Tag Archives: Parody

Lent Carols

Silent bells, silent bells,

Silent all the way.

We’re not happy but at least

The priests don’t know we’re gay. Hey!

Silent bells, silent bells,

Silence for the win!

Here’s to seven weeks to stew

In our original sin!

Silent night, holy night.

Jesus ate not a bite.

Satan says “make that rock into bread.”

Jesus’s like “Naw, I’ll come back from the dead.”

Then he gave up Facebook!

(If you doubt it go read the good book).

On the first day of Lent

Jehovah gave to me…

Hot sand and misery!

On the second day of lent

Jehovah gave to me

No 🤬ing food

And some hot sand and misery!

On the third day of Lent

Jehovah gave to me…

(Use your imagination, we’ve got 38 more days of this 💩)!

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Star Wars Episode IX

The stormtrooper lands

In Nairobi, Kenya

And fires his blaster

Into the falling H2O.

The Jedi asks the trooper

“What was all that?”

And the trooper says

“I miss the rains down in Africa.”

*Roll Credits*

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Also… Elvis and Watergate

Falling feather in the sky

Falls to where I sit

And talk to fellow bus-stop-sitters

Who think I’m full of shit.

I tell them how I went to school

And met my true love, Jenny.

Sure, my IQ was seventy-five

But I learned a pretty penny.

I learned that trouble walking

Can be cured by being chased

And I got to go to college

‘Cause my legs were no longer braced.

After university

I went to Vietnam

Where I learned about the shrimp business

And saved guys from a bomb.

I met the president again

And became a ping-pong star

All because, in Vietnam,

I got a butt-tox scar.

I met Jenny in Washington

And bought a shrimping boat

And thanks to handy hurricanes

My business stayed afloat.

My shrimping buddy Dan and I

Bought some apple stock

Which made me very rich, so I

Took a three-and-a-half year walk.

After that Jenny got aids

And made me raise her kid

And, having done everything else,

That’s exactly what I did.

I appreciate you listening

And so I’ll tell you thanks.

Also, I just saved you hours

Of Alabama-voice Tom Hanks.

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Psalm 6:15 AM

1. And the Lord said: Thou shalt shower

2. And when thou have finished with the shower thou shall dry your face and balls

3. And shall dry thine face first, but sometimes have to dry it again after the balls

4. But fear not, for the Towel has a short memory

5. And where once thine genitals were dried, the spot shall be made clean

6. And the next morning the towel shall be refreshed, as if untouched the day prior.

7. And shouldst thou be aroused at any time

8. Thou shall hang the towel upon the “ready servant” and rejoice in your manliness

8. But thou shall not speak of this ritual to women,

9. ‘Cause bro, why wouldst thou?

The word of the Lord

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Guest Poem By Michael Bay

There once was a musclebound maverick

Who lived on a houseboat back east

Whose hobby was arm-wrestling pythons

And whose fingers’ tattoos spelled out “B.E.A.S.T.”

A menace that threatened America

Made the president call him to arms.

Then there was a gratuitous explosion

And a lot of red flashing alarms.

So Maverick emerged from retirement,

Shook hands with some buddies from ‘Nam

Then one more gratuitous explosion

This time from a nuclear bomb.

A scantily clad 20-something

Kissed Maverick and gave him a knife

After which he confronted the menace,

There was a gratuitous explosion…

Thus endeth the big bad guy’s life.

Somewhere in there’s a Bugatti

And a shirtless training montage.

You might think this doesn’t make sense,

Thus explosions and décolletage.

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If The Beatles Were Japanese

Kaiju… Don’t make it mad.

It takes a city and makes it flatter.

Remember to shoot it straight in the heart.

Then you can start to stem the slaughter.

Kaiju… Best be afraid.

Though it’s filmed in low resolution

The minute its scales start to glow white

You know a fight’s the best solution.

And any time it feels pain, Kaiju eats planes.

It’s teeth are big and blunt like boulders.

And know you know how far Kaiju can fling poor you

Whenever his primal temper smolders.

Raarrrraaaarraarrr rar rar rar raaaar…

Rar rar rar raaaaaaarrrrrr… Kaiju.

Mitsu, don’t let me down.

You’re for some reason a robot pilot.

Remember to punch it right in the heart

So school-kids can start to sing together. (For whatever reason)

So fight it out and knock it down, Kaiju’s renown

Will suffer a bit after your meeting.

Don’t fret, Mitsu, that only you can fight Kaiju

And dish out an asian island beating.

Ha ha ha, ha, ha ha ha… HIYAAA!

Kaiju… he’s going down.

Falls in Tokyo Bay and makes stuff wetter.

The credits are just beginning to roll

But don’t take a stroll… the sequel’s better.

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!

Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju 2!

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What You Do When You Can’t Mock Kwanzaa Via Poetry And Keep Your Job

‘Twas the day after Christmas

And all through my mind

No ideas were stirring

Of the poetic kind.

I stood by the fire

While amidst the tumult

And I pumped out two stanzas,

This being the result.

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