If every building
Had a swing set in the back
We’d have fewer wars
And Up She Rises?
We had a drunken sailor
With whom we knew not what to do
So we performed a survey
Of our entire pirate crew.
Apparently measuring equine foodstuffs
Was more important than feeling scorn
So now we’re all just weighing hay
Early in the morn.
Filed under Poems
And Don’t Get Me Started On Jobs With “to the” In Them
If your job title includes “assistant”
You are expendable.
If someone else has your job title
But they added the word “assistant” to it
You are overpaid.
If neither of these applies to you
Keep up the good work.
Filed under Poems
How Many Fast Food Places, And Yet This Still Doesn’t Exist…
I think we need a cheeseburger
That has cream cheese inside
And a crumbled graham cracker bun
Because cheesecake
And also ‘cause
That sounds delicious and fun.
Filed under Poems
The Seahawks’ Pregame Meeting
So guys, to simplify the playbook
Before we face the Bears
We’ve trimmed our calls to minimize
The amount the fanbase cares.:
Play number one is hand it
To a guy who cannot run.
Play number two is run around
‘Til we get sacked by someone.
Play number three is throw it
To anyone not wearing green,
Or else we choose play number four:
Kick the ball worse than we’ve ever seen.
Now we may make some mistakes tonight
With this new strategy
So I’ve asked the refs to roll a die
To choose every penalty.
With randomness accounted for
And strategy entirely gone
I think we can make fans agree
That Drew Lock needs to come back on.
Filed under Poems
The Worst She Can Say Is No?
Hi there, Heidi,
How’s it hangin’?
How’d you like to go
To dance with me
Like, oh, let’s see,
Perhaps this week’s HoCo?
I could say yes,
But I must confess
I’ve another option that night
And it’s kind of a doozy…
A diarrhea jacuzzi…
So I’ll pass, if that’s alright?
Filed under Poems
Human Standards
“Why do we need to do things
“When AI can just do them better?”
Dear sir, your robot girlfriend is waiting;
You just need to go out and get her.
Filed under Poems
