snuggle up at night

And make the whole world feel alright.

She likes the feeling of his tongue,

Not worried he’s no longer young.

The only worry I have is that

Is this guy me, or is it her cat?

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

See Also: Guillotine, Quinoa, Otorhinolaryngologist

Worcestershire and Draught

Were about to get married,

In love for the rest of their life

But the priest looked upset,

And said “I am sorry

“But I can’t pronounce you, husband and wife.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems