Imagine if there were a coffee
That energized you twice as well
And was also completely free…
Sounds like an easy sell!
I have such a solution for you
If my secret you can keep:
My secret coffee replacement brew
Is called “eight hours of sleep”.
Unfortunately It Requires Planning And Discipline, And Doesn’t Taste Like Pumpkin Spice
Filed under Poems
Ode To My Nerdy Wife
Oh Becky, dear Becky,
My beautiful wife,
Not unlike a fireball
You light up my life
By destroying the minions
Of boredom and blech,
All while making my lunches
And fixing my tech.
Some men are boastful
Of “bagging a 10”
But I think they should think
Of thinking again
For the 10’s of the world
Are numerous and plenty
Unlike you, my Becky,
My natural twenty.
I once had the gift
Of unlimited rhymes;
Now I cantrip you foot rubs
Unlimited times.
I can no longer go
Through a short or long rest
Without recalling reasons
Why you are the best.
Sometimes you don’t think so
And deny that you’re swell
To which I respond
With a swift counterspell.
Not unlike Oloro,
Whether present or not,
You made my life grow
From alone to a lot.
So thanks for forgiving
My photos so blurry,
For casting aside
Your long-distance worry,
For accepting my ring
And my oddness galore.
Now onward to love
For a few decades more!
Filed under Poems
We’re From The Government And We’re Here To Help
There once was a system that worked
Which made administrative ears be perked
So they followed the scoop
And in they did swoop
And the system’s officially gurked.
Filed under Poems
When In Rome (Or The Dangers Of Conformity)
I think Italians
Must have problems with their kids
Jumping off bridges
Filed under Poems
Equity
There once was an academic class
That everyone would always pass,
So students did no work
And got A’s as a perk
And that’s why the job market’s ass.
Filed under Poems
Wait… Did You Ask Why The End Of The Lines Don’t Rhyme? *Prepares Taser*
Too many monkeys jumping on the bed.
One fell off and cracked his head.
His mama called the doctor and the doctor said
“What kinda Planet of the Apes shit is going down at your house, monkey mama?!”
Lots of police men knocking at the door.
The doctor asks “what is this for?”
Police say, “violent language towards Simian-Americans. What’s more
“We’re revoking your medical license and giving you life without parole.”
Filed under Poems
Artistry Vs. Imagery
Whoever invented the word “grotesque”
Deserves a raise. Alas
That went to the guy who named
The muddy brown parts of Earth “Morass”.
Filed under Poems
The Rest Of This Poem Has Been Redacted For My Safety
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Why did Humpty Dumpty fall?
I am the mirror that sees all
And sometimes when the Clintons call…
Filed under Poems
All Milk Is Creates Equal
Think now of the vegans
And all of their ilk
Who don’t consume dairy
Like ice cream or milk
But feel no guilt
Drinking milk of the oat
Or the almond or cashew
Or soy. They emote:
“We’re saving the animals”
While the little nut babies
Must drink formula
That may just give them rabies.
So when the nuts come
And they kick down your door
And they eat your begonias
And poop on your floor
Go thank a vegan,
Those shortsighted folks
Who steal milk from young produce
And also hate jokes.
Filed under Poems
For Your Convenience
So people forget their passwords a lot
And resetting them takes like a minute
So what if we made up another method
To help people quickly sign in it?
Maybe an app that gives you a number
That triggers a text to your phones
That lets you insert a DNA sample
So we can make an army of clones
And then once we’ve checked your identity
We’ll send a reset link to your email;
Just log in, click the link, and decipher
The “are you a robot?” riddle written in braille.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 