I spent lots of oguiya
To buy a crwths
So I could perform a euouae.
If you think this is nonsense
But I know better…
I’ve read the Scrabble dictionary. Hooray!
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When You Spend Mauritanian Money To Play A Gregorian Cadence On A Welsh Instrument (And No One Will Play Board Games With You Anymore)
Filed under Poems
Really? Really.
In the news: 007 is a black lady
And a million people attack area 51.
Neither endeavor is likely to succeed
But at least “Seein’ dem aliens” will be fun.
Filed under Poems
The Family Diner
I went to a family diner
I ordered a “family omelette”.
The menu wasn’t specific
So I waited to see what I’d get.
When they delivered the omelette
I found myself rather stricken
‘Cause what they called a “family omelette”
Was apparently just eggs and chicken.
The submenu options included
The “family omelette deluxe”
Which, inspired by Angelina Jolie,
Was chicken with eggs from some ducks.
The Conservative family omelette
Came with napkins that asked you to pray for it.
The Liberal family omelette
Was the same, but made someone else pay for it.
The feminist family omelette
Had no eggs and weighed 300 pounds.
The black family omelette had half as much chicken
‘Cause was no daddy chicken around.
The Japanese family omelette
Came with an unrealistic hairdo
And, upon looking closer, you’ll find
It has better SAT scores than you.
When I went to that family diner
I brought my future wife on a date.
I still visit on weekends and holidays
When I don’t have a lot on my plate.
Filed under Poems
Oscarbait 2019
I screamed at the milk carton
“Why doesn’t she love me?”
The milk carton pondered
For a long, long time.
Starring Keanu Reeves.
Filed under Poems
One Step Back, Two Steps Forward
Some say poetry is crap.
Others call it art.
Nobody liked my soccer poem
And I’d call that a very good start!
Filed under Poems
Sorry Europe, South America, And Basically Everywhere Else, But You Have Terrible Taste
There’s an argument in the USA
About soccer teams and equal pay
‘Cause men got paid more overall
Despite the women winning all the way.
The other side of this tirade
Says the male players are underpaid
Because the revenue their team produced
Was 55 times more than the women’s team made.
Now how revenue or standings weigh
On the importance scale I can’t say.
The real question is, in 2019,
Why won’t this stupid sport just go away?
Filed under Poems
When You Hate The Haters, You Hate Yourself, But I’m White So I Should Hate Myself Anyway And I’m So Confused…
“Everyone loves our movies”
Said the Disney corporation
As they embarked on making
Their next live-action adaptation.
“The only problem I can see”
Said a modern movie buff
“Is that your previous films
“Don’t hate straight white men enough.”
And so the Disney corporation
Began to turn away
Anyone who wasn’t brown
Or female or gay.
Now the Disney corporation
Isn’t evil, FYI
Despite their CEO Bob Iger
Being an old cis-hetero white guy.
We know he isn’t evil
And his movies aren’t trash
‘Cause anti-white discrimination
Is what brings Disney their cash
And money, after all,
Is what makes the world go round.
(Also, you know who to blame
If I go missing and am never found).
Filed under Poems
