What if God’s a cat
That destroys things now and then
But mostly just naps?
Seven Books, Eight Movies, Four Stanzas
Harry Potter was a boy
Who got shot by a wizard,
But mom’s love made the spell turn Voldy’s
Nose into a lizard.
Harry Potter, boy who lived!
Harry Potter dandy!
Phoenix feather in his wand
In book 4 comes in handy!
He stole a rock from Voldemort
And killed an evil snake guy,
Used time turners to save Buckbeak
And got betrayed by Mad-Eye.
Harry Potter growing up!
Harry Potter struggles,
Recalling when his biggest fear
Was growing up with muggles.
In book 5 we meet Dolores,
The most hated villain,
Then in book six Dumbledore dies
And Voldemort’s just chillin’.
Harry Potter leaves the school!
Harry Potter camping
‘Til he finds the Deathly Hallows
And gets to horcrux stamping.
Harry dies, but oops! It’s okay.
Dumbledore had planned it
And he and Voldy have a duel
Because the plot demands it.
Harry Potter wins the day!
He becomes a daddy
And sends his kids to boarding school
Like when he was a laddy.
Filed under Poems
…ses Are Red (Oops)
I wrote nine poems yesterday,
Short they were, it’s true,
But I have willpower enough
To not write “violets are blue.”
The day will come when I compose
Ten haikus in a row
But instead today I wrote eight lines
And they end with the words, “Ro…”
Filed under Poems
Use The Haiku, Luke
I
Two Jedi go find
Slave boy on a desert world,
Blow up space station
II
Slave boy’s all grown up
Turns out there are lots of clones
And a war begins
III
Slave boy kills younglings,
Upgrades wardrobe with a cape
And breathing device
IV
Old Jedi befriends
Farm boy on a desert world,
Blows up space station
V
Farm boy meets his dad.
Talking doesn’t go so well.
Things get out of hand
VI
Crime boss meets his match
And the farm boy saves his dad,
Blows up space station
VII
Desert planet girl
Looks for farm boy far away,
Blows up space station
VIII
What the #%%* was this?
Slow car chase through space, I guess?
Also, farm boy dies
IX
Space girl with map knife…
“Somehow, Palpatine returned”…
Identity Theft…
Filed under Poems
Legal Advice
“Where there’s a will, there’s a way.“
That’s what my lawyer did say
When he wrote me a will
And then sent me a bill
And I told him that I couldn’t pay.
Filed under Poems
Flossing
If your gums don’t bleed
You aren’t pressing hard enough.
Do it every night.
Filed under Poems
Presenting: The Sandbox!
What if we took those things in golf
With the fancy desert dirt
And we made it a place of happiness
Instead of one of hurt
And made that place off-limits
To people 8 and up?
Sincerely, children of the past
Who clearly know what’s up.
Filed under Poems
#LiterallySatan
War is pretty bad.
Epstein didn’t kill himself.
Can we get taxed less?
Filed under Poems
Holidayflation
‘Twas the 10th of September
And on my TV
A commercial was playing
That terrified me:
‘Twas an ad for vacations
At Disneyland Park
But the song in the background
Made the magic go dark,
For the Disney execs
With audacity sheer
Played “It’s the most wonderful
“Time of the year.”
With my heart sinking faster
Than a billionaire’s submersible
I counted the ways
That their timing was cursable ,
Then with my ears bleeding
From this Disneyland bummer
I went out to enjoy
One more fortnight of Summer.
Filed under Poems
NFL Day One
There was a QB from Seattle
Who started a climactic battle
And then he was down
And that makes me frown
But we hope it’s not more than a rattle
…
There was a Seattle defense
With stats that just didn’t make sense.
They took the ball away
Then they took it away
Then they took it again
And the Patriots haven’t smiled since.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 