They made the very first anime
Back in 1963.
Since then it’s been a mainstay
Of international TV.
They have animes about everything
From kitties to killers, but still
No one’s made one with Japanese barbers
And I’m starting to think no one will…
Filed under Poems
People will say “Jesus Christ”
“God Damn” and “Heaven Forbid.”
Meanwhile, there’s just some bull out there
Who’s wondering what he did…
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Living in the Arctic
Isn’t easy, so I’m told;
It’s devoid of food and shelter
And interminably cold.
But worse than frigid weather
Or starvation you should know
Is that even on the warmest days
The wi-fi’s always slow.
Filed under Poems
We used to joke about word problems
Like “If Joe has 16 melons
“And he puts them in a room with radius pi
“What demographic becomes felons?”
Now we have word problems
Like “You have a one-dollar bill.
“How many dollars do you have
“If you do nothing and stand still?”
Despite the simplification
Of out mathematical riddles
We have fewer correct answers
And more restless thumb twiddles.
(In case you’re feeling curious
The answers are “transeuntes”
And, thanks to hyperinflation,
Somewhere around sixty-eight cents)
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The whole Harry Potter idea
Where everyone owns an owl
Might not be super practical
But it would wipe away my scowl.
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So we’re down three to one
With half an hour to play.
Let’s kick the ball to each other
And do nothing, okay?
Wait, you think we should try
To score after all?
With that attitude
Just give Belgium the ball!
Oh wait, you complied
And the score’s four to one?
Well done team! Now America
Can watch sports that are fun!
Filed under Poems
What is up my future trainer?
You see my name is Oak.
I’m a Pokémon professor
And that’s no Poké-joke.
I forgot my grandson’s name
And I’m uncertain of your gender
So take this fire-breathing cutie
And go on a Poké-bender.
Before you leave my lab
You and what’s-his-name will fight.
So you don’t know what to do?
That’s the tutorial all right!
Now go deliver this parcel
To the Viridian guy
And tell your mama that you’re leaving
‘Cause you’ll probably Poké-die.
Wait, you made it? You’re amazing!
That must take Pokéballs.
Keep your lizard you wizard
And depart from these walls.
You better go get eight badges
From the Pokémon gyms
And also stop the Poké-mafia
And keep all your limbs.
And if you make it to the end
With all your cuties leveled up
I’ll take a break from your mama
To come and tell you what’s up
Which is that you are the champion
And not what’s his name
So watch some unskippable credits
And join the Poké-Hall-of-Fame.
Then go back to your family
And play on your NES.
Wait, you want some more adventure?
Well who’da Poké-guessed?
Don’t worry little trainer
(Still can’t tell if you’re a girl)
‘Cause we’ve got thirty years of games
For you to give a Poliwhirl.
Not sure what Poliwhirl is?
Don’t feel bad.
In the early days we weren’t sure
The power Pikachu had
So we made a hundred-fifty
Little monsters to enslave
And told you to catch ‘em all
But only gave you one save
So to really win this challenge
You’re gonna have to go out
And sell your friends another game;
That’s what we’re Poké-about!
Are you laughing? Is that crying?
No, that wasn’t a joke.
Now go bring me a Mewtwo
Or I’ll give your mom my Oak.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 