English 101

There once was a five paragraph essay

That had one compelling thing to say

Then repeated that message

Twice, then thrice for to stressage

That there once was a five paragraph essay.

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There once was a man from Humptulips

Who worked in a restaurant for a few tips.

He made decent money

But mostly it’s just funny

That there’s an actual town called Humptulips.

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Sick Day Haiku

I am sick tonight

Full of aches and pains and snot…

But the bat tastes good!

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Somewhere In California

My man bought a Tesla

Which would normally be fun

But it came with a purse

And his hair’s now a bun.

I told him I liked him

Because he was manly.

Now he’s leaving me

For his old roommate, Stanley.

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Streaming Exclusively On Disney Plus

I think it would be fun

If they made a new Jumanji movie

But it was a free-to-play mobile Jumanji

And they spent all five hours of the movie

Grinding for Jumanjewels

Before they gave up and decided

The old, murdery Jumanji

Wasn’t that bad after all…

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Yeah, It’s Annoying, Isn’t It! (My Next Poem Will Be Split Into Two Posts For Length)

There once was a cinematic sequel

With a cliffhanger end like no equal.

The heroes were shocked

When the villain they mocked

Turned out to be…

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Growing Up

It snowed! It snowed!


It’s fluffy and white

And a plush poofy poodle.

They’ll close all the schools

And as a result

I’ll be even more disappointed

That I’m an adult.

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Midweek Passion

Baby, when I look at you

All sexy Thursday night

I think of how you’d look if you

Would move towards the right

And stand beside the TV screen

All cute. I want to cheer

‘Cause I can watch the game again.

Oh hey, grab me a beer!

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When Vegetarians Snap

There once was a Chihuahua from next door

That barked, whined, and then barked more.

Eventually he died

And nobody cried.

In other news, now I’m a carnivore.

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Tyranny Bugs Me

There they were, two armies,

One in black and one in red

Swarming from their anthill

Knowing one must soon be dead.

One was sponsored by Les Schwab Tires,

The other by Steve’s Work Pants.

One army shouted “We will be victorious!”

The other screamed “Death to tire ants!”

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