Plus The One About Chocolate Slaves Murdering Lottery Winners For Their Zany CEO’s Amusement…

Children’s books today address

Bullying and gender

And how to make vegan, non-fat,

Pastrami in a blender.

Children’s books in my day

Were like “Bears go to the beach,”

And “Here’s a story ’bout some kid

“With an enormous peach.”

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As The Animals Become More Dangerous…

If wishes were horses

The poor would ride.

If wishes were tigers

The poor would hide.

If wishes were wives

The poor would go fishing.

If wishes were were lawyers

I wish we’d quit wishing.

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All Keys Are Equal, But Some Are More Equal Than Others

I asked my mom, the keyboard,

Who her favorite child was.

She said, “I have no favorite

“And the reason is because

“I love all my kids the same.

“They’re all precious to me.”

And everyone believed her

Except the right “SHIFT” key.

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In 2022, Restaurants Will Be Segregated By “Coke Drinkers” and “Pepsi Drinkers” Because #SocialJustice

I use to think that crack cocaine

Was a terrible social ill,

Until the other type of Coke

Reclaimed the top of the hill

By training its employees

That they should be “less white.”

If folks buy crack then c’est la vie

But to buy coca-cola ain’t right.

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When You Can’t Bear A Bare Bear With A Bare Bear Baby

There once was a bear with her cub

At the front of the line at the club.

Neither wore clothing,

And the club started closing

So I pulled out my .38 snub…

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Which of the Following Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

Yet another sign

That our publics schools suck ass:

They have a grading rubric

For a “creative writing” class.

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That’s Almost As Many “Likes” As Teenagers Can Say In One Minute Without Even Trying

I’m 8 “Likes” away from 21,000

In the history of my blog.

My heart is very excited

And my soul is like a dog.

If 8 more people like my crap

I’ll finally achieve my goal

Of getting as many likes as a girl

Who posts dancing pics with a pole.

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What Are Your Other Two Wishes?

“Prove that genies aren’t real!”

Demanded my stepbrother, Buzz.

“The greatest proof genies don’t exist

“Is that single-ply toilet paper still does.”

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How To Get Six-Pack Abs In Five Days (Or Something)

When one has blogged as much as I

One comes to realize

A lot of the view’s one’s blog receives

Come not from human eyes

But from advertising robots

That search for stuff that’s trending

Like Biden, Bitcoin, Keto, Xbox,

And how the world is ending.

Make this go viral… I dare you : )

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Or The Guy Who Watches Him, Or…

If you ever feel bored,

Like you know nothing new,

Just imagine the spy

Who’s whole job’s to watch you.

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