Campaign Ads, 2028

My fellow Americans

I stand before you today

To declare my intention to run

For president of the USA.

If I am elected

I promise to unite

A country that’s divided

Between the left and right.

Speaking of right, my campaign is sponsored

By Google Energy Drink.

It’s made with all of your favorite flavors

Because data showed us how you think.

Consume three cans of GED a day

Or we’ll share your browser history.

But back to how I’ll save our nation…

Find out tonight at 10:00 on History!

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Why People Don’t Write Sonnets Anymore

As the auburn sunrise comes to settle

O’er the rocky hillside by the pine tree

Two boys compete to test th’others mettle

And by “boy” we mean those who cannot biologically experience pregnancy

And we do acknowledge that some who can experience pregnancy do identify as boys

And some who cannot do not identify as boys, but as ceilings

And then they hit each other with their Star Wars episode XXVIII toys

And were told “No D’CarsenIsabellaLiam”, which hurt their feelings

So their parents apologized, whether

Or not that was the thing for them to do

And they sang “Hail to the Chief” together

As the auburn sunset signaled curfew.

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Too Far?

If I had a sweet purple pony

For every terrible poem I’ve written for you

I’d have no shortage of mystery meat

And the world would have no want for glue

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When You Order Fruit From Third World Countries

Sweet little kiwi

I cut thin green slices of

Then they fly away

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The Rhythm Of Universal Truth

No matter the size of our brains

Or the density of our bums

All humans are united in knowing

That buttocks can double as bongo drums.

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The Benefits Of Not Being Tan

In a world without coyotes

And a scarcity of ginger ale

I’d take comfort in the notion

That my legs would still be pale.

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First Graders Be Like…

Some like it hot.

Some like it cold.

Some people just learned how to change the font color.

And also make text bold.

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If you put your life on the line

To defend our nation

You get one day for

A long weekend vacation.

If you decide

“Everyone turns me on”

You get all of June

To be praised unto dawn.

But whether you’re mad

That the alphabet crew

Get a month, or that veterans

Kinda get screwed

What we must remember

With all we hold dear

Is that China gives bunnies

A whole freakin’ year!

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Requires At Least 18 Years Of Continuous Experience In This Gender

We’ve finally reached the fated day

Where your date presents a resume

And you have to ask her in detail

About the gap in her experience as a female

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Wisdom of the Elements

I roasted marshmallows on an open fire

And the poofed up soft and gold.

I roasted them over a vat of ice

And they sat unchanged. I’m told

That fire and ice are equals

And, while true, it must be said

That camping is better with fire than ice.

Now enlightened, go ye to bed.

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