Rolling office chair
Can reach 50 MPH
If you try enough.
How To Deal With An Upset Person
Sometimes people are cranky
Even if you give them a blankey.
If they are, just grab it back
And then go get them a snack.
If a snack and a blankey don’t help
Just say noncommittally, “whelp”,
Then sprinkle a pentagram of salt
Because the devil is probably at fault.
Filed under Poems
Even More Inflation!
So an OnlyFans subscription
Is $20 bucks a week?
And might be even more expensive
For a “creator” at her peak?
Forgive me if I shudder
Because that sounds like lots and lots;
In my day the gold standard was
A penny for your thots.
Filed under Poems
Untold Abe Lincoln Story
They said “Be the change you want to see”
And I was about to imagine bliss
Then you asked, “Penny for your thoughts”
And whoops! I’m stuck like this!
Filed under Poems
But Why?
Some artists create a work
With all their heart and soul,
Transforming blank to beauty,
Making pieces into whole
And then that piece sits waiting
As observers pass it by
And the artist sees them miss it
And his mind just wonders why.
Another artists makes a piece
He knows that he can sell.
He doesn’t mind its content
Or if he can make it well,
But watches as his doodads
Fetch a price he’d call too high
And on his bed of dollar bills
He’s also asking why.
I’m sure a middle artist
Is just making decent bits
To make an honest living
With his fifty-fifty hits
But it seems that feast and famine
Is the rule where art’s concerned
And no one yet can answer why
That’s how the tables turned.
Filed under Poems
Grandpa’s Advice Column
Every problem in the world
Can be solved with one of these:
WD-40, a well-timed bullet,
Or a bag of frozen peas.
Filed under Poems
Keep On Writing
Remember when we wrote things
For other folks to read
That answered all their questions
Or satisfied a need?
And sometimes we would write things
To create a laugh or smile,
To push you through a challenge
And inspire you through a trial.
Now we write for metrics
Like “likes” and “views” and “shares”
And instead of smiles and laughter
We get 100-mile stares.
But if we write the things we like
And refuse to drink
That vile-flavored Kool-Aid
Called “What other people think”
Perhaps we’ll crack a smile
Or persevere ourselves
Until we write a something
That can decorate your shelves.
What Ever Happened To Manners?
Sometimes I ask myself
“Is talking to myself weird?”
Then some guy next to me says
“Yes”
And my internal monologue and I
Make knowing eye contact
And just walk away from Mr-All-About-Me.
Filed under Poems
Travel Blogger Problems, Kansas Style
Somewhere over the rainbow
There’s a plane
Where travelers are complaining
About chronic back pain.
Right there, over the rainbow,
I’m in hell
Wishing I’d had the foresight
To pack a liquid or gel
For with such non-solid things I
Could maybe make a boom device
And make this plane fall from the sky
And yes oh yes would that be nice…
Six months later, under the rainbow,
TSA
Brings me in for “additional screening”
And I recall this day.
Filed under Poems
Change My Mind: Not All Cultures Are Created Equal
Some people called us savages
For throwing tourists into volcanos,
Cannibalizing other tribes,
And praying to tornados.
Others called it “Indigenous culture”
Or “Mysticalism to savor.”
Now we throw those others in volcanos
To do the world a favor.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 