Tag Archives: Poetry

Sorry Salespeople…

No, I don’t want to be famous,

Don’t want to have power or wealth.

I don’t even want to be happy

Or have peace of mind or my health.

I don’t want a house or a garden,

Two kids and a white picket fence.

I’d give up all these and my brainstem

Just to not hear your two-cents!

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It’s Not Easy Being Anakin

Back when we were younger

I saw you on the sand.

I asked “are you an angel?”

Though I wasn’t yet a man.

Then I left my family

And the only home I knew

To be the kind of wizard

Who deserved a queen like you.

My world with you seemed softer,

Not like sand that’s rough and coarse,

Your presence a temptation

Like the dark side of the force.

I wanted an eternal life

With you, my precious star,

But alas instead of in my heart

I looked for it on Mustafar.

There I had an accident

Involving lava splatter.

My foe had the high ground

But I thought it didn’t matter.

As you died in childbirth

We shared one final “Ow!”

Then your boss gave me a suit

And said “You’re Vader now.”

And now I rule the galaxy

With my evil brand of zen

Until I find that special someone

Who calls me daddy once again.

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Thanks State-Funded Early Childhood Education!

I read my child the story

Of a little red poultry whom

I respect, thus its female genitalia

Did not cause me its gender to assume.

My child looked up and said “Parent,

“I like when you do funny voices

“But why can’t we read about princesses

“Then make our own damn political choices?”

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The Pleasures Of Discomfort

Today I stood out in the rain

And didn’t wear my hood.

It was frigid and soggy, yes,

But still felt pretty good.

I stood and looked at nothing much

And let the boredom grow

And those tiny discomforts helped

Much more than you can know.

I talked to her at a bus stop

And watched her walk away.

I’m stronger from the fire, now

A pot instead of clay.

And as I walk home in a pair

Of shoes devoid of style

Empty pockets will warm my hands.

My whole being is a smile.

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This Poem Doesn’t Rhyme But My English Professor Still Hated It

I think a good name for a dog

Is “Help”

Because when you call after it

Other people look at you

And some of those lookers

Are rich and/or sexy

And enjoy the company

Of cheekily named dogs

And their owners…

Just sayin’.

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The Solvers and The Havers

Most men enjoy solving problems;

It gives them a meaningful life.

Alas, this is not something wanted

By most men’s eventual wife.

A man will fix up an auto,

A house, a business, a toy,

But it’s not solving problems but having them

That I’ve noticed most women enjoy.

A woman takes pleasure in saying

“I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m gross,”

Because other women say “me too”

And by such connection grow close.

If a man tells another “I’m hungry”

Another will say “have a snack”

And the problem is solved with five words

And the men to their task may go back.

Now the trouble occurs when the solvers

Treat problem-lovers the same:

A woman says “I’m bored,” and the man

Says “go play a video game.”

Now if the woman obeys him

She’ll prob’ly no longer be bored

And thus need another discomfort

Until her drama-quota’s restored,

So the man has given a solution

Which really won’t help her a bit

So she says “you don’t understand me!”

And runs off and calls him a git.

The man is confused by her answer

But has a solution to that:

He says to himself “bitch be crazy”

And then changes the sink in his flat.

So men, if you want to help women

Be happy then here’s what to do:

Have lots of flaws in your character

So she’ll always have drama with you.

And women, you know how to please a man

And don’t need advising from me,

But (as a man I must say this)

Without drama how happy you’ll be!

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The Absolutely True Diary of a Trans-Whale

I’ve always admired blue whales,

The largest animals ever

Who traverse the world routinely

And are beautiful, noble, and clever.

And so I became a blue whale

But a good choice, alas, ’tis not been.

I’m surrounded by feminist bloggers

Who just wish they could grow baleen.

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