It’s “Queeva,” Actually…

A young Irish man in his prime

Loved a lassie who gave him a lime.

He said, “Darling Caoimhe,

“I’ll never leave ya.”

And yes, that does actually rhyme.

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Quotidian Composition Vitiates…

People say that grammar

Doesn’t matter any more,

That vocabulary’s useless

And english is a bore.

What they do not realize

Is that the word you tried

Might turn a social program

Into massive genocide.

Take this proposition:

“Our mayor, Jim Metcalf

“Will, by 2025

“Cut homelessness in half.”

What a lovely world we’d have

And what a peaceful street

If Mayor Metcalf’s plan above

Was ever made complete!

Alas, the words they wrote instead

Were, “Mayor Jim Metcalf

“Will, within the next five years,

“Cut homeless people in half.”

To some, there’s nothing different.

To some, this sounds just fine

Until you realize just how

The Mayor crossed a line

Because the homeless person

Who was once in Bradley Square

Now has his legs on Main Street

But his torso’s over there!

Stop the death and carnage

And salute the grammar nerds,

For only you can save a life

By choosing proper words.

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For the rest of you… this is funny because it divides readers into subgroups, then introduces a joke unlikely to be funny to the majority of readers, thereby enhancing the humorous subtext for the small minority of readers who, as the first line implies, appreciate brevity (You’re welcome)

To those who value brevity:

Enjoy ironic levity.

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Space Travel and the Perils of Mobile Gaming

In yonder black beyond the sky

Where only stars call home

We set the scene for what’s to come

To those who in it roam:

Ten passengers, a crew do make

Of the mighty spaceship, Skeld.

‘Tis on this craft a tale of woe

For you, tonight, is held.

Each crewmate dons a colored suit,

Of yellow, orange, cyan,

Pink, lime, red, black, blue, or green

Else white, violet, or tan.

‘Tween seven and nine are loyal crew

While one to three impostors stalk;

The majority have tasks to do,

Whilst among them evil walks.

Some may vouch for one another

If a task completed be,

While other times they may accuse

One whom with a corpse they see.

The corpse in question comes of course

From the impostor’s dubious deeds:

By fist or gun or alien maw

The tainted crew fulfills their needs.

Anyone can call a meeting

When a body’s finally found

And good and evil, roles unknown

Within the cafe gather round.

A choir of “Where?” Is said by all

Until the meeting’s caller may tell

The identity of the fallen mate

And the room in which they fell.

The rainbow spacemen then take turns

Declaring one another “sus,”

Casting blame without a clue…

Such is the game called “Among Us.”

Whoever’s name is called the most

Is thrown into the great beyond.

This repeats until such time

As evil’s purged or good is gone.

Time then, in mysterious ways,

Returns to whence the quest began.

If you want to live this dream

Download the app and soon you can.

But fear not only those who lurk

As black or pink or red or lime…

Fear the monster of this life

Which is the loss of your free time!

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To Paraphrase Schopenhauer…

What is true is first a joke,

A bit to please a crowd.

Next the truth is vilified,

Taboo to speak aloud.

At some point it’s said again

By someone very scared

And he is told “That’s obvious”

As if nobody cared.

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Wear Love Blossoms?

Yew are the tree that sustains me.

U turn the sick to the well.

Ewe are so warm and so fluffy.

I love you although I can’t spell.

You’re poem touched me this evening.

Your the only one I think of now.

Their’s somewhere I know and soon they’re we’ll go

But let’s stick to spoken poems for know.

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The Ends Justify The Memes

Leisurely athlete

With a camera on her head…

Yo, slow GoPro hoe!

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Religious Dilemmas

When a Catholic priest goes bad

And wants a little boy

He calls the kid by asking

“You want to have a toy?”

When a Rabbi gets the urge

To get a boy that way

He says, “You want to have a toy?

“If so, you gotta pay!”

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Adventures With Lucy

Lucy says “Heyy”

As she walks in the door

With a light in her eyes

And her eyes on the floor.

She’s looking for victims

That she can make smile

For she’s also not had

Such a grin for a while.

Lucy’s confused;

She’s alone in the crowd,

Her world always quiet,

Her mind always loud.

She hasn’t found love

In a box on a shelf

But she’s never been told

To bring joy to herself,

And so she goes hunting

A surrogate soul

And she uses her vigor

To make her prey whole,

To make someone laugh

And to make a face gleam

Like the paint on her visage

She hopes makes her seem.

Some think her a clown;

Some think her a doll.

What she fears is being

Not thought of at all,

To be seen as convenient,

Someone’s future “his.”

She fears being seen as

What she fears she is.

She’s found her next target!

She gives them her charm

With a flower in her hair

And the game on her arm,

One of the next many

Whose lives she will brighten,

Whose fears she’ll erase

And whose burdens she’ll lighten.

Someday she’ll look up

And she’ll see the sun set

And her mind will be calm

And her needs will be met;

She’ll live as she dreams

When she comes to someday.

Until then she’ll walk in

And tell someone, “Heyy.”

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Happy Prime Day (Or My Sense Of Humor When I Stay Up Too Late)

In 36 minutes

The world goes on sale

And you can buy with a click

A big TV

Or game machine

Or even a bigger… machine.

You can spend

With a plastic card

From a company that travels to Venus

But you’ll still seek

A solution to

Your very tiny… bank account.

I didn’t mean

For this poem to be

This amount of long,

But then I thought

Of way too many

Things that rhyme with… ya know?

And so I end

With a big salute

To anyone named Morgan

And wish you

Happy Prime Day

And a poetic male organ.

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