Category Archives: Poems

New To Alaska?

The air was full of mosquitoes

And someone gave me a spray:

“It’s called mosquito repellant

“And it keeps the bugs away.”

I put it on my body

And away went all my cares.

Now I’m going to try the spray

For repelling the bears!

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See How These Things Escalate? (Pt. 3/3)

Ten minutes ago, I offended myself.

Five minutes ago, I told you.

Now I’m writing one last time

And this time it’s to scold you…

One cannot offend one’s self,

So you must be to blame!

Were it not for other people

I’d have all the wealth and fame!

To apologize for hurting me

I’ll deign to let you grovel,

To beg forgiveness long enough

To fill a Tolstoy novel.

These gifts won’t make you virtuous

Or cleanse you of your sin

But I’m oppressed for being great

So let the praise begin!

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Perhaps I Overstepped? (Pt. 2/3)

Five minutes ago I published

Twelve lines of verse about

Proper ways to socialize

For those who had a doubt.

Sometimes when I do publish

Things of that ilk I see

That someone gets offended

But this time it was me.

I read my writing quickly,

The slowly read again,

Appalled by what I’d written

With my figurative pen.

I got so mad I punched myself

Then sued myself. Outrageous!

Stay six feet away from yourself;

Stupidity’s contagious!

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A Primer On Common-Sense Human Interaction (Pt. 1/3)

If you say “Hi”

And get no reply

It could be no one heard you.

If you say “Hi”

And they say “Die”

It’s likely they’ve abjured you.

If you say “Hi”

And they ask “Why?”

Then now’s your time to talk,

And if, to “Hi”

They only sigh

Perhaps you’d better walk.

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No Joke!

Moreso than drugs or heart disease,

Moreso than any tumor,

Most tragedies in life are caused

By lacking a sense of humor.

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Introvert Riots

Today I protested protests

By going to the store,

Putting items in my cart

Which I did then pay for.

I then departed quietly

And went back to my house

Where I tweeted “Peace and love”

Before I beat my spouse.

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My Date Went Okay

I said, “Girl, you are fine.”

She said, “Boy, you’re adequate.”

After that things went alright

And basically, well, that was it.

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