If you were a chocolate
I’d eat you in one bite,
A gulp of sweet deliciousness
To fill me with delight.
If you were a pizza pie
I’d cut you into pieces
And share a sweet and savory slice
With all my friends and nieces.
If you were a salad
I’d slather you in sauce
And other eaters might think I’m boring
But, honestly, their loss.
And if you were asparagus,
Disgusting as that may be,
I’d eat with minimal complaint
And, later, enjoy a stinky pee.
Filed under Poems
The birds from Seattle came back
And stopped the refs’ biased attack.
Forty-three mil a year?
Naw, get out of here!
Are our sea birds back on track?
Filed under Poems
Sixteen bucks to park?
Nope! We’ll drop you off, honey.
Call us when you’re done.
Filed under Poems
Some people hold heavy burdens
Like life and death decisions,
Billion-dollar investments,
And performing circumcisions.
Other people make choices
Like pooping now or waiting ‘til home,
Which player to start on their fantasy team,
Or which hat color’s best for a gnome.
Both of these groups feel pressure
And both stresses are equally true
But if you’re in the second group, here:
It’s wait, Josh Allen, and blue.
Filed under Poems
There once was a guy in a mask
Who had the unenviable task
To violence a villain
To stop them from killin’
And, for money, he thought not to ask.
This guy had a sequel as well
Where things went poorly for a spell.
He lost all his powers
‘’Til the darkest of hours
Before giving a new bad guy hell.
There then was a third movie too
‘Cause execs want more money from you.
What happened? Who knows!
Now let’s make streaming shows
And then reboot the franchise anew!
Filed under Poems
Fermented apple juice is cider;
Fermented grape juice is wine;
Fermented grapefruit juice is not a thing
And that is absolutely fine!
Filed under Poems
There once was a golden age
When affording things was all the rage.
With an outlook so sunny
We printed more money
And cranked up the minimum wage…
Filed under Poems
My wife bakes good things.
Also, she adores fat men.
I am perfect. Yay!
Filed under Poems
Somewhere in Nigeria
A prince will die alone
With no one to give his money to
‘Cause you didn’t pick up your phone.
Elsewhere in Nigeria
A different prince will smile
Because the first prince was kind of a dick
And he had it coming for a while.
Filed under Poems
