Dumbledore and Me

As Dumbledore once said

When called upon to speak:

“I have a few words to say:

“Nitwit, blubber, oddment, tweak.”

These words describe my mental state

It’s been that sort of week.

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It Would Be Called “231,” Since Women Only Get 77 Soldiers On The Hundred

It’s an age of all-female remakes

Like Ghost Busters and Oceans 8.

My faithful readers probably think

This is a trend I’d hate.

Instead I think the opposite;

It’s something I’m totally for

And here are some beloved movies

To remake if they make more:

How about “The Godmother?”

“Lady of the Rings?”

“The Good, the Less Good, and the Strong Independent Woman

“Concerned Less With Appearance Than Other Things?”

How ’bout all-female “Fight Club”

Or “Saving Private Ryan?”

How about a “Hacksaw Ridge”

That no one has to die in?

I jest, I jest (At least I hope).

But I pray that in 2019

The all-female “300” reboot

Hits the Imax screen.

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Why Do People Think Vampires Are Evil? Oh, Yeah…

If I were a vampire,

Unfazed by passing time

I’d find a cure for cancer

And think of a less obvious rhyme.

I’d write the greatest music

The world would ever hear.

I’d usher in an age of peace

And put an end to fear.

I’d find a cure for bloodlust

(My own and others too)

And take vitamin D pills

So lack of sunlight wouldn’t make me feel blue.

But, alas, those people

Who became immortal blood-diners

Used it to go to high school for 300 years,

Play baseball, and seduce minors.

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Bad Language?

Eye halve know aye Dia

Howe thoughs hoo dew knot no

How-to spellin’ English

Kant fig your it out, sew

Threw this Han dee poem

I salve Mai own dill Emma.

Hi expect, inn learning spannish

Their Will bee Noooooo! problema.

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Maybe Act More Violet?

Roses are red,

Roses are white,

Roses are yellow and pink.

Your are like a rose

As you have many facets

But, unlike a rose, they all stink.

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Widow Lives Matter

Even though her legs are hairy

She’s still beautiful.

Just because her jaw is wide

Doesn’t make her unfeminine.

I don’t love her any less

Just because she has eight legs,

Thirty-seven eyes,

And mandibles to store venom in.

I don’t mind her bug-eating thing

Or her webs around the house,

Her association with evil

And summoning of bad lucks.

The only real area

Where her allure could be improved

Is the part where she kills and eats me

After every time she… well shucks.

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The Two Great Sources Of Human Suffering

The greatest mistakes man has committed

Are deferring their joy to be wealthy

And the not telling a lie when it was discovered

That eating kale was healthy.

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