One Thing Most Of You Will Never Have To Worry About

If you’re ever taking a walk

And you’re an amateur mime named Jean-Jacques

You’d be an unlucky bloke

If you had a stroke

But oh, how the viewers would talk!

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Yet More Biblical Scholarship

When Jesus was a baby,

Two or three years maybe,

He probably had a phase of asking “why?”

“Why was I born a Jew?”

“Why’re the sky and water blue?”

“Why don’t wise men ever bring me pie?”

And I’m inspired by Mary,

As her baby she did carry

For It must take considerable skill

To look at Baby God

With a motherly sort of nod

And answer him “Because it is your will.”

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Genesis

God made twelve hours of light and dark

In an alternating way

Then sat a while

And with a smile

Decided to call it a day.

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Dear [Insert Any WNBA Team Here, If You Can]

I think that women’s basketball

And the WNBA

Deserve credit for helping

So many girls admit they’re gay.

But when they start demanding

More fair and equal pays

It behooves them to remember

That you can’t have both these days.

See, the typical NBA guy

Eats 2,000 pounds per day

Is 12 feet tall and has a trunk

And their skin is tough and gray.

The typical WNBA-er

Is about the same, you see

Except no one will pay to see her

‘Cause she’s only five-foot-three.

At one game we ask “do you think

“Shaquille can dunk on Mike?”

At the other game we wonder

“You think that one’s not a dyke?”

But if you score a hundred points

In every single game

And hire a player anyone

Would recognize by name

And sell out any contest

Then we’ll pay you like Jeff Teague.

Until you do, just be content

That you still have a league.

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Nothing Says “Please Don’t Hit Me With The Cleaver Again” Like Flowers

My neighbor has a rose garden

That he’s tended all his life

Which really makes you wonder:

Just how angry is his wife?

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St. Patty’s Day

Today we drink and wear green clothes

And that’s just about it.

I hope I’ve helped to illustrate

Why this holiday is shit.

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Board Games In Baltimore

We sat down to play

The latest version of Clue,

Read through the rulebook

To check what was new,

Saw a new character

Named “Mr. Not-White”

And we shouted “Case closed”

And called it a night.

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