Category Archives: Poems

I’m Getting Stepsistery In My Old Age

Cinderella is the tale

Of a peasant girl named Ella

Who, by being the only nice girl in the world,

Snares the heart of her fella.

Some say we’d all be Cinderella

If the world were entirely jerks

Yet I haven’t met many princesses

So I don’t think that’s how the world works.

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Normalcy Is Discouraged

If a thing is worth the work

Required to do it well

Then it is also worth the time

To be lousy as Hell.

If you hunt and fight and sing

And miss and lose and cry

You’ve far surpassed the many

Who were too afraid to try.

The losers of the universe

Die proudly in the sand,

Pleased to bear their battle scars

With dirt upon their hand.

There are no failures in the world

Of doing what’s worthwhile,

For both the best and all the rest

Have earned the right to smile.

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Never Discuss A Desire To Expand One’s Vocabulary With A Maternal Figure When Poor…

Fate, ye tempting mountebank,

Whether spurious or not,

Can prove to be, to our free will,

A specious asymptote.

Atropos, supercilious,

Cuts our time; We must defer.

My mom paid me a dollar

To write this poem, so blame her.

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Yes, The Rhyme Is Valid… No, 9:00 and 9 Aren’t The Same

Today I slept in until 9:00

And felt amazingly fine.

Tomorrow, alas,

All good things must pass

For I must wake at 8:59

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Trials of an Amateur Magician

Massachusetts, 1692:

They say a woman joked

Telling her husband, “I got your nose!”

Within an hour the fire was stoked…

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The Individual

I’ve heard you call me lazy,

Saying I get nothing done,

That I’m pale as a potato

‘Cause I’m never in the sun,

That I show up late for everything

And don’t talk very much

And I try to be romantic

But I just seem out of touch.

What I haven’t heard you saying

Is how still my mind can be

And softly sitting in the dark

I’m happy as can be,

That I fight to leave the comfort

That being lonely can afford

And how loving normal people

Often tends to make me bored.

You talk about the negatives

I often demonstrate.

I admit, of course, I do them

But I do them without hate.

I’m a champion of stillness

And a friend to every stress

And what you call “being nobody”

Is what I call success.

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Fairy Yales

Once upon a time

There was a tiny little rock

Who was the world’s preeminent scholar

On the early works of Bach.

The little rock was erudite

Yet its career went South

On account of probably white people

And, also, its lack of mouth.

——————————————————–

Once upon a time

A woman majored in STEM

And made millions teaching women

The ways that men were bad to them.

She could have been an engineer

And done science and stuff

But instead she told the patriarchs

She wasn’t paid enough.

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