Sixteen bucks to park?
Nope! We’ll drop you off, honey.
Call us when you’re done.
80/20 Stress Reduction
Some people hold heavy burdens
Like life and death decisions,
Billion-dollar investments,
And performing circumcisions.
Other people make choices
Like pooping now or waiting ‘til home,
Which player to start on their fantasy team,
Or which hat color’s best for a gnome.
Both of these groups feel pressure
And both stresses are equally true
But if you’re in the second group, here:
It’s wait, Josh Allen, and blue.
Filed under Poems
A Marvel-ous Pattern
There once was a guy in a mask
Who had the unenviable task
To violence a villain
To stop them from killin’
And, for money, he thought not to ask.
This guy had a sequel as well
Where things went poorly for a spell.
He lost all his powers
‘’Til the darkest of hours
Before giving a new bad guy hell.
There then was a third movie too
‘Cause execs want more money from you.
What happened? Who knows!
Now let’s make streaming shows
And then reboot the franchise anew!
Filed under Poems
When You’re Already Bitter
Fermented apple juice is cider;
Fermented grape juice is wine;
Fermented grapefruit juice is not a thing
And that is absolutely fine!
Filed under Poems
This Limerick Brought To You By Quantitative Easing
There once was a golden age
When affording things was all the rage.
With an outlook so sunny
We printed more money
And cranked up the minimum wage…
Filed under Poems
I Was Supposed To Write Nice Things About Her, But…
My wife bakes good things.
Also, she adores fat men.
I am perfect. Yay!
Filed under Poems
Does The Word “Besmirching” Mean Anything To You?
Somewhere in Nigeria
A prince will die alone
With no one to give his money to
‘Cause you didn’t pick up your phone.
Elsewhere in Nigeria
A different prince will smile
Because the first prince was kind of a dick
And he had it coming for a while.
Filed under Poems
Blessed Silence Indeed
Silence of the Lambs
Is a favorite movie of
Many parent sheep
Filed under Poems
Rainbow Road
If the girl next to you had a penis
And you are a girl who did not
Both of you should consider
Whether this is, for you, a good spot.
Filed under Poems
Adjusted For Inflation
They’re remaking Monopoly
For 2026.
You start with $100k in debt
And a subscription to Netflix.
The game doesn’t last very long
‘Cause you can’t afford the rent
And instead of shoes and thimbles
You play as a bench, old car, or tent.
When you pass go you’re given
$1,000 bucks for free
But by the time you spend it
It’s worth $903.
Nobody enjoys it
But you’re mandated to play.
I’ve got a set all set up now
So prepare to be not ok!
Filed under Poems
