Tag Archives: Men

This Is Why We Have Pets…

If I had a chicken sandwich

For every time I ever farted

My death by starvation would be queuing.

If I had a chicken sandwich

For every time I lied

You’d never hear my farts above the chewing.

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*Grunt, Impale Worm On Hook, Lifelong Companion*

Women will talk to their friends

About what their friends would say

If they knew what someone whose not their friend

Said “Hi” instead of “Hey”.

They’ll whisper all about a person’s

Clothes or hair or walk.

Guys don’t have this problem

Because male friends don’t talk.

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Dear Ladies, Love Men

My girl made me a sandwich

And left a little note:

“Sandwich in the fridge. I love you!”

That was all she wrote.

That was all I needed

To get me through the day

And made every struggle, small and large,

Seem perfectly okay.

So when your boyfriend, husband,

Or another man declares

“Go make me a sandwich”

It shows you that he cares

Enough about your love to ask

For what he really needs.

If you want true love to grow

That’s how to sow the seeds.

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When Thy Quarry Escapeth And Thy Counterpart Is Not Amusethed

The itsy-bitsy spider

Was sitting on the floor,

Having a rest

Beneath the cabinet door.

I came to smash him

And end his worthless life

But he crawled away to safety…

Now I have to face the wife.

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Stuff People Like

Cars and sports and guns and sports

And balls and boobs and mustard:

These (plus sports) are what guys like;

Other stuff makes them flustered.

I would write another poem

About what women like too

But they just can’t even anymore

And if you don’t know, they won’t tell you.

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I’ve Got Bread, Plenty Of Dough, I Bring Home The Bacon, And Yet…

I have a six pack

Of orange creamsicles.

I have 12 inches

Of beef jerky sticks.

I go all night

When I chew my dill pickles,

And somehow I can’t seem

To pick up the chicks…

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Why I Love The 4th of July, Middle School Boy Edition

If not for British taxes

And the redcoats being weenies

We might not have these fireworks

And Stars-and-Stripes bikinis,

So I for one am grateful

For wigs and wasted tea

‘Cause now there’s baseball, big buffets,

And other big things that start with “B”.

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Sonnet For A Washcloth

Textured washcloth in a pastel color,

I love how my skin you exfoliate.

You make my oily skin look so duller;

For your great glory, I extoll ye, mate!

When I am lonely and in a great need

Of very crude and masculine release

I need no manual to for to read

To help you bring me to a restful peace.

You cost so little, less than fifty cents

And you loyally last my whole life long;

Textured pastel washcloth, I ask you whence

Did you become so grand, forever strong?

You are more than just a cheap toiletry;

You, my washcloth, are the best part of me!

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An Important Choice

If I were a chess piece

I think I be a rook

Because I sit in corners

If just to read a book,

I like to walk in long straight lines

And don’t think it’s a hassle

When somebody mistakenly

Refers to me as “Castle.”

I’m not pious for bishopping,

Too smart to be a pawny thing,

I lack the boobs to be a queen

Or the balls to be a king…

So it’s either rook, or else a knight

Who’s called a horse sometimes…

Actually, I’m not hung like a rook…

I’m changing my choice. This line rhymes.

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Just Another Way Men Are Casually Oppressed

All the women who play video games

And complain about bikini armor

Never seem to complain about how

Swords and arrows never harm her,

But men are stuck with heavy armor

Instead of a chainmail thong

Because if men could wear female armor

They’d be unbelievably strong.

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