How To Gracefully Excuse Yourself From A Social Event

If you are called at host’s behest

To play the role of honored guest

And feel perhaps a little stressed

Then heed this wisdom I think best:

First, if you need not prevent

Your presence at the said event

Then notice how your time is spent

And be amazed how fast it went,

But if instead you wish to flee

You’re wise indeed to contact me

For ’tis amazing what you’ll see

If you, for just a moment, pee.

If urination’s not your style

Another way to leave a while

Is to enter, wave, and smile

And call out as a greeting, “Heil!”

If these two tips do not work out

Don’t underestimate a pout,

For dourness beyond a doubt

Is a fair way to thumb one’s snout.

Urine, Nazi, or be sullen:

All are safe ways to be cullen,

So brand yourself ein angsty creep

And thou shall glow from longer sleep!

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Sometime In The 1800’s Maybe?

Once upon a time

A guy tried something new

For no reason besides

To see what stuff would do.

Afterwards he used

What he found as an appliance

And thus was born the toaster

And, with it, modern science.

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Why Amazon Makes Billions A Day

Sam was 28 years old,

Had never seen the sun,

Had never eaten chocolate,

Never had any fun,

Had never hugged a puppy

And got stung by a bee

And he’s telling the cashier about it

Right in front of me…

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Last Save: 7:59 Am -Pompeii, 79 AD…

This is the point in history

Where things aren’t going well,

But you aren’t very worried yet

Because you know a spell

That opens up a menu

Where you reload your latest save

And go back to start on easy mode

Instead of to your grave.

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Researching Self-Control

If I had a potato chip

For every theory that made sense

I’d have a much larger stomach

And not a lot of evidence…

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Car of Man, Car of Poet

He’s got a triple-axle

Turbo-powered 4×4

With a 12-liter v-20

And a carbon-fiber door.

It goes zero-to-sixty

In 1.72

And has a TV in the hood,

But me… My car is blue!

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Lucky for Me… I’m a 3!

She was meretricious

And he was five-foot-two

And yet somehow between them

Amorous feelings grew.

He thought she was a goddess

And she thought he was funny.

So go the lives of 4’s and 5’s

When they have boobs or money.

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The Case Against Hell

Were there an inventor,

Perhaps of a car,

And it found its vehicle flawed

I’d think that the fault

Was not with the car

But with it’s creator, Car God.

And if Car God said,

“You dumb stupid lemon,

“Made flawed because I wasn’t clever,

“Instead of repairing,

“Refining, retrying,

I think I’ll just burn you forever…”

If that were the case,

I’d want a new God

For fear that I might somehow fail.

But our God is better:

Our God is forgiving

For he made, but has not burned, kale.

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But Hockey? There’s A Great Sport!

Soccer’s like “The Notebook:”

I’ve never watched for more than a minute,

I consider it nap-time

And don’t like anyone in it.

Soccer and I

Are also much alike

In that no one ever scores

And the entertainment it creates has unsatisfying conclusions.

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Insurance Be Like…

I called Permanente Kaiser

‘Cause I had pain in my incisor.

What they said seemed rather ruthless:

“Pay up or you’ll soon be toothless.”

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