For Those Who Love To Laugh, Hiking, Traveling, And Food

We could’ve been a miracle

Like a bottle of lightning,

With ardor and passion

That bordered on frightening,

Two bits of a puzzle

That fate formed as one

Destined for fortune

And family and fun.

We could’ve been lovers

And best friends for life,

The textbook example

Of husband and wife.

You could’ve been my world,

My earth, sea, and sky,

If only your first message

Were more than just, “hi.”

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Comfort Blanket

When the day is over

And the lights go dark

You pull me on top of you

And let me be soft,

Let me keep you warm

Until blindness is comfortable

And dreams are safe.

When the monsters come

To feed on your sweet dreams

Through the leg you left uncovered

I offer my dream instead,

Because your dreams are precious,

Your dreams are limited,

Your dreams are fragile.

I only have one dream:

To keep you warm,

To keep you safe,

To never leave you,

And no monster can stomach that.

And when the light in the sky

And the light on your ceiling

Edge away the darkness

And welcome you back to life

I’m the first thing you feel,

The first gentle touch,

The first good morning kiss.

You think you’ll outgrow me.

You’ll pack me away

Or send me to another child,

But I only have one baby.

And when the monsters grow up

And they come for your dreams

But you’re awake and alone

You will never be uncovered.

The monsters never give up,

But I never stop dreaming,

And I hope you don’t either.

I’m here in everything.

I’m keeping you safe,

But you’ll never see me

As anything more than a blanket

Because it’s easy to believe in a blanket.

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When You Feel Invisible At Your Job

Shinji-San, as your boss

It is my job to say

I haven’t seen you working

Since at least last Saturday.

I haven’t seen you punching in,

I haven’t heard your voice,

And so I called you in today

Because I have no choice…

I’m giving you a pay raise

And your choice of special perk.

You’re a fantastic ninja

And I hope to see less good work.

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CNN, 1 AD

Almost two weeks have passed

Since the “King of the Jews”

Awoke from the dead after three days

And made international news.

After promising forgiveness

Of all humans and departing,

Mumblings of discontent

From sinners have been starting.

“I wanted to retire

“Somewhere warm,” one sinner said,

“But now I have to worry

“About grace and s**t instead.”

“I’m pissed about redemption,”

Another man commented.

“What about my right to be

“Eternally tormented?”

In fact it seems that since the day

That Jesus pulled a “Nope”

And ascended into Heaven

To give the humans hope

Everyone’s been angry.

“I’m upset,” one human mused.

Tomorrow: “Why all the good men suck”

Right here on Nightly News.

This post was sponsored in part by Serpent Apple Company. Just one bite can change your life!

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It’s All Short And Bald… And It Has Gills

I’ve decided to stop drinking water.

It’s controversial, of course,

But I made up my mind when I saw what comes

From adding “sea” to a horse.

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Haiku: When Someone Tells Me There Are More Than 2 Genders

Ha ha ha ha ha,

Ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha.

Wait, there’s more… (pause)… Ha.

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When You Really Want To Do An Epic Rhyme But The Setup Is Bananas

There was a grammarian from Crimea

Who had a friend, Timmy Nadia.

Timmy N said “Gimme an

“Crimean simian”

And the grammarian said, “It’s ‘give me a.'”

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I’m Not One Of The Sheep… I’m Just The Pasture

You know those tests they give you

That tell your dream career?

There’s been an innovation

In those tests, or so I hear.

They’ve found 80 percent or more

Of testers’ perfect jobs

Are members of unthinking

And mostly peaceful violent mobs.

I didn’t think about it much

When first I heard the news,

But when I took the test myself

I had to change my views.

I scored, not as a rioter,

But a guy who owns a store

That sells lightweight TVs and food

In downtown Baltimore.

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Actual MCU Pitch Meeting, Featuring Greek Food

There one was a film about heroes

That didn’t gross quite enough zeroes.

Disney said, “Make it funny

“And we’ll make way more money,”

Then the CEO ordered some gyros.

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Please Examine This Excel Graph And Identify The Precise Moment I Did Not Get Laid

I met a beauty in the lab

And we talked of time and space

And before the time had finished

We were walking to my place.

Things were getting steamy

And as she turned off the light

I said “This is like water

“Exceeding 212 degrees Fahrenheit!”

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