Sexy pillow fights
Probably aren’t as fun to watch
If you are a goose.
It Sounds Latin, So That’s A Bonus
If you purchased a domain name
And nobody impeded it
You could sell it for a fortune
To a company who needed it.
Just think of things like X.com
MySpace, Roflol, or MAGA;
If you owned any of those sites
You could earn a big old bagga
Cash. So I propose to you
The greatest oversight
That could make you a millionaire
Potentially overnight:
There is a thriving industry
For the friend of Harry and Tom…
I suggest someone should purchase
DickusEnlargicus.com
Filed under Poems
The Best Medicine
Moreso than drugs or heart disease,
Moreso than any tumor,
Most tragedies in life are caused
By lacking a sense of humor.
Filed under Poems
5 ≠ 5
If you go forty miles per hour
In a thirty-five zone
Most people would agree
To leave well enough alone.
But if you’re going thirty
In that same thirty-five space
I have for you bad news
About the future of your face.
Filed under Poems
Viagra For Dummies
If you don’t read these directions
Enjoy your twelve hour erections.
Filed under Poems
5689 (Making Lemonade)
Tonight I logged onto my blog
Although the hour was late
And saw that people liked my post
Just called “5688”.
Apparently my mind designed
To make my memory marred
To the degree that writing out
A title was too hard.
But mind, I am resilient!
Your trick’s a hidden blessing!
Now I know how many posts
I’ve written without guessing.
So here’s to poem 5689
And the many more to come;
The great, the late, on every date
And, most of all, the dumb.
Filed under Poems
Fourteen years ago today
I published my first rhyme
And here I am, much balder,
Still writing after all this time.
When I was young and spritely
I’d write some fourteen lines
But now, older and wiser,
I think that eight is fine.
Filed under Poems
YouTube Circa 1564
Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate
For thou hast used our deodorant spray
And got ten percent off with code “Sonnet”.
Sometimes too hot the eye of Heaven shines
But thy armpits know no unwelcome wet.
Aluminum and pareben free, thine’s
The finest deodorant on the net.
Thus thy eternal Summer shall not fade
Nor sweat defile the dryness of they blouse
Nor shall death brag thou wand’rest in his shade
For thou art fresh as if stay’d in thy house.
This deal shall last not longer than a day
So click mine link affiliate and slay.
Filed under Poems
The Archives Were Consulted
One day before you joined the world
Lufthansa airlines formed.
Then nothing historical happened for four days.
That’s because by being born
Our hearts were properly warmed
And the world sat back and let your glory blaze.
After you joined the world
Pope Pius X became a saint,
Which I know your Catholic interests already knew.
What was never told outright
Is that he was the second saint
To join the canon. Of course the other one was you.
After you came things like Velcro
And the integrated circuit.
By seven you could play with cordless drills.
Later on was born your man
And after that a Sony Walkman
Could give you on-the-go musical thrills.
So we’ve established that you’re old
But our hearts have not grown cold
Since your little saintly self did first appear,
So I wish a happy birthday
To my best and only mother
And wish that this will be your next best year.
Filed under Poems
Eye See What You Did There
If you really squint
You’ll get much better at math.
Sincerely, China.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 