There once was fish that was blue
And instead of just one there were two
And another was black.
Red you say? That sounds wack!
And also the fish were gay too.
This Is Probably Less Funny In Hebrew
And the Lord said unto Abraham
“You shall not eat unclean animals.
“Also, guess what I decided to name pig meat?”
Filed under Poems
How Today’s High Schoolers Learned To Read
A is for abbreviation
Which means shortening things.
Z is for zat’s all folks,
Now go do kid things.
Filed under Poems
A Portrait Of The Artist As A Working Adult
Sometimes I am sleepy
So I write a haiku
To fulfill my daily promise
Of writing poems for you.
Sometimes the day after
My sleepiness departs
And I grace you with a poem
About love or dogs or farts.
Other times my sleepiness
Remains in all it’s splendor
For sleep has been neglected
By me, it’s sworn defender.
And so on such occasions,
Hypothetical as they may be,
I write two haikus in a row
(And sometimes even three)
But tonight I use a tactic
Less observed but just as smart:
I write about my writer’s block
And pass it off as art.
Filed under Poems
Growing Big And Strong
When I was a kid I ate mac and cheese;
Now I eat pasta au gratin.
I used to eat hot dogs with ketchup;
Now I eat bratwurst. Ooh la lan.
I used to eat burgers and french fries;
Now I order steaks frites on a bun
But the day I stop eating potato volcanos
Is when childhood’s really done.
Filed under Poems
Tails, You Lose
Mermaids tried to lure my friend Seth
To his untimely maritime death.
They were lithe and coquettish
But Seth has a foot fetish
And has yet to draw his final breath.
Filed under Poems
What Comic Books Taught Me
We’ve gone from two-parent families
To a lot of divided tribes
Where a single mom or dad
Gets by on pizza and vibes.
But if we go one step farther
And increase the orphan count
We should see the number of superheroes
Increase by a not-small amount.
Filed under Poems
Over Time, This Is Guaranteed To Reduce Traffic
Instead of red lights
We can just have free-for-alls
At the four-way stops.
Filed under Poems
Like A Back Yard, But For Everyone
I want to open an amusement park
That’s a bunch of fire pits
And comfy private toilets
For comfy private shits
Where men can sit in silence
And stare into the void.
It’d be the happiest place on earth
‘Til some white chick gets annoyed.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 