Tag Archives: Parody

One More Try (Guess Who Went To A Bluegrass Show Tonight?)

I was raised out in the country

A couple miles past “out in the sticks”

And I’ve got that country talent

For meetin’ just the most unfaithful chicks;

The Jezebels and the Delilahs,

The ones who’ll love you ‘til the dawn

But when I’m done cookin’ ‘em breakfast

It’s an empty bed, and oh! My wallet’s gone!

Woe is me! Woe is I! Woah, I think I caught her eye…

What’s the harm in making one more try?

Well I’ve tried bein’ a nice guy,

Bein’ bad, and bein’ cool,

But the role I’m best at playin’

Has gotta be the damned romantic fool.

Well I keep a few reminders

Of them in my rogue’s gallery.

If I’d a dollar for each trinket

I could pay a politician’s salary.

Woe is me! Woe is I! Woke up, so I didn’t die.

What’s the harm in making one more try?

Well they’ve got these handy programs

Where women on the worldwide web‘ll

Write about how they love laughter,

Tasty food, travel, hiking, and a rebel.

Seems a shame they’d waste their effort

Fielding mail from some desperate guy

When here I am, arms and heart open

And when it ends she’ll never cry.

Woe is me! Woe is I! Woman please just hit “reply.”

What’s the harm in making one more try?

Sure, when all is done and finished

Her ego’s big and mine’s diminished,

But I keep making one more try…

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Portland Rap

I asked a tranny dude if he wanted to fight,

‘Cause I figured “He ain’t got the balls, amiright?”

He said “No,” which is fine, but it got really weird

When his girlfriend came forward and I stepped on her beard.

I was going to write seven more verses, but I think you get the point…

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Where The Owls With Big Pecks Work

I hope in the Harry Potterverse

There’s a chain of restaurants

That serve the tasty chicken wings

That every wizard wants.

This restaurant chain is called “Boobs”

And the waitresses are owls.

It would be a hoot to go there.

Sincerely, JK Rowls.

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CNN, 1 AD

Almost two weeks have passed

Since the “King of the Jews”

Awoke from the dead after three days

And made international news.

After promising forgiveness

Of all humans and departing,

Mumblings of discontent

From sinners have been starting.

“I wanted to retire

“Somewhere warm,” one sinner said,

“But now I have to worry

“About grace and s**t instead.”

“I’m pissed about redemption,”

Another man commented.

“What about my right to be

“Eternally tormented?”

In fact it seems that since the day

That Jesus pulled a “Nope”

And ascended into Heaven

To give the humans hope

Everyone’s been angry.

“I’m upset,” one human mused.

Tomorrow: “Why all the good men suck”

Right here on Nightly News.

This post was sponsored in part by Serpent Apple Company. Just one bite can change your life!

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Amber Alert

What child is this

You laid to rest

That in my lap

Is sleeping,

Whose face glows white

Like the face of God,

And why won’t my cell phone

Quit beeping?

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Diet Supplements

Are you tired of working out?

Wish you could lose some weight?

Then you stumbling on this post

Is nothing short of fate!

See, I’m a famous CEO

Who grew up on the street

And I’ve been on some talk shows

And my life is really neat.

I’ve collaborated

With a bunch of science nerds

To make a diet supplement

That will leave you without words:

Our many happy clients

Universally lost weight,

And we’re officially endorsed

By nearly every socialist state.

What is this magic product?

You really want to know?

Okay, since you asked nicely…

“Dehydrated H2O.”

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Tearjerker Country Songs 101

It’s a stormy night of sorts

And there’s a church nearby

And the preacher with a troubled past

Welcomes some stranded guy.

They small talk for a while

Until the preacher tells the tale

Of how some dude did something bad

And didn’t go to jail.

Some family member died too young

And everybody’s sad

And you get the impression

That God is really bad.

But then the random stranger

Who was talking to the priest

Is suddenly regretful

And reveals he was the beast

Who did the aforementioned crime

That caused the kid to die.

Then he says “Will you forgive me?”

And everybody starts to cry.

Then everybody’s fine and stuff

And no one finds it odd

That injustice is suddenly fine somehow

‘Cause hey, why not? Yay God!

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Modern Art

Harry stood on stage,

Took a deep breath,

And said, “The,” for forty days.

Every day another voice joined

For eleven and a half weeks.

On the forty first day,

Harry stood on stage,

Took another deep breath,

And said, “World,”

And the followers waited a day

Before echoing him.

And so it was that Harry

And the multitude who came after

Sang a round, “The World,” in eighty days.

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Who Sang It Better?

I saw an advertisement

While mountain-climbing with my baby.

She asked, “Should we remove it?”

And I replied with, “Maybe.”

So up we climbed, so happy

And the snow made us reflective,

Until we turned around and looked

With our lenses-corrective

At what we later learned

Was a mass of falling soil

Which depressed me, for I knew my life

Was little more than toil.

In hindsight, I took my love

And I took ad down,

Climbed a mountain

And turned around,

I saw my reflection in a snow covered hill

‘Til a landslide brought me down.

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Dr. Seuss Writes An Adult Book

All the Whos down in Whoville

Liked warm beds a lot,

But the Grinch north of Whoville

Had but one lukewarm cot.

For a while he was fine,

Sleeping without a care

‘Til he saw Roxxi Whooter

Whose “whos” just weren’t fair.

The Grinch called to Roxxi,

“Yoohoo, you Who! Who

“Are you?” And she answered

“Just the right Who for you.”

And so the two sidled

From the town to the cranny

Where the Grinch made his home.

On his mind? Hootenanny!

At first he was nervous,

But the Grinch got it going

When what once was hidden

Was suddenly showing.

His heart grew six sizes

But that wasn’t all,

For the Grinch had Thing One

And Thing Two, neither small…

A while shortly passed.

After that, one while more…

Not a Who down in Whoville

Got much sleep, that’s for sure.

What had been merely good

Seemed to now be fantastic

Until Roxxi Who asked,

“Will that be cash or plastic?”

Thus went Grinch’s money

And the Grinch’s six sizes.

To the real Dr. Seuss:

This poet apologizes.

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