Forged From A Different Mold

My head cannot comprehend sports

And my torso is lacking in muscle.

My legs do not look good in shorts

And my heart has a great dearth of hustle.

My hands and my eyes don’t play nicely

But one thing that I think is neat

Is that I have two assets precisely:

I have, not one, but two athlete’s feet!

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The Superhero Genre

Look! It’s a bad guy!

Let’s get punched a lot and then

Save the day again!

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Unfortunately It Requires Planning And Discipline, And Doesn’t Taste Like Pumpkin Spice

Imagine if there were a coffee

That energized you twice as well

And was also completely free…

Sounds like an easy sell!

I have such a solution for you

If my secret you can keep:

My secret coffee replacement brew

Is called “eight hours of sleep”.

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Ode To My Nerdy Wife

Oh Becky, dear Becky,

My beautiful wife,

Not unlike a fireball

You light up my life

By destroying the minions

Of boredom and blech,

All while making my lunches

And fixing my tech.

Some men are boastful

Of “bagging a 10”

But I think they should think

Of thinking again

For the 10’s of the world

Are numerous and plenty

Unlike you, my Becky,

My natural twenty.

I once had the gift

Of unlimited rhymes;

Now I cantrip you foot rubs

Unlimited times.

I can no longer go

Through a short or long rest

Without recalling reasons

Why you are the best.

Sometimes you don’t think so

And deny that you’re swell

To which I respond

With a swift counterspell.

Not unlike Oloro,

Whether present or not,

You made my life grow

From alone to a lot.

So thanks for forgiving

My photos so blurry,

For casting aside

Your long-distance worry,

For accepting my ring

And my oddness galore.

Now onward to love

For a few decades more!

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We’re From The Government And We’re Here To Help

There once was a system that worked

Which made administrative ears be perked

So they followed the scoop

And in they did swoop

And the system’s officially gurked.

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When In Rome (Or The Dangers Of Conformity)

I think Italians

Must have problems with their kids

Jumping off bridges

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Equity

There once was an academic class

That everyone would always pass,

So students did no work

And got A’s as a perk

And that’s why the job market’s ass.

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Wait… Did You Ask Why The End Of The Lines Don’t Rhyme? *Prepares Taser*

Too many monkeys jumping on the bed.

One fell off and cracked his head.

His mama called the doctor and the doctor said

“What kinda Planet of the Apes shit is going down at your house, monkey mama?!”

Lots of police men knocking at the door.

The doctor asks “what is this for?”

Police say, “violent language towards Simian-Americans. What’s more

“We’re revoking your medical license and giving you life without parole.”

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Artistry Vs. Imagery

Whoever invented the word “grotesque”

Deserves a raise. Alas

That went to the guy who named

The muddy brown parts of Earth “Morass”.

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The Rest Of This Poem Has Been Redacted For My Safety

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Why did Humpty Dumpty fall?

I am the mirror that sees all

And sometimes when the Clintons call…

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