Tag Archives: Men

Deuteronomy 23:2

Last night I read the Bible

‘Cause I was just that bored.

Apparently, “No one whose testicles have been crushed

Or whose penis has been cut off

May be admitted into the company of the Lord.”

So when you settle differences

With fists, and feet as well,

Just remember, a kick to the balls

Is literally a ticket to Hell!

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Boy Bands

If you play songs

In a rock and roll band

That includes no member

With a mammary gland,

Everyone has Y chromosomes

And speaks in few words

Then you might be a band

But you’re sure not The Birds…

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But Honey… We Have Needs

Sometimes we go shopping

Because we have needs

Like cardamom, five-spice,

And sunflower seeds,

A packet of seaweed

And kale-chips-ahoy!

Perhaps we might splurge

For a mint-in-box toy.

When we feel spendy

Perhaps we will pounce

On a bottle of wine

That we cannot pronounce

And then at the end

We’ll return home again

And eat yesterday’s ramen

Because we are men.

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The Debate Is Over

Childbirth is painful for women

And ball-kickage is painful for men

But after it’s done only one

Waits teo years, then says “Do it again!”

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Extinction, Past and Future

I used to be a Dodo bird

But then I went extinct.

I came back as a Quagga

And then a Cape Verde Great Skink.

I’ve been a Passenger Pigeon

And even a Lesser Bilby.

I’ve yet to be a 5’11 male human

But soon, I fear, I will be…

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Something To Look Forward To

Until we meet my bed is made,

My shirts are pressed, my bills are paid,

My car is washed, as is my hair

Because you might be anywhere.

Until we meet I’ll laugh and smile.

I’ll be polite and dress in style.

I’ll tip well and I’ll laugh a lot

And hope that your eye will be caught.

Until we meet I’ll be a saint,

Speak properly and not say “ain’t,”

And when you’ve sworn off other men

Then I can be a dick again!

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Manly Sea Captain Poems

I was a pirate cap’n

A’sail upon the sea

And I’d laugh at the other ships

When they would try to flee.

I’d sail up behind ’em

And though they might protest

I’d grab ’em by the booty

At my cap’nly behest!

——————————————————–

When your captain is a man

“Land ho!” is often said.

When your captain isn’t

They shout “Land, hoe!” Instead.

——————————————————–

When I became a captain

I quit being a virgin

Thanks to an encounter

That I had with a sturgeon!

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How (And Why) Men Think

This is not a poem. I just saved you 3-5 minutes. You’re welcome.

In college, I was often told by professors not to begin essays with a definition. Having had a terrible college experience and feeling tremendous spite for the aforementioned professors, I now present Merriam-Webster’s definition of economics:

A social science concerned chiefly with description and analysis of the production, distribution, and consumption of goods and services

Having graduated with honors with my degree in economics six years prior to writing this essay and having since enjoyed a long and profitable career in the disciplines of music, poetry, and comedy, I have come to realize that my degree in economics is roughly equivalent to a degree in women’s studies, but with fewer scholarship opportunities. Pursuing that thought to it’s ultimate conclusion, I realized that a degree in economics is essentially a degree in men’s studies, minus history and practical job skills.

Much of economics is considered with the idea of equilibrium, a condition in which all things are balanced and to which all things would return if governments would quit screwing everything up. Men’s lives are likewise drawn continuously to equilibrium, as can be demonstrated by the following thought experiment:

Imagine a man is at home. It can be any time or location, because those don’t actively concern our imagined man. Our man is in a state of equilibrium. The doorbell might ring, a volcano could erupt, a poet could make a meaningful contribution to society (not really), but a man would not stir from equilibrium. The only thing that can stir a man from equilibrium is the power of thought, thus leading to most men’s aversion to thinking.

Our hypothetical man has a thought: He is hungry. Being hungry is not as comfortable as being in equilibrium, so the man assigns a negative value to his situation. He realizes the only way to regain equilibrium is by inputting positive stimuli to counteract his hunger, and he begins to calculate…

The man could fix himself a gourmet, nine-course French dinner, eliminating his hunger but placing him in a difficult position of over-stimulation. He would have to correct the over-stimulation through negative actions, such as getting up, learning to cook, and thinking about France, and he concludes that this course of action would result in a situation more negative than being hungry. The idea is summarily dismissed.

Next the man gauges that, although getting up is inevitable, walking distance and effort in food preparation can objectively be minimized through careful planning (the man is no longer afraid to think, being in a state of disequilibrium). He identifies the closest food that doesn’t require preparation, acquires the food, eats one box of dry raisin bran and a tin of Fancy Feast, then returns to his chair. He reevaluates his situation, realizes he is no longer hungry, and happily reenters equilibrium until, by nature or accident, he is again forced to think.

Now, not all disequilibrium is negative. A Man can add positive stimulation to his life by turning on the TV, passing gas, or momentarily enjoying the fact that his cat has died, so he need not replace the Fancy Feast can he just ate. Some men, however, suffer a particularly gruesome thought known as ambition, leaving them in a state of long-term disequilibrium solved only by progressively more grandiose positive stimuli, like fishing or car-ownership. To counteract these huge positive stimuli and return to equilibrium, these ambitious men generally resort to two extremes: Women and Work.

Work is generally the safer option, and most men (even the unambitious) partake in it to some extent. The tremendous negative stimulus of work yields a positive counter-stimulus in the form of money, which can be exchanged for new TVs and motivational posters reminding them not to adopt another cat. Women are the more extreme solution, yielding extreme highs and lows and requiring careful balancing, often resulting in more thought and yielding negative consequences for thoughtlessness that did not exist before the introduction of women.

To those still skeptical, quit reading. If you found this essay dull, go watch TV to reestablish equilibrium. If you enjoyed this essay, watch an Amy Schumer comedy special. If you are a woman, neither of these solutions will likely satisfy you because your mind does not naturally gravitate towards constant equilibrium. If this is the case, I present you with one final story:

A child is born. This makes the child very unhappy, and, being male, it introduces the positive stimulus of screaming and shouting about nothing in particular to resume equilibrium. At other times, it finds a breast within easy reach and, to counteract this new positive stimulus, it defecates on itself. These two cycles continue for some time until nature plays the cruel trick of developing sentience in the young human.

The young human enjoys a few years of mostly unobjectionable life, wherein it is given copious amounts of candy and toys in return for reductions in its odious personal habits. After this joyful era, however, comes school. School, being designed to constantly introduce new stimulation without adequate balancing in the form of idle mindlessness, causes great stress to the young human, and it responds by being a tiny demon until puberty.

When the child reaches puberty, he gains two useful abilities for counteracting the negative effects of school. First is the ability to stare mindlessly at women. Second is the heightened social acceptability of hitting each other, also known as sports. For the remainder of the male human’s life, sports and idle staring at women will occupy the majority of its waking hours. These two activities also frequently lead to ambition, whether to excel at sports (or at least get hit less by those who do), more actively interact with women, or stare idly at parts of women they are less inclined to show men who do not excel at sports. Enter work and women, followed by death.

In conclusion (another wonderful saying my professors told me not to use), comprehension of male thought and the corrective behavior that follows it can be enhanced by the study of economics. That’s pretty much the whole conclusion, but schooling has permanently damaged by ability to allow a conclusion to a single sentence. Don’t adopt a cat.

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When You’re A Cop, She Knows A Lawyer, And #MeToo Is Trending

I looked at her chest

And she called me rude

Though she walked down the street

Ninety-eight percent nude.

Yes, she was a burglar

But she had a vag

So I saved myself trouble

And turned in my badge.

I wanted to uphold

The laws of the land

But somewhere the culture

Got quite out of hand.

Had I filmed the occasion

‘Twould be legal, but hey!

Now I play “Call Of Duty”

And tell folks I’m gay.

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Thus Endeth The Renaissance

Her hobbies are dressing provocatively

Then adding a dog’s nose and ears,

Posting pictures of asses to inspire the masses

That love’s always stronger than fears.

My hobbies are murdering aliens

And playing professional ball,

Though I sometimes relax by swinging an ax

And sometimes by catching ’em all.

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