Art is when your self-expression

Is super meaningful and deep

In a way that nobody else understands.

It doesn’t rhyme

Or look like reality

Or sell in Peoria

(Or anywhere else for that matter).

It has imagery in it

Like “Salty red horse”

Or “Spider fingers”

That evoke people’s minds

But don’t make them think.

Art is for people who feel

Or who have a lot of money

That they need to launder

And also lots of wall space.


Carrier pigeon with orange sauce.

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From the Earth arises, soft,

The tiny caterpillar

Which, to the baby bird, will serve

As a tiny belly filler.

The baby birds grow big and strong

And humans shoot and eat ‘em

And that is why the caterpillar

Will never defeat ‘em.

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And The Items On The Shelves Sighed With Relief

There once was an Isle of Cat

Where the felines were wild and fat.

They all got along great,

Which is something cats hate,

So they ran away, and that was that.

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She’s Still My Muse, But…

I wanted inspiration

So I asked my girlfriend to tell

Me anything that starts with a”A”.

It didn’t go so well…

“Um… um…” my girlfriend mumbled

As I asked again, “What starts with A?”

Finally she said, slightly annoyed

“Anchovie.” Then she said “Okay.”

I asked her to say literally anything

And she replied again “Hm.”

Then she pretended she didn’t hear the question

And said “David! David! Bum.”

It didn’t make for a masterpiece

But she inspired this poem you’re reading.

Now I’ll let you get back to your life

And let mom get back to her beading.

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Because She Took All The Liar’s Money? Or Is He Ridiculously Honest? Either Way, He And His Brother Are Standing By A Fork In The Road And You Probably Have To Ask Them Where Their Town Is Or Something

If I had a nickel

For every time I lied

I would have zero cents

And a supermodel by my side.

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Golden Slipper

I slipped on a banana

And fell on my butt

And it excited me

Because you know what?

Everyone told me “you’ll never

“Be yogurt” but I fought ‘em

And now look at me!

I’ve got fruit on the bottom!

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All Breast Meat

If you were a mother and became a zombie

And started a life with you lil zombaby

Unlife would seem great when you lurch from the hearse

‘Til it’s time for the zombaby to nurse…

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Artistic Priorities

Today I was a DJ

At a wedding for my friends.

It was great, but tiring

And thus this poem ends.

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The Good Life

Today I played some rock and roll

‘Til ten o’clock at night,

Then when outside to watch a comet

In his fiery flight,

Drank some cool tap water

That soothed a tired throat

And pondered why the universe

Decided ducks should float.

Some of this was worldly

And some was wild and rough

And some was almost childish

But not nearly enough.

So when you watch the news and think

The world has gone to hell

I hope you play some rock and roll

‘Til ten o’clock as well.

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Deep Thoughts

I think of all the seaweed

The one that gets the most teased

Has got to be the kelp

‘Cause their name rhymes with help.

I think of all the jewelry

The one suffering the least tomfoolery

Would have to be the silver

By the same logic as previously.

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