Instead of sending crooks to jail
What if we made them eat kale?
I think they’d say that I’m a hero
For the idea that reduced all crime to zero.
Hogwarts, 2021
If you think a Banshee’s scream is bad
You have never heard
The scream of the mythical Banthey
When one’s been misgendered.
Filed under Poems
Bad With Names? Try This One Simple Trick That Oprah Said Is “No Comment”
If everyone in the entire world
Named their kids “Steve Penn”
We’d never have to sign our name
On anything again,
Never have an awkward moment
When you wake up in bed
With someone whose name you forgot…
Just say “Hey Steve” instead!
You’d never wear a name tag,
Never forget who wrote a play…
Everyone would win on Jeopardy
And movie credits would go away.
It’s such a great idea
That I hardly have to sell it,
Even though if everyone’s share’s the name
Baristas would still misspell it.
We would have an era of peace
If everyone were named “Steve Penn.”
That is, until people used middle names
And the chaos returned again…
Filed under Poems
Sorry Mr. President, But You Can’t Come Back To Disneyland
Everything was going well
Until I ate that Taco Bell…
For one glorious ride I was a fountain
In the very first car upon Splash Mountain.
Filed under Poems
It Was A Valiant Effort At Least…
There once was a poet I knew
Who wrote poems at 11:52.
Tonight he was inspired
To write before he got tired
But, alas, tonight’s poem sucks too…
Filed under Poems
That Which Is Not Convoluted May Lack Bewilderment… So Yeah
I’m sporadically baffled, befuddled, and vexed
When traversing a sum of obfuscated text.
Otherwise, sometimes I feel the need
To say in plain english “This is hard to read.”
Filed under Poems
Shocking, But More Power To Him, Even Though He Misspelled It (Inspired By Current Events)
My buddy made a statement
That I didn’t really hear
So I looked at him and asked
“Volt times ampere?”
Apparently that wasn’t
The response for which he’d planned,
Thus he retorted “What?”
And I said “I’m shocked you understand!”
Filed under Poems
Taaaake… Me To The Ri. Vuh… (Drop me in the wa. Tuh…) But An Octave Lower
The guys who, in the ‘90s,
Made the singing Big Mouth Bass
Will be long renowned by history
For redefining “urban class.”
Alas, they could have changed music
Had they thought ahead so far
As to make an instrument
They called the “bass guitar.”
Filed under Poems
Alpha, Delta, Omicron…
A kid with jelly on his hands
Picked up a DVD
And put it in to watch a film
On their big screen TV,
But yet alas, the dirty disc
Got stuck around halfway
And it repeated the same old scene
Even when they pressed “play.”
Then finally they’d had enough
And said “I’ve had enough,”
Pulled out the disk and wiped it off
Then did some other stuff.
A five-year old can figure out
When something isn’t right
To make a new plan without delay
And still have fun that night.
And yet the leaders we voted for
Have yet to grasp this thought,;
Instead they say “shots didn’t work…
“How ‘bout another shot?”
Filed under Poems
When You Ask Them To Say “Cheese” And They Say “Take The F***ing Picture Already”
A thin grin, a smile with guile,
A false upward turn of the lips:
Needless to say, if you know a way
To take good family photos, share tips!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 