Category Archives: Poems

Somewhere In California

My man bought a Tesla

Which would normally be fun

But it came with a purse

And his hair’s now a bun.

I told him I liked him

Because he was manly.

Now he’s leaving me

For his old roommate, Stanley.

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Streaming Exclusively On Disney Plus

I think it would be fun

If they made a new Jumanji movie

But it was a free-to-play mobile Jumanji

And they spent all five hours of the movie

Grinding for Jumanjewels

Before they gave up and decided

The old, murdery Jumanji

Wasn’t that bad after all…

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Yeah, It’s Annoying, Isn’t It! (My Next Poem Will Be Split Into Two Posts For Length)

There once was a cinematic sequel

With a cliffhanger end like no equal.

The heroes were shocked

When the villain they mocked

Turned out to be…

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Growing Up

It snowed! It snowed!

Hip-hippidy-hoodle!

It’s fluffy and white

And a plush poofy poodle.

They’ll close all the schools

And as a result

I’ll be even more disappointed

That I’m an adult.

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Midweek Passion

Baby, when I look at you

All sexy Thursday night

I think of how you’d look if you

Would move towards the right

And stand beside the TV screen

All cute. I want to cheer

‘Cause I can watch the game again.

Oh hey, grab me a beer!

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When Vegetarians Snap

There once was a Chihuahua from next door

That barked, whined, and then barked more.

Eventually he died

And nobody cried.

In other news, now I’m a carnivore.

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Tyranny Bugs Me

There they were, two armies,

One in black and one in red

Swarming from their anthill

Knowing one must soon be dead.

One was sponsored by Les Schwab Tires,

The other by Steve’s Work Pants.

One army shouted “We will be victorious!”

The other screamed “Death to tire ants!”

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Christmas Music After They Take Jesus Out

You know Penis and Meatstick, Schlong, Dong, and ManPalace,

Manparts, “The Ramparts,” and Weiner and Phallus,

But do you recall

The most famous Mickey of all?

Mickey the big-dick Reindeer

Had a very shiny body part

And if you go deep enough on Google

You can probably find fan art. (Please don’t try this!)

All of the other reindeer

Used to laugh, except the does.

They just avoided contact

To not be labelled ho-ho-hoes.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve

Santa came to say…

“Mickey, the elves started an insurrection.

I have need of your balls and weighty erection.”

Then how the laughter halted

As they watched the rebels flee.

“We’re sorry for feeling threatened

By your girthy masculinity!”

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Making Your Mind Up

The stuff that makes wine

May grow on a vine;

The stuff that makes mead

Is what the bees need;

The stuff that makes leeches

Can be found on beaches;

But what makes my mind go

No one ever will know.

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Male Privilege

Young girls get to be princesses

And have real tea at their party

And have sugar and milk

And gloves made of silk,

But boys? Yep! We get to be farty!

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