Sometimes I ask myself
“Is talking to myself weird?”
Then some guy next to me says
“Yes”
And my internal monologue and I
Make knowing eye contact
And just walk away from Mr-All-About-Me.
Travel Blogger Problems, Kansas Style
Somewhere over the rainbow
There’s a plane
Where travelers are complaining
About chronic back pain.
Right there, over the rainbow,
I’m in hell
Wishing I’d had the foresight
To pack a liquid or gel
For with such non-solid things I
Could maybe make a boom device
And make this plane fall from the sky
And yes oh yes would that be nice…
Six months later, under the rainbow,
TSA
Brings me in for “additional screening”
And I recall this day.
Filed under Poems
Change My Mind: Not All Cultures Are Created Equal
Some people called us savages
For throwing tourists into volcanos,
Cannibalizing other tribes,
And praying to tornados.
Others called it “Indigenous culture”
Or “Mysticalism to savor.”
Now we throw those others in volcanos
To do the world a favor.
Filed under Poems
The Winds (And Brass) Of Change
The Devil came back from Georgia
Having lost a fiddle battle
And decided to get his fit revenge
By giving humanity the paddle.
Still inspired by his suffering
He made child development writers
Into his own special breed
Of human happiness fighters.
In this case he inspired them
To decree that all children
From two-years-old should learn
To play the violin,
That all of them, talent or not,
Should learn of Mary’s little lamb
And whether or not they played it well
He didn’t give a damn.
And that’s how orchestras were made
Just as the Devil planned.
This story brought to you by a guy
Who plays in a concert band.
Filed under Poems
One Minute Before Murder
*Beeps*
Finds chair
Stands on chair
Falls of the chair
Gets back up again
Pries alarm off the wall
Puts new batteries in it
Replaces the smoke detector
Returns to bed at 3:00 AM
*Beeps*
Filed under Poems
I Present: The “Dumb Scientist” Paradox
I am very dense.
If I were an element
I’d be Osmium.
Filed under Poems
And Thus, Potholes (They’ll Never See The Punchline Coming)
We have plenty of handicapped parking
And ramps for the wheelchair-bound.
We have moving electronic messages
For people who cannot hear sound
So I think our next great endeavor
To protect our beloved blind folks
Is to cover all sidewalks and roadways
With laugh-out-loud braille jokes.
Filed under Poems
You Know A Guy…
No one will ever be recognized
For an honor they rightfully earned;
There’s a record that this person holds
For which they might be spurned,
Mocked, even berated,
But no one will know that they can.
This honor is the dubious record
For the world’s most forgettable man.
The books won’t remember his nothing.
The films won’t remember his lame.
His funeral will be unattended
For none will remember his name.
Maybe he’s already out there,
Anonymous, without a clue,
But if you keep just reading that Powerpoint
That person may just yet be you.
Filed under Poems
Country Music
I like guns and I like trucks
And I like hunting ten-point bucks
But I don’t like moonshine or beer
So I’ll stop your banjo solo here.
Filed under Poems
Down With That?
Sexy pillow fights
Probably aren’t as fun to watch
If you are a goose.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 