Flour Power

All-purpose is white.

Whole wheat is gray.

I misspelled “flower”

But kept writing anyway.

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Because I’m An A**hole, And Also I Just Saved You Six Hours of Movies

If I got a degree in nursin’

And saw a patient starting to worsen

I’d say “Hey man, you’re dead

“And Rosebud is a sled

“And you and Tyler are the same person.”

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On Trees That Fall Where No One Can Hear Them

If in the glade that no one hears

There falls a silent tree

One asks oneself: Would a hipster

Try to buy the tree’s CD?

Given the same scenario

Of the silent fallen tree

How long would they call it racist

On MSNBC?

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The North and the South

If you’re the type of fancy guy

Who calls pink things “magenta”

Then I can cook you up a bowl

Of “Fancy-Guy Polenta.”

But if you’re the type of guy

Who shoots and drinks and spits

I’ll fry it up for half the price

And call it “Good Ol’ Grits.”

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When You Think “That Would Rhyme Well,” Realize You Were Wrong, And Don’t Fix It

There once was a man named Jared Russ

Who was fond of munching canned asparagus.

He ate it all the time

But for lack of a rhyme

Often said things were Ceteris Parabus.

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Things No One Has Ever Said In The History Of Everything

“My wife needs more pillows.”

“That mullet looks great!”

“Soccer’s exciting.”

“The world needs more hate.”

“Pink armpit hair’s hot.”

“I got a job with my arts degree.”

“I wish that I had gotten caught.”

“I really, super don’t have to pee.”

“I really hate inner tubes.”

“That was a great United flight.”

“She’d look better with smaller boobs.”

“The valedictorian’s getting laid tonight!”

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And Why Hasn’t Japan Followed Suit?

Sometimes I watch the Stars and Stripes,

The symbol of American rule of law

And wonder who first thought “Hey!

“That would look good as a bra!”

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