An Alternative To The Lemonade Stand

When you experience the Summer

And it’s so hot that you say “Bummer”

I have a solution to your caper:

A fan made from some folded paper!

You can make your own cool Heaven

From a folded eight-and-a-half by eleven

That you swing repeatedly at your face

And hope you cause air to displace.

This air will make your sweat go poof

And you go from hot to cool, aloof.

Buy one now! They’re really nifty!

Or buy two for just $18.50!

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An Important Choice

If I were a chess piece

I think I be a rook

Because I sit in corners

If just to read a book,

I like to walk in long straight lines

And don’t think it’s a hassle

When somebody mistakenly

Refers to me as “Castle.”

I’m not pious for bishopping,

Too smart to be a pawny thing,

I lack the boobs to be a queen

Or the balls to be a king…

So it’s either rook, or else a knight

Who’s called a horse sometimes…

Actually, I’m not hung like a rook…

I’m changing my choice. This line rhymes.

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Yeah… No Comment

This poem isn’t very deep

Because I need to fall asleep.

Tomorrow I’ll do it earlier,

Like a man who goes to the gym at 5:00 AM to get burlier.

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A Hallmark Card For Long-Distance Relationships

Hey girl! Are you a sitting duck

Or you the broadside of a barn

Or another easy-target such-and-such?

You’re amazing and you’re super

And I feel like a storm trooper

‘Cause it’s crazy, missing you this much.

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The Downside Of A Big Cock

If chickens were the size of whales

We’d cure hunger with one egg.

No one would ever starve again

Or ever have to beg.

We’d have a peaceful planet

With everything we need

Until we learn the bitter truth:

We’d soon be chicken feed…

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An Old Norse Melody

Odinny boy, the vikes, the vikes are calling

From sea to sea and to Valhalla’s shore.

They’re very drunk, and stock of mead is falling

And so they pray you’ll bless them now with more.

But come ye back when sunlight’s in the meadow

Or when your subjects lounge out on the fjord

And talk to me, future irrev’rant poet

In case you’re done fighting and very, very bjord.

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Coming Soon To The MCU: Night Owl

I’m tired and I’m sleepy

And I want to rest my mind,

But there is a problem

That I cannot leave behind:

As much as I need slumber

And as much as I need rest

Staying up unreasonably late

Is the one thing I do best.

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Some Assembly Required

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

Though it was obvious Humpty would die

Still the king said, “Give the horses a try!”

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First Date Conversations

There once was some rear pelvic part

That emitted the deadliest fart.

The gas from the bowels

Caused the most gruesome howls,

Worse even than most modern art.

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Colorful Language

Purple golden orange

Shines green in an azure pool.

What’s in these brownies?

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