Woe is me, woe is me
For my true love is dead.
She woke up one morning
With one fewer head.
It cannot be real!
It must be a fake!
I’m angry as hell
Thanks to someone’s mistake!
Oh, what would I give
To return her to life?
Oh what’s the use anyway?
Let’s get on with life.
Filed under Poems
What child is this
You laid to rest
That in my lap
Is sleeping,
Whose face glows white
Like the face of God,
And why won’t my cell phone
Quit beeping?
Filed under Poems
For every chicken they kill
To sell at the store
When apocalypse comes
That’s one skeleton more.
For every boneless chicken
You bring home to roast
When apocalypse comes
That’s just one more ghost.
Filed under Poems
Before the internet was made
Antarctica was nice:
Just peaceful people chilling
On an endless sheet of ice.
But after wifi came along
Antarctica, once fine,
Fell immediately into
Inescapable decline
Because one lonely penguin
(Or perhaps a polar bear)
Signed on to ye olde internet
Just to see what’s there.
That was when the searcher
Received the first and fatal clue:
“Are you feeling lonely?
“Check out hot singles near you.”
Now I am not a penguin
(Nor am I a polar bear)
But whatever sorry animal saw
The advertisement there
Went looking for hot singles
Due to loneliness they felt,
Not thinking that the hotness
Just might cause the ice to melt.
Now we find Antarctica
Is little more than ocean
Because of one’s animal needs
(At least that is my notion).
So if we want the glaciers back
And want to stop tides rising
My must delete the internet
(At least that’s my surmising).
Filed under Poems
While I was making sweet, sweet love
To my canoe, I thought:
“Just because your love’s forbidden
“Doesn’t mean it’s hot.”
Filed under Poems
When a child is chosen
To come down from Heaven
They’re given a choice
From between one and seven
On how hard a challenge
They want life to be.
Here’s a few quick examples
For you now, from me:
One is a plant
In a jungle somewhere
Far away from the humans
With lots of clean air.
A two is a puppy
In a rich white guy’s home
With unlimited treats
And a whole yard to roam.
A three’s like a two
Until that fateful day
When you start as a “he”
And the vet makes you “they.”
A four is a human
Who lives all their days
With a big happy family
And an annual raise.
At five you have troubles
Like sickness or fear
And just 500 likes
On that pic of your rear.
At six life can seem
Like an old country song,
But you can take comfort
That it won’t last too long.
And seven’s just you
In a hospital bed
With a Taylor Swift song
Ever stuck in your head.
I hope that this helps you
Decide your next fate.
I know that, before life,
A lot’s on your plate.
No matter your choice though
You’ll probably be fine
Unless you’re a poet
Who asked, “Hmm… what’s nine?”
Filed under Poems
There once was bobabezine
That slodda dee focus or line?
And burger da beep
Chodda wodda ga meep?
Soda wamegla SWEET CAROLINE!
Filed under Poems
Are you tired of working out?
Wish you could lose some weight?
Then you stumbling on this post
Is nothing short of fate!
See, I’m a famous CEO
Who grew up on the street
And I’ve been on some talk shows
And my life is really neat.
I’ve collaborated
With a bunch of science nerds
To make a diet supplement
That will leave you without words:
Our many happy clients
Universally lost weight,
And we’re officially endorsed
By nearly every socialist state.
What is this magic product?
You really want to know?
Okay, since you asked nicely…
“Dehydrated H2O.”
Filed under Poems
Some people believe
That our world will be conquered
By satanic lizards from Mars.
To those folks I say,
“Don’t be scared… it’s okay.
“Their rulers are better than ours!”
Filed under Poems
Roses are red,
My car’s a two-seater.
Everything’s a piñata
If you’re not a picky eater.
Filed under Poems
