I used to dread going to parties
And talking to strangers all night.
Then I learned all about hemorrhoids
And now parties feel all right.
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The necromancer, Sauron,
Was pondering his life:
No pesky job to go to,
No annoying, naggy wife.
He wished to live forever
So he made a magic ring
That would make him both immortal
And in charge of everything.
Deep in the fine print
Of this magical ring contract
Made the only way to break the ring
A particular lava contact,
And yet a little hobbit
Bypassed this security.
If only Sauron had the foresight
To beg advice from me
For I know an alternative
That might just have saved him:
In order to destroy the One Ring
You must cancel membership for the gym.
Filed under Poems
When You Started A Poem On Valentine’s Day, But Couldn’t Find The Perfect Similes ‘Til Now
I love you
Like city officials love roundabouts
And bicycle lanes
And sidewalks with little gardens
That make them impossible to traverse.
I need you
Like white girls need artisan coffee
With little flowers made of milk
And 27 makeup brushes
To achieve that perfect “no makeup” look.
I want you
Not quite as much as I want trading cards
But pretty close,
Especially when you’re not all hormonal
And don’t talk too much.
Your boobs are nice too.
Filed under Poems
Musician Uniforms
Black shirt plus cat hair
Makes the maestro panic ‘til
Sticky roller comes.
Filed under Poems
When You Add AI…
Duolingo used to teach
Useful phrases like:
“I want to eat a dinosaur”
And “My dog can ride a bike”.
Now it tells you stories
Like “Hi Lucy, I’m making bread.”
“Thank you, Junior. I saw a ghost.”
Then ask, “Which word means ‘head?’”
Filed under Poems
The Best Part Of Waking Up
Pooping is great!
Pooping is fun!
Just sit on the toulet
And ploop! You’re all done!
Or if you are male
And/or have a phone
Pooping can give you
An hour alone!
Filed under Poems
Test Scores Declining = Ineffective Terminators
What if a time traveler became a teacher
And for a few decades or so
Just didn’t teach people to write
Because they already know
That AI will destroy the world
And our only hope are those
Who trained the AI how to write
Using their own terrible prose?
Filed under Poems
The Lube Job
I can’t afford to pay a dominatrix.
Their fee is simply too high to abide,
So when I want to be whipped and degraded
I turn on the “check engine” light in my ride.
Filed under Poems
The Beginning Of A Grand Adventure
Somewhere far beyond these walls
Walking amidst the eldritch halls
Are dwarves and elves and even men
Saying, “Damn GPS screwed up again.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 