The Red Shirt Tells All

I graduated first in my class

From the Juilliard theater school.

I auditioned for a sci-fi show

I thought looked pretty cool.

I showed up at the studio

At 6:15 AM

To help film the now-beloved

Sci-fi classic show for them.

I went to see the costume folks.

The gave me scarlet shirts,

And asked me “are you wearing

Something where, if you fall, it hurts?”

With my adamant denial

They sent me to the stage

Where I memorized my script

Which totalled almost half a page.

The crew was very friendly.

The set was very cheep.

They had a token black girl

And the captain was a creep.

I asked about my character.

“What is his last name?”

They said “he doesn’t have one.”

Such was my first taste of fame.

To this day I look back and smile

When I watch that episode

Where 1:17 into it

A monster roars and I explode.

It was my only great achievement,

And I cannot tell a lie

But at least my job stability

Trumped that of Firefly.

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At The Butcher

Everybody’s yelling

About Nazis, hate, and Trump

And I’m just giggling to myself

‘Cause somebody said “rump.”

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Why I Love Football

This month we will experience

The NFL’s preseason

In which millionaires hit each other

Deapite the lack of any reason,

And we the fans will cheer

To kick our team’s rival’s posterior

Because we can’t play ourselves

Since we’re genetically inferior.

We’ll sit and eat and fart a bit

And somehow manage to sweat.

At the end half of us will sob

While half say “best preseason yet!”

Then we picture our team’s victory

And order larger pants

With the logo of some other team

That actually has a chance.

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My Idol/Idle

Cheerful monotone lawnmower

Murdering grass.

Doesn’t care about the Joneses.

Doesn’t kiss anyone’s ass.

Even when it’s rainy and gray

It lacks the ability to feel blue.

Why couldn’t I have been born

A gas-powered rotary blade too?

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Brought To You By Guest Author “Cal Endar.” (Not Really)

I want to talk about the months

And where their names came from.

Please know all of these are true

Even if they sound dumb.

Jan and Ferb Uary

Were brothers who shared a belle.

Jan got mad and misspelled Ferb’s name

But it all ended up pretty well.

March is based on Mcdonald’s logo.

April was the belle Jan and Ferb liked.

May is a grammatically better version of “can.”

June’s the month that nobody liked.

July was Julie, but was sad about Ferb

And got misspelled too ’cause she was so stressed.

August was named by a Texan who

In his accent said the words “I guessed.”

September was God’s gift to calendar’s everywhere.

October was named by someone who thought Ctober was lame.

Nov and Dec Ember were also brothers

But are last in the year ’cause they both had a stupid name.

I hope you feel more knowledgable

About months, but you probably don’t.

I hope you share this with your friends

But if you’re a smart person you probably won’t.

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Downside? Nazi Riots. Upside? Easy Day For Bad Poetry.

Everyday I seek to write

A really lousy poem

Where life is hard and then the good guys lose,

But today I can be lazy

And write this poem instead

‘Cause my narrative is just Virginia’s news.

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Catholicism Admits Defeat… But They’ll Be Back!

Father Paul, I write to you

Regarding brother Kyle.

He has not been remade anew

So likely you won’t smile:

His dog still fits his Gucci purse,

His favorite color’s aubergine,

His dream’s to be a male nurse,

And all his sentences end with “you know what I mean?”

His moisturizer smells like plum

And adds to his feng shui.

Of this I’m fairly certain:

We didn’t pray the gay away. 

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