What if men who’re two feet tall
Are the physical ideal,
The epitome of manliness
With endless lust and zeal?
All the women saying
They prefer a taller guy
Have never seen a two-foot man…
True candy for the eye!
And although such small men are rare,
Precious and petite,
A man who’s 2-foot-6 or so
Is also really neat.
In fact, any guy beneath three feet
Is a slice of masculine heaven
Unless, of course, the manlet stands
Ladies: I am five-foot-two,
Bald, and overweight
With a salary four figures long
And a commemorative bowling plate.
Now sure, I know you’re thinking
“Does he know how bad that sounds?”
Well… if they circumcised me
I would lose 100 pounds…
“A picture’s worth a thousand words”
Said Arthur Norman Kuntz.
“Thus, women speak in imagery
“And speak mostly grunts.”
If you have a friend who is male
Here’s a game that will never get stale:
Find a sports team or three,
Guess who’ll win, disagree…
You’ll be right half the time without fail!
Last night I read the Bible
‘Cause I was just that bored.
Apparently, “No one whose testicles have been crushed
Or whose penis has been cut off
May be admitted into the company of the Lord.”
So when you settle differences
With fists, and feet as well,
Just remember, a kick to the balls
Is literally a ticket to Hell!
If you play songs
In a rock and roll band
That includes no member
With a mammary gland,
Everyone has Y chromosomes
And speaks in few words
Then you might be a band
But you’re sure not The Birds…
Sometimes we go shopping
Because we have needs
Like cardamom, five-spice,
And sunflower seeds,
A packet of seaweed
Perhaps we might splurge
For a mint-in-box toy.
When we feel spendy
Perhaps we will pounce
On a bottle of wine
That we cannot pronounce
And then at the end
We’ll return home again
And eat yesterday’s ramen
Because we are men.
Childbirth is painful for women
And ball-kickage is painful for men
But after it’s done only one
Waits teo years, then says “Do it again!”
I used to be a Dodo bird
But then I went extinct.
I came back as a Quagga
And then a Cape Verde Great Skink.
I’ve been a Passenger Pigeon
And even a Lesser Bilby.
I’ve yet to be a 5’11 male human
But soon, I fear, I will be…
Until we meet my bed is made,
My shirts are pressed, my bills are paid,
My car is washed, as is my hair
Because you might be anywhere.
Until we meet I’ll laugh and smile.
I’ll be polite and dress in style.
I’ll tip well and I’ll laugh a lot
And hope that your eye will be caught.
Until we meet I’ll be a saint,
Speak properly and not say “ain’t,”
And when you’ve sworn off other men
Then I can be a dick again!