If You’re Really Curious About The Consequences Though…

Never chew your eyebrows off.

“Why would I?” You surely scoff.

“And also how?” You’ll likely say.

If you so choose you’ll find a way.

Thus my warning: Please don’t try.

For this you’re welcome. Now good bye!

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*Grunt of Approval*

If I could be a goblin

A gremlin or a ghoul

I’d go to sleep at 3:00 AM

And never go to school.

I’d eat pancakes every day.

I’d be my own boss.

If I were a monster then

I might forget to floss.

My room would be all messy.

My hair would be a wreck.

I’d spend the morning mini-golfing

With the live-action cast of Shrek.

And then I’d murder someone

And get slaughtered by a knight.

Sure, I could be a goblin

But right now my life’s alright.

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How’s Life

Fourty percent happy boredom,

Thirty percent sleep

Five percent is stuff

Which, for this blog, is too deep,

Ten percent is glorious joy,

Nine percent is shame,

Five percent is wanting donuts,

One percent is “crap, what was that guy’s name?”

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My Pledge Fir Self-Improvement (Typo Not Originally Intended, But Also Left Uncorrected For Irony’s Sake)

I’ve done a bit of research

In a casual sort of way

And I noticed quite a pattern

In the things I’ve got to say.

If I write a poem

About my lack of motivation

After weeks of doing lots

It gets a digital standing ovation.

If instead my lazy poems

Come two right in a row

You tell me what “a pair” is

And that it’s something I should grow.

What I’ve concluded from this study

Of a couple offhand posts

Is that all is fine and dandy

With parodies and roasts

But when I’m being honest

With my slothful true demeanor

You fail to appreciate

How the browner grass is greener.

The stanza which precedes this one

May not make sense to you.

I don’t get it either

So I’ll tell you what we’ll do:

Go ahead and “like” this poem.

Go and comment and subscribe.

Share it, tweet it, email it,

And show it’s how you gibe!

Now when you disobey me

And this poem gets zero “likes”

I can get off my high horse

And quit downing Mike and Ikes

And maybe in the future

I’ll come to realize

That writing better mediocrity

Has value in your eyes.

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Spend Your Time Wisely, Else Your Life Will Be Like This Pathetic Excuse For A Poem (Sorry, Not Sorry)

Treason in a reason.

Treasure is a reasure.

This poem should be better

Based on how much time I have for leisure. 

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Just An Honest Reflection This Time (Plus Some Chihuly)

Getting up at 7:00 on a Saturday

Is the fate that awaits yours truly.

Maybe I wouldn’t have to

If I were a guy Dale Chihuly,

But I’m not an artist of fortune

Thus I cry “alack and alas!

“I’ve found my calling in bad poetry

When the real money’s in blowing of glass!”

So while my fate of rising early

Is sealed, as justly it should

At least I take heart in the knowlege

That the stakea are low if this poem ain’t good.

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Ode to Awesome Chickens (Guest Post from SB”CAG”BPCTWNMYB(P)

From Helen:

My chickens make me breakfast.

They’re the best that pets can get.

Eggs fried, poached, or scrambled,

And even omelette.

I object to killing chickens!

That’s simply just not right.

They give us free-range organic eggs

And even put themselves to bed at night.

Wyandots and Orpingtons,

Barred Rock, Black Copper Marans too.

If you sup on glorious chickens,

There’s something wrong with you!

My rooster calls out to his hens

for succulent treats like corn.

He guards against sneak hawk attacks

And even wakes me up in the morn.

Oh Eggs of many colors

My chickens lay for me.

Pink and blue and brown eggs

And even eggs of green.

My chicken each have fancy names

Miranda, Romona, and Stormy Blue.

You want to eat my pet chickens?

How could you! Shame on you!

If poultry poetry ain’t your thing,

I ask, Please don’t blame me.

All I did was complain about poultrycide,

Hence this bad poetry contest, You see?

Thanks Helen!

Do you think chickens are great and deserve to be recognized positively via the medium of mediocre poetry? Enter the Semi-Bicentennial “Chickens Are Good” Bad Poetry Contest That Won’t Make You Bald (Probably)!

Get the details here:

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