I want to open an amusement park
That’s a bunch of fire pits
And comfy private toilets
For comfy private shits
Where men can sit in silence
And stare into the void.
It’d be the happiest place on earth
‘Til some white chick gets annoyed.
He Has Become More Powerful Than We Can Possibly Imagine
Death hung up the phone
And looked upon the acres
Of tombstones,
Each of them for a deceased death,
Each of which also died
Minutes after receiving the same call.
From Chuck Norris:
“Ready for another try?”
But this time Chuck was ready
To pull an Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Death was just a means to an end…
Filed under Poems
But How Long Does It Take To Walk A Dog?
As I age, I realize
How many rejections were not lies.
It turns out her washing her hair
Does take the entire evening. So there.
Filed under Poems
Let Me Tell You About…
I used to dread going to parties
And talking to strangers all night.
Then I learned all about hemorrhoids
And now parties feel all right.
Filed under Poems
Please See The Manager Between 12:01-12:07 AM on Tuesdays And Fridays In March And Bring A Notarized Letter Of Intent To End Your Subscription To Mordorian Dominion
The necromancer, Sauron,
Was pondering his life:
No pesky job to go to,
No annoying, naggy wife.
He wished to live forever
So he made a magic ring
That would make him both immortal
And in charge of everything.
Deep in the fine print
Of this magical ring contract
Made the only way to break the ring
A particular lava contact,
And yet a little hobbit
Bypassed this security.
If only Sauron had the foresight
To beg advice from me
For I know an alternative
That might just have saved him:
In order to destroy the One Ring
You must cancel membership for the gym.
Filed under Poems
When You Started A Poem On Valentine’s Day, But Couldn’t Find The Perfect Similes ‘Til Now
I love you
Like city officials love roundabouts
And bicycle lanes
And sidewalks with little gardens
That make them impossible to traverse.
I need you
Like white girls need artisan coffee
With little flowers made of milk
And 27 makeup brushes
To achieve that perfect “no makeup” look.
I want you
Not quite as much as I want trading cards
But pretty close,
Especially when you’re not all hormonal
And don’t talk too much.
Your boobs are nice too.
Filed under Poems
Musician Uniforms
Black shirt plus cat hair
Makes the maestro panic ‘til
Sticky roller comes.
Filed under Poems
When You Add AI…
Duolingo used to teach
Useful phrases like:
“I want to eat a dinosaur”
And “My dog can ride a bike”.
Now it tells you stories
Like “Hi Lucy, I’m making bread.”
“Thank you, Junior. I saw a ghost.”
Then ask, “Which word means ‘head?’”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 