Tag Archives: Men

The Most Romantic Poem Ever That No Woman Will Understand

When my team is 8 and 6

And my fantasy QB gets sick

You’re the RB1 I start

And throw to when the ground is slick.

You’re the treadmill at the gym

In front of the TV

Where I can watch the Yankees lose

With nobody in front of me.

You’re someone I never thought

Was real, but here you are!

Like a white guy who hates frisbee sports

And never tried to learn guitar.

When I hold your hand I feel

Like I am good at math,

And if you asked me nicely

I might even take a bath.

I think you’re pretty naked

Or in a muumuu, though

I doubt there is a clothing item

That could dull your glow.

I would window shop with you

On our anniversary,

And when you sleep, on the toilet’s edge

I aim so you don’t hear me pee.

You smell like guacamole

And when you hold me tight

I forget to pull my belly in

And I know the world’s alright.

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The Heart Of Man

Sometimes when you look at me

Wide-eyed, uncertain,

The endless doubt and weariness fade

And I hold your hand softly

And kiss you gently;

My whole ego becomes weightless

And I know that I have you

And I don’t deserve you

And I would die a thousand times

To be with you just an hour more.

Sometimes when you look at me

Silently, deeply,

I know exactly how your heart

Is full of warm Summer breezes

And hibernating mammals

Warm in each others’ embrace

Beneath a cold, uncaring world.

Sometimes when you look at me

Gently, longingly,

I wonder how on earth

A stacked team like Rams

Can lose to the freakin’ 49ers in primetime;

Then I try to look at your tits

Without you noticing.

I can’t.

This is what it means to be a man.

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Daddy Is The Child, While The Daddy Is Childish

If I were a professional athlete

Who married a supermodel

And knew my progeny’s eventual genes

Would be cranking out talent full-throttle

I think I would name my son “Daddy”

Just to see the look on some faces

Whenever my son is revealed as the one

Who wins all the games and the races.

“Oh yes, Daddy’s enormous”

All the commentators would say

“And Daddy’s been known to dominate

“Everybody who stands in his way.”

Let’s say Daddy learned to play hockey…

I think that would sound pretty slick:

“Daddy comes quickly towards the goal!

“I love how he handles his stick!”

Daddy could master the breast stroke,

Or hook up with a tight end,

Dribble his ball for a lay-in

Or illegally use his hands “to defend.”

Yes, my athletic son Daddy

Would make even golf fun to watch…

But alas, God made me a poet

And no athlete shall be conceived by my crotch.

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A New Study Finds All This Began In 1960 When A Straight White Man Refused To Get Vaccinated

The average guy is a virgin.

The average girl is a hoe.

You can get a college degree

To combat toxic masculinity…

How’d we get here? I don’t know.

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To Serve and Protect…

Women live longer

Than men, this is true,

But how many women

Say “I’d die for you”?

Men on the other hand

Say it a lot,

So men must die younger

‘Cause women are hot.

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Being Humble Is Almost As Hard As My Abs

I know I need to be humble,

To be a non-judgmental guy,

But if I said that was easy

What I say would be a lie.

The fact of the matter is I am just

Incredible, without a doubt

To the point where the lesbians love me

And the straightest of men will come out.

When I step out of bed in the morning

The sun is ashamed to be seen

Because how can a glorious light like that

Compare to me? Know what I mean?

So yes, in my mind I’m aware

That humility would serve me well

So I offer my prayers to Heaven…

The same Heaven from which I fell ; )

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Everyman

Somewhere near you is a man

Who has a loaded gun

And a heart full of unspoken pain.

He cannot see the sun,

Nor can he hear the laughter

Of the squirrels and birds and trees.

He walks upright, but out of sight

He’s fallen to his knees.

Somewhere there’s another man –

It might even be you –

Who gives the first a little nod

That says “I feel it too.”

And sometimes just a nod like that

Is all you need to say

To help a wounded warrior

Put the loaded gun away.

You don’t need superpowers

Or a cape to save the day.

Smiling is enough sometimes

To make the world okay.

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When The Kisses Miss The Missus

When you refuse my kiss

I feel something’s amiss.

When you deny my peck

I think “What the heck?”

When you dodge my caress

I feel some duress.

When you deny being osculated

I feel emosculated.

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This Poem Brought To You By Our Sponsor, “Sir Alabaster Thoroughgood”

There are only two types of men

That I have ever met:

The type who name their genitals

And the type who aren’t born yet.

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Gentlemen Prefer Stalls

Still as a statue,

Deer in the headlights,

Sleeps like a baby,

Calm as can be;

These things are common

But nothing comes close

To how still is my bladder

When you stand next to me.

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