It’s a New Zealand Thing : )

Sometimes, perhaps, you hate your work…

The hours suck, your boss is a jerk,

But one guy who has a job worse than you

Is the weather reporter from Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu.

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Dear Oldest Child:

Sometimes when mommy’s frisky

And dad’s not watching porn

They send you on a playdate

And another kid is born.

This new kid is a baby,

Just a lump of hungry fat

That cries and poops and sleeps a lot

And not much more than that.

Luckily for the species

But not luckily for you

That baby will get bigger

And eventually turn two.

At this point, the parents

Who loved you when you were little

Will downgrade you, unknowingly,

To the meanest second fiddle.

They’ll love all over new kid

Because, sadly, the fact is

As the oldest child you are

The one on which they’ll practice.

You will need to get straight A’s…

New kid will soar on C’s.

You will beg for any love…

New kid will just say “please.”

Yes, this seems unfair to you

But someday you will see

That this kid turns invisible

When mom has baby 3.

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Works Cited: History, Personal Experience

I’ve been thinking lately

About a particular query:

“Does anyone know what’s going on?”

And I’ve finally formed a theory.

Here is that newfound theory

I derived from many factors:

“The ones who seem most confident

“Are dumb, or else good actors.”

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Remember 2009? Good Times!

It’s been 6 months since Trump got out

And despite the recent talks

Of hyperinflation, unemployment,

A border crisis, plunging stocks,

A gas pipeline disaster,

Covid deaths yet unabated,

And all the buildings burnt to ash

By those who “demonstrated”

We can all be thankful

That our country’s back on track.

In other news: Pot charged with hate speech

For calling Kettle black.

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The Sound Of Silence

Imagine for a moment

No one ever spoke again.

You think it would be scary…

Either that or very zen.

The real situation

Is somewhere between the two:

It’s just stomachs imitating

Horny whales saying “Howdy do!”

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Thanks George For Keeping Your Voice At a Reasonable Volume

My roommate eats six jars of peanut butter a month.

His girlfriend does not know what Koolaid is.

I now have proof of how low standards can get

And also of how low the rent I paid is.

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Guest Poem From An Anonymous World Leader

There was a, um, a a a flower?

And it has, you know, plants,

And some are yellow and some are blue

But that doesn’t change that they’re green

On their, um, stalks or stems or something.

And when I smell them

Wait, they said don’t say smelling…

Flowers are green and and and thank you good morning!

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Why The Unicorns Left

She grew up in the forest

And learned to talk to trees

By singing with the birds of prey

And dancing with the bees.

She trained to be a hunter

From the day that she was born.

She dreamt she’d be the first to find

The mythic unicorn.

She found black stallions, powerful,

And pegasus in white,

Beasts that pulled the wagon far

And those who bore a knight.

She found horses of the sea

And horses tame and wild,

And yesterday her dream came true

And found it bright and mild:

The unicorn! Resplendent

In shades of gold and blue,

With a horn that shone like rainbows

And eyes of emerald hue.

She gazed upon the creature

And stroked its noble head

Then noticed it was unemployed

And rode a mule instead.

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Men Made Playthings Because They Weren’t Born With Them

When I win a Nobel prize

For literature someday

And it comes time for me to speak

I know just what I’ll say:

I’ll thank my one Y chromosome,

And the reason that I’m citing

Is if I’d been born with boobs

I’d have never started writing.

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IT 2021

There once was a bug in my code

And my whole computer it slowed,

But I’ve learned from the biz

To just sell it as is

Then charge more for a fast-working mode.

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