Some people called us savages
For throwing tourists into volcanos,
Cannibalizing other tribes,
And praying to tornados.
Others called it “Indigenous culture”
Or “Mysticalism to savor.”
Now we throw those others in volcanos
To do the world a favor.
The Winds (And Brass) Of Change
The Devil came back from Georgia
Having lost a fiddle battle
And decided to get his fit revenge
By giving humanity the paddle.
Still inspired by his suffering
He made child development writers
Into his own special breed
Of human happiness fighters.
In this case he inspired them
To decree that all children
From two-years-old should learn
To play the violin,
That all of them, talent or not,
Should learn of Mary’s little lamb
And whether or not they played it well
He didn’t give a damn.
And that’s how orchestras were made
Just as the Devil planned.
This story brought to you by a guy
Who plays in a concert band.
Filed under Poems
One Minute Before Murder
*Beeps*
Finds chair
Stands on chair
Falls of the chair
Gets back up again
Pries alarm off the wall
Puts new batteries in it
Replaces the smoke detector
Returns to bed at 3:00 AM
*Beeps*
Filed under Poems
I Present: The “Dumb Scientist” Paradox
I am very dense.
If I were an element
I’d be Osmium.
Filed under Poems
And Thus, Potholes (They’ll Never See The Punchline Coming)
We have plenty of handicapped parking
And ramps for the wheelchair-bound.
We have moving electronic messages
For people who cannot hear sound
So I think our next great endeavor
To protect our beloved blind folks
Is to cover all sidewalks and roadways
With laugh-out-loud braille jokes.
Filed under Poems
You Know A Guy…
No one will ever be recognized
For an honor they rightfully earned;
There’s a record that this person holds
For which they might be spurned,
Mocked, even berated,
But no one will know that they can.
This honor is the dubious record
For the world’s most forgettable man.
The books won’t remember his nothing.
The films won’t remember his lame.
His funeral will be unattended
For none will remember his name.
Maybe he’s already out there,
Anonymous, without a clue,
But if you keep just reading that Powerpoint
That person may just yet be you.
Filed under Poems
Country Music
I like guns and I like trucks
And I like hunting ten-point bucks
But I don’t like moonshine or beer
So I’ll stop your banjo solo here.
Filed under Poems
Down With That?
Sexy pillow fights
Probably aren’t as fun to watch
If you are a goose.
Filed under Poems
It Sounds Latin, So That’s A Bonus
If you purchased a domain name
And nobody impeded it
You could sell it for a fortune
To a company who needed it.
Just think of things like X.com
MySpace, Roflol, or MAGA;
If you owned any of those sites
You could earn a big old bagga
Cash. So I propose to you
The greatest oversight
That could make you a millionaire
Potentially overnight:
There is a thriving industry
For the friend of Harry and Tom…
I suggest someone should purchase
DickusEnlargicus.com
Filed under Poems
The Best Medicine
Moreso than drugs or heart disease,
Moreso than any tumor,
Most tragedies in life are caused
By lacking a sense of humor.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 