Die a hero or
Live to see yourself race-swapped
On HBO Max
Growing Big And Strong
When I was a kid I ate mac and cheese;
Now I eat pasta au gratin.
I used to eat hot dogs with ketchup;
Now I eat bratwurst. Ooh la lan.
I used to eat burgers and french fries;
Now I order steaks frites on a bun
But the day I stop eating potato volcanos
Is when childhood’s really done.
Filed under Poems
Tails, You Lose
Mermaids tried to lure my friend Seth
To his untimely maritime death.
They were lithe and coquettish
But Seth has a foot fetish
And has yet to draw his final breath.
Filed under Poems
What Comic Books Taught Me
We’ve gone from two-parent families
To a lot of divided tribes
Where a single mom or dad
Gets by on pizza and vibes.
But if we go one step farther
And increase the orphan count
We should see the number of superheroes
Increase by a not-small amount.
Filed under Poems
Over Time, This Is Guaranteed To Reduce Traffic
Instead of red lights
We can just have free-for-alls
At the four-way stops.
Filed under Poems
Like A Back Yard, But For Everyone
I want to open an amusement park
That’s a bunch of fire pits
And comfy private toilets
For comfy private shits
Where men can sit in silence
And stare into the void.
It’d be the happiest place on earth
‘Til some white chick gets annoyed.
Filed under Poems
He Has Become More Powerful Than We Can Possibly Imagine
Death hung up the phone
And looked upon the acres
Of tombstones,
Each of them for a deceased death,
Each of which also died
Minutes after receiving the same call.
From Chuck Norris:
“Ready for another try?”
But this time Chuck was ready
To pull an Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Death was just a means to an end…
Filed under Poems
But How Long Does It Take To Walk A Dog?
As I age, I realize
How many rejections were not lies.
It turns out her washing her hair
Does take the entire evening. So there.
Filed under Poems
Let Me Tell You About…
I used to dread going to parties
And talking to strangers all night.
Then I learned all about hemorrhoids
And now parties feel all right.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 