If I had a dollar
For every time the mainstream media
Said something nice about white people
I’d have zero dollars
Which is still more than the WNBA
Has earned in all of history.
No Flames On The Sides Either…
Tesla cars are probably great
But I think they missed so much
When the paint did not make lightning
That’s responsive to your touch.
Sure, you’re environmentally friendly
Because you don’t need engine oil
But I’ll stick with my old gas car
And my badass Tesla Coil.
Filed under Poems
Poet By Day, Used Car Salesman By Afternoon (I Spend My Nights Crying)
I had a first edition Charizard
That I sold for five bucks.
I had a chance to buy Bitcoin
When folks said it sucks.
So when I sell you my Honda
With a hole in the door
Remember the price trends
Of what I’ve sold before.
Filed under Poems
Hollywood, Kansas
Good old Southern wisdom dictates
That nobody can be hotter
Than a woman with the privilege
Of being a farmer’s daughter.
Now a lot of celebrities try
Via paying a lot of money
To get hotter through plastic surgery
But they end up looking funny.
Meanwhile, farms in general
Are losing cash with every crop.
Now I share a solution
To make both these problems stop:
Aging celebrities pay a subscription
To be adopted by the farmers
Who’ll do less growing vegetables
And more of raising charmers.
The world gets better affordable food
And less of the adjective “botched”
And films starring 40+ actresses
Might actually start to get watched!
Filed under Poems
She’s Tired Of People Playing It Without Permission
Rightful owner of
The world’s smallest violin
Wants you to cheer up
Filed under Poems
Christmas Is Gettin’ Good!
Growing up is hard.
Santa wants to make you smile.
Meet new Nuka-Sled!
Filed under Poems
Hoedown!
Four
De
Scen
Ding
Choooords…
Well I like to hunt
And I like to fish
But this redneck cowboy stereotype
Only has one real wish
That’s to meet your pa
And to buy a ring
And to do the redneck cowboy stereotypical wedding thing
So if you will be my bride, oh boy
You’ll surely be my pride and joy
And with any luck you’ll get in my truck
And we’ll have a kid and shoot a deer and a duck…
And if mama and my dog were still alive
I know they’d love to see us thrive
So let that steel guitar play a minor chord…
As the light fades and we kiss in my Ford…
So I hope that you live up to all my hype
‘Cause girl you are my cowboy
(Chord)
Redneck
(Chord)
Stereo…
(Beedillo dee bo de bo debodo bebodo dee)
Type!
Filed under Poems
Just Me?
Nothing says “Settle down tonight”
Like drinking a cup of tea
That you made ten hours ago
And then erased from your memory
Until now, when you sip its coldness
And enjoy its over-steeped flavor.
Yes, this is my evening’s pleasure
And my absent-minded savor.
Filed under Poems
Summertime
That time of night has come at last
When the fan blows on your feet
And you wear your thinnest underwear
To beat the evening heat,
When the bedsheet becomes optional
And clothing does as well
And we see the smiling upside
Of an afterlife in Hell.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 