After Colonoscopy Comes Horoscopy

The nurse said “I’m Aquarius!”

The lab tech said “I’m Virgo!”

I said “I’m a Cancer!”

The doctor said “I know.”

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Coping

I’m reading a book recommended to me

By a woman whom I once adored.

I’m reading, avoiding inviting the world

For the world leaves me feeling ignored.

I make friends with a spider I’m terrified of

Who lives on my white bedroom wall;

I know he deserves life as much as I do

Even though he is creepy and small.

I’m wearing soft clothing, lying and waiting

And writing a poem in bed,

Remembering over and over forever

The words that I felt and I said.

I’m hearing the lawnmower, water through pipes,

The cars on the road passing by

Destined to be somewhere other than here

And I can’t help my wondering why.

Why is the grass not allowed to be growing?

Why must the spider bring fear?

Why do the people drive quickly to elsewhere

When they know they will end up back here?

Why do I care for an author’s opinion?

Why can’t I love people less?

All I can do is get up and keep smiling

And be me: a beautiful mess.

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Oooh Yeah… Daddy Sauron Is Goblin Me Up…

I some some little known facts

About some popular things,

Like how in the very first draft

Of Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings”

Mount Doom was not a volcano

But instead a magnificent gorge

In which Sauron demanded

His orcs run a magical forge.

Luckily, one clever editor

Got to give his final say:

“I think the ‘quest to Orc-Chasm‘

“Could be said in a most awkward way.”

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This Is (Insert B-List Celebrity Here) Reminding You That Good People Don’t Bomb Each Other

I’m sitting here in the airport

Listening to celebrities giving PSA’s

And I’m wondering which is more painful:

Selling out that much

Or that my taxes paid for them.

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Today’s White House News

Today a man who made himself

And all his staff exempt

From being vaccinated

Most audaciously has dreamt

That those who didn’t get a shot

That doesn’t stop the spread

Are somehow the ones responsible

That twelve more folks are dead.

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Women Will Change You

There once was a man named Beyoncé

Who wanted to have a fiancee

But the girls were all like

“Why’s your name not like ‘Mike?’”

Now he goes by his middle name: Chauncey.

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“F*ck Your Freedom” -Howard Stern

Last year we learned about a cold

That you can’t tell if you’ve got

So the only logical thing to do

Is mandate a mystery shot

That does not stop the spreading

Or the catching of diseases

Because, after all, our liberty

Is whatever our overlord pleases.

Just because it caused a clot

That killed my uncle Stu

Doesn’t mean it isn’t something

Everyone must do!

So why not be a good little sheep

And get your Covid shot?

And if you do in the next 12 hours

We’ll give you some free pot!

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Male Black Widow Problems

Today is Friday night.

I’m with my darling wife.

We’re gonna have some crazy sex

‘Cause I am done with life.

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Okay Zoomer

In the future, little kids

Will visit their Grandma’s houses

And bring along 3D-printed candy

And all four of their spouses

And in between rounds of “Doom 35”

Grandma will tell the tale

Of how when she was a little boy

It was hip to say “epic fail.”

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Just About Life

Just about everyone has asked “What’s the meaning of life.”

Just about everyone has learned the answer.

What got lost was that they weren’t asking the right question

And the right question is:

“Have I ever been unhappy?”

If you say “no,” then you apparently know the meaning of life already

But just about everyone says “Yes, I’ve been unhappy.”

And the right question continues:

“Have I ever been happy?”

And if you say “no” then you need to keep reading

But just about everyone says “Yes, I’ve been happy.”

And the right question continues:

“So what happened that made you change

“From being unhappy to being happy?”

There are many answers to this question

And just about all the answers are correct:

When you were born and became distinct from mother, you were unhappy

And when mother held you you were happy

And so the meaning of life is to be held and loved.

When you were scared and confused and lost, you were unhappy

And when you got comfort, knowledge, direction you were happy

And these too are the meaning of life.

When you were sad, you laughed.

When you were alone, you fell in love.

When you were hungry you ate.

When you were tired you slept.

When you couldn’t go on, you kept going.

Every single time you’ve been unhappy you did something joyful.

Every time you were hopeless you hoped one more time

And when you couldn’t, the universe gave you hope from outside yourself.

The meaning of life is about becoming happy

And if you’re happy you can’t become happy.

Life is the opposite of unhappiness

And so happiness is life.

If you are unhappy, you are alive,

If you are happy, you are living,

And when you make your final choice in this life, choose to be happy again

Because just about everyone can.

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