I’ve worked really hard
To limit my wordiness.
Modern Mathematical Concepts
We used to joke about word problems
Like “If Joe has 16 melons
“And he puts them in a room with radius pi
“What demographic becomes felons?”
Now we have word problems
Like “You have a one-dollar bill.
“How many dollars do you have
“If you do nothing and stand still?”
Despite the simplification
Of out mathematical riddles
We have fewer correct answers
And more restless thumb twiddles.
(In case you’re feeling curious
The answers are “transeuntes”
And, thanks to hyperinflation,
Somewhere around sixty-eight cents)
Filed under Poems
But We’re All Focused On Laser Guns Instead…
The whole Harry Potter idea
Where everyone owns an owl
Might not be super practical
But it would wipe away my scowl.
Filed under Poems
The Best Possible Outcome
So we’re down three to one
With half an hour to play.
Let’s kick the ball to each other
And do nothing, okay?
Wait, you think we should try
To score after all?
With that attitude
Just give Belgium the ball!
Oh wait, you complied
And the score’s four to one?
Well done team! Now America
Can watch sports that are fun!
Filed under Poems
Fire Red, Black Version
What is up my future trainer?
You see my name is Oak.
I’m a Pokémon professor
And that’s no Poké-joke.
I forgot my grandson’s name
And I’m uncertain of your gender
So take this fire-breathing cutie
And go on a Poké-bender.
Before you leave my lab
You and what’s-his-name will fight.
So you don’t know what to do?
That’s the tutorial all right!
Now go deliver this parcel
To the Viridian guy
And tell your mama that you’re leaving
‘Cause you’ll probably Poké-die.
Wait, you made it? You’re amazing!
That must take Pokéballs.
Keep your lizard you wizard
And depart from these walls.
You better go get eight badges
From the Pokémon gyms
And also stop the Poké-mafia
And keep all your limbs.
And if you make it to the end
With all your cuties leveled up
I’ll take a break from your mama
To come and tell you what’s up
Which is that you are the champion
And not what’s his name
So watch some unskippable credits
And join the Poké-Hall-of-Fame.
Then go back to your family
And play on your NES.
Wait, you want some more adventure?
Well who’da Poké-guessed?
Don’t worry little trainer
(Still can’t tell if you’re a girl)
‘Cause we’ve got thirty years of games
For you to give a Poliwhirl.
Not sure what Poliwhirl is?
Don’t feel bad.
In the early days we weren’t sure
The power Pikachu had
So we made a hundred-fifty
Little monsters to enslave
And told you to catch ‘em all
But only gave you one save
So to really win this challenge
You’re gonna have to go out
And sell your friends another game;
That’s what we’re Poké-about!
Are you laughing? Is that crying?
No, that wasn’t a joke.
Now go bring me a Mewtwo
Or I’ll give your mom my Oak.
Filed under Poems
Do PSAs, Not PS5s
If I had a dollar
For every time the mainstream media
Said something nice about white people
I’d have zero dollars
Which is still more than the WNBA
Has earned in all of history.
Filed under Poems
No Flames On The Sides Either…
Tesla cars are probably great
But I think they missed so much
When the paint did not make lightning
That’s responsive to your touch.
Sure, you’re environmentally friendly
Because you don’t need engine oil
But I’ll stick with my old gas car
And my badass Tesla Coil.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 