Remember when having a car
And kinda playing the guitar
Meant you were the top percent of men?
Ah, the world was good back then!
Name A More Iconic Pair
God gave men sticks to write on walls,
Club animals, and scratch their balls.
God gave women mouths to say
“Why won’t boys put their sticks away?”
Filed under Poems
Character Creation
What if everything’s human
But in all shapes and sizes
With different colors and textures
And numbers of eyes-es
And we are the luckies
Who were born kinda pasty,
Good at thinking and crying
But not very tasty?
Filed under Poems
What I Learned In English Class
Many a novelist worked all their lives
Studying classics and ignoring their wives
To write down a tale of legend and lore
That would outdo the authors who’ve written before.
Thousands of books line the library shelves
Depicting the foibles of demons and elves
And most of these pages (perhaps even all)
Cannot grip human minds like a big rubber ball.
A book needs attention; A ball just needs love
As you smack it with hands from below and above.
You may frown a bit when a character dies
But when the ball touches ground there are zero dry eyes.
A book has beginning and middle and end
But a ball is forever, moreso than a friend.
A book may be boring, but have ye no fear
For the fun’s never done when you play with a sphere!
So authors so erudite, hear my decree:
Stop fighting for writing. Let literature be
And trade out your quill for a beach ball (or three)
And see what an adventure “no-floor-ball” can be!
Filed under Poems
The Other Seven Days
And God made man
And of man he said:
“He shall be a good companion
“Every day until he’s dead.”
And God made woman
And of woman did proclaim
“Three out of four weeks
“She’ll be basically the same…”
Filed under Poems
Your Team Is Bad And Hard To Rhyme (Go Hawks)
Two birds fought in Arizona
And the red one was clearly a gonna
‘Cause the blue and green bird
Caught touchdown one, two, then a third
And their victory was fide-comma-bona.
Filed under Poems
Counterargument…
What if God’s a dog?
That’s why he loves everyone
And doesn’t talk much…
Filed under Poems
Egyptians Were Right All Along?
What if God’s a cat
That destroys things now and then
But mostly just naps?
Filed under Poems
Seven Books, Eight Movies, Four Stanzas
Harry Potter was a boy
Who got shot by a wizard,
But mom’s love made the spell turn Voldy’s
Nose into a lizard.
Harry Potter, boy who lived!
Harry Potter dandy!
Phoenix feather in his wand
In book 4 comes in handy!
He stole a rock from Voldemort
And killed an evil snake guy,
Used time turners to save Buckbeak
And got betrayed by Mad-Eye.
Harry Potter growing up!
Harry Potter struggles,
Recalling when his biggest fear
Was growing up with muggles.
In book 5 we meet Dolores,
The most hated villain,
Then in book six Dumbledore dies
And Voldemort’s just chillin’.
Harry Potter leaves the school!
Harry Potter camping
‘Til he finds the Deathly Hallows
And gets to horcrux stamping.
Harry dies, but oops! It’s okay.
Dumbledore had planned it
And he and Voldy have a duel
Because the plot demands it.
Harry Potter wins the day!
He becomes a daddy
And sends his kids to boarding school
Like when he was a laddy.
Filed under Poems
…ses Are Red (Oops)
I wrote nine poems yesterday,
Short they were, it’s true,
But I have willpower enough
To not write “violets are blue.”
The day will come when I compose
Ten haikus in a row
But instead today I wrote eight lines
And they end with the words, “Ro…”
Filed under Poems
