If I were better

If I were better looking
I might’ve turned out vainer,
And fighting off all my admirers
Could be an energy drainer.

If I were affluenter
I’d have a doctorate degree
And I’d spend all of our evenings
Psychoanalyzing me.

If I were much more charming
I’d deserve a laurel wreath
And I could blind you accidentally
With the gleaming of my teeth.

If I were any better
I would surely be much worse
So quit whining and accept me
And stop being so darn terse.