If
You
Plan
Ahead, you
Can make anything
Look like a graph that
Extends dramatically at the end of the line.
Stats
Lie.
When You Say “Jesus, Take The Wheel”, Consider The Consequences
So I invented a nifty new thing
That’s a circular mobility aid.
I call it a “wheel”, and if we’re for real
It’s the best thing anyone’s ever made.
As I was showing it off today
This dude with a halo came by
And just picked it up, put his blood in a cup,
And vamoosed. Now I’m stuck asking why.
Filed under Poems
Let It Be
A woman asking for advice
Is like a cat exposing its belly:
You can do what you think is nice
But it’s going to end up really yelly.
Filed under Poems
The Introvert Finds An Exception To The Rule
Guys, I learned something!
When you have plans for fun things
Cancelling feels bad.
Filed under Poems
Making The Most Of Modern Trends
Meet a girl who buys you chocolate,
Gets you flowers, buys dessert.
Just be aware that girls like that
May have once been your friend, Bert.
Filed under Poems
Gateway Drugs
One cat is a pet.
Two cats can be dear.
Three cats are a warning sign
That menopause is near.
Four cats are a danger
And five cats scream a warning.
That said, my wife thinks 6+ cats
Just make for a snuggly morning.
Filed under Poems
Secrets From Da Biz
Play a little bit wrong
With a lottle bit of style
And the people gonna clap
And the judges gonna smile.
But if you play it perfectly
And accurately articulate
I hoping you enjoy standing
By the phone, where you’ll forever wait.
Filed under Poems
Inflation?
When a man loves a woman
It is undeniable that
He’ll either be rejected
Or get married and get fat.
When a woman loves a man
She will inevitably feel
As if she’s also gotten fat
(Or is it that dress? What an ordeal!)
I’m not aware of patterns
In the non-binarily inclined
But if they also get fatter
They do not seem to mind.
So, while Ozempic is an option
If weight loss is your course,
I might also reccomend
The non-prescription choice: Divorce.
Filed under Poems
Oregon Agriculture
A cattle ranch was neighbors
With a marijuana farm.
They thought the two could coexist
And not cause any harm.
Now the cows are singing Green Day songs
And I can’t tell a lie:
I never dreamed proximity
Could make the steaks so high.
Filed under Poems
Untitled Goose Poem
You’re always here.
You’re always loud.
“I am a goose”
You shriek, so proud.
You’ll never leave.
Your song won’t cease.
For certainty
I thank you, geese.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 