Category Archives: Poems

We Won’t Even Go Into The “Mom’s A Virgin” Thing

One of the beloved songs

Is titled “Silent Night,”

Of story of a night where all

Is calm and all is bright.

With the writer of the song

I want to have a chat.

A silent night where all is bright?

What kind of night is that?

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Pulling Out The Good…?

When Chinese people

Want to eat on fancy plates

What are those plates called?

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Stallion Of The Sea!

A mermaid’s on my back

And another is in my jaws.

One appreciates my service

And the other sees my flaws.

My coat is warm and fluffy

And made of tiny molars.

I’m a great white horseshark

And my virtues have many extollers.

My mane is made of dreams

And my tail’s made of kelp

And if you could speak underwater

My presence would make you call for help.

I can smell blood from miles away.

I can run and jump and swim

But you prefer me to your boyfriend

‘Cause I understand you better than him.

Let’s go for a ride

And munch on a whale.

Who needs horseshoes

Or a boat to sail?

Yes, we can be friends,

Omnivorous kin.

But if you hate me I don’t mind.

I’ve got very thick skin.

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If Five Meaningful Episodes Is Too Much You Could Write A Sitcom Instead

As far as I can tell

All you need to do well

As a writer for TV

Is to write a detective show

Where your always-brilliant lead

Has some flaw or special need

That makes them an outsider

With a mono-syllabic name.

Then add someone to kiss

And a grand nemesis

That might, perhaps, be

More brilliant than they.

You need only in joint

Write five episodes with a point,

Then 17 worth of filler

And you’re on your way!

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Then It Said It’s Name Was “Officer Jenkins” And That I Was “Under Arrest”

I sat down one evening

On a recliner

When a voice unkindly arose.

“I’m not a chair”

Called the voice through the air,

From the recliner I suppose.

Now most times I sit

That’s basically it.

Seldom do seats tell me “no.”

So I just have to say

If stuff goes on this way

We must ask how far it will go!

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There’s Someone For Everybody

I want you

Like vegan bacon,

Like rain on my birthday,

Like my car being towed.

I want you

Like an unreleased kraken,

Like a giant pet termite

Or a poisonous toad.

I want you

Like an IRS audit,

Like Buffy wanted

A vampire to slay.

Some might hate this poem

But I know you applaud it.

My wants may be wonky

But you like it that way.

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RIP Bob (1945-2014), Most Valuable Employee (2015-Present)

A lot of Toms and Dicks and Harrys

Think of death as something scary,

But I see little cause for fright

In the unknown of an endless night.

Say a chicken passed away.

Some would cry and weep and sway

But I would fry it in some lard

In lieu of writing a sympathy card.

So if a friend or neighbor dies

Would it not be equally wise

Not to equate God to a beast

But to sell the corpse to Fancy Feast?

And if you are the one to pass

Why not do it with some class?

You’re dead, but life need not end. How?

Well, some call centers are hiring now…

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