I think Italians
Must have problems with their kids
Jumping off bridges
Equity
There once was an academic class
That everyone would always pass,
So students did no work
And got A’s as a perk
And that’s why the job market’s ass.
Filed under Poems
Wait… Did You Ask Why The End Of The Lines Don’t Rhyme? *Prepares Taser*
Too many monkeys jumping on the bed.
One fell off and cracked his head.
His mama called the doctor and the doctor said
“What kinda Planet of the Apes shit is going down at your house, monkey mama?!”
Lots of police men knocking at the door.
The doctor asks “what is this for?”
Police say, “violent language towards Simian-Americans. What’s more
“We’re revoking your medical license and giving you life without parole.”
Filed under Poems
Artistry Vs. Imagery
Whoever invented the word “grotesque”
Deserves a raise. Alas
That went to the guy who named
The muddy brown parts of Earth “Morass”.
Filed under Poems
The Rest Of This Poem Has Been Redacted For My Safety
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Why did Humpty Dumpty fall?
I am the mirror that sees all
And sometimes when the Clintons call…
Filed under Poems
All Milk Is Creates Equal
Think now of the vegans
And all of their ilk
Who don’t consume dairy
Like ice cream or milk
But feel no guilt
Drinking milk of the oat
Or the almond or cashew
Or soy. They emote:
“We’re saving the animals”
While the little nut babies
Must drink formula
That may just give them rabies.
So when the nuts come
And they kick down your door
And they eat your begonias
And poop on your floor
Go thank a vegan,
Those shortsighted folks
Who steal milk from young produce
And also hate jokes.
Filed under Poems
For Your Convenience
So people forget their passwords a lot
And resetting them takes like a minute
So what if we made up another method
To help people quickly sign in it?
Maybe an app that gives you a number
That triggers a text to your phones
That lets you insert a DNA sample
So we can make an army of clones
And then once we’ve checked your identity
We’ll send a reset link to your email;
Just log in, click the link, and decipher
The “are you a robot?” riddle written in braille.
Filed under Poems
Maker Of EVERYTHING?
God is perfect, but
Counterpoint: Cilantro though…
I doth rest my case.
Filed under Poems
Not All Similes Are Created Equal
Life is like an avocado
In the metaphorical sense that it’s
Kinda bumpy on the surface
And, if you go deep, it’s the pits,
It’s got a bunch of healthy fat
And more phosphorous than you’d expect
And probably lots of other dots
ThatI’ve yet to connect.
Filed under Poems
My Wife’s Blackberry Crisp
My wife made a dish today
With blackberries and stuff.
She put in lots of butter and sugar
And if that were not enough
She popped in some spices
And topped it with oats
And measured absolutely nothing
And said “Is that good? Totes!“
Turns out when tou stick things
That taste food together
And bake them a while
And don’t even measure
It ends up delicious
And super-dupes yummy
And now it’s all gone
And expanded my tummy.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 