I do not know the muffin man.
I really don’t know nothing, man.
All I know is muffin man
Repeats things, so I’m told.
I’ll tell you of the muffin man
Since you’re no fan of muffin man.
You’ll hear repeats by muffin man
‘Cause the teleprompter’s old.
Dream Bigger, America!
Democrats are donkeys.
Republicans are elephants.
Libertarians are porcupines.
All this makes very little sense;
If a party chose a mascot
Like a dragon or a sphinx
They’d win every election
(Or so this poet thinks).
Filed under Poems
The Male Experience (Based On A True Story)
I had an appointment at noon today
So, at 9:00, I took a ten-minute shower,
Then I sat down down to play card games
For about a half an hour.
After I was finished
With my 40 minutes of dun
The universe said, “It’s 3:00 O’clock
“And also you should go buy a gun.”
Filed under Poems
Flawless Logic
Victory is sweet.
Sweet things aren’t good for your health.
“Loser” means “healthy”.
Filed under Poems
Visualizing Data
If
You
Plan
Ahead, you
Can make anything
Look like a graph that
Extends dramatically at the end of the line.
Stats
Lie.
Filed under Poems
When You Say “Jesus, Take The Wheel”, Consider The Consequences
So I invented a nifty new thing
That’s a circular mobility aid.
I call it a “wheel”, and if we’re for real
It’s the best thing anyone’s ever made.
As I was showing it off today
This dude with a halo came by
And just picked it up, put his blood in a cup,
And vamoosed. Now I’m stuck asking why.
Filed under Poems
Let It Be
A woman asking for advice
Is like a cat exposing its belly:
You can do what you think is nice
But it’s going to end up really yelly.
Filed under Poems
The Introvert Finds An Exception To The Rule
Guys, I learned something!
When you have plans for fun things
Cancelling feels bad.
Filed under Poems
Making The Most Of Modern Trends
Meet a girl who buys you chocolate,
Gets you flowers, buys dessert.
Just be aware that girls like that
May have once been your friend, Bert.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 