Some people say a football player
Is really, really large.
What’s bigger than a football player
Is probably a barge.
What’s bigger than a barge
Is a thousand-trillion ants.
Nothing bigger than that
Exists outside my pants.
Tag Archives: Men
All Shapes And Sizes
If you’re 4’11
You can bear Sauron’s ring.
If you’re 6’11
You’re like Karl Malone.
If you’re 7’11
You can sell slurpies.
If you’re 5’11
You’re forever alone.
Filed under Poems
She Had A Babyface… He Was One
When you think of rings you think “wedding,”
And you think that a heel is a shoe.
When I think of rings my mind goes to wrestling
And a heel is the guy people boo.
You think that dropkicking somebody is crazy
And I think it’s living the life
And that, my dear lady, is just one of the reasons
You won’t be this wrestler’s wife!
Filed under Poems
My Dating Algorithm (1-10)
To find a man’s value
Divide his income by 10,000
Then subtract two to compensate.
To find a woman’s value
Call her a ten
(If she has a penis, call her an eight).
Filed under Poems
Bikinis
One thing I don’t understand:
Why men who stare are loathed.
If a woman is ninety-percent naked
Men just look at what is clothed!
Filed under Poems
Wise Men Know How To Stall
For every man there comes a day
When he must expel waste
And, being in a hurry,
Seeks to urinate with haste.
Soon after, they discover
As their throat fill up with phlegm
That their quest will be a failure…
Someone’s peeing next to them.
They stand in awkward silence,
As the urinals don’t sing
For as much as they both need to
They cannot eject a thing
And thus they close their zippers
And proceed to wash their hands
And go on with screaming bladders
To fulfill their life’s demands.
Filed under Poems
Truth Hurts
She said “You’re too accommodating
“And also get defensive a lot.”
I said “That’s fine, we’ll work it out
“And also, no I’m not.”
Filed under Poems
