Tag Archives: Men

How To Be Popular

If I had breath like Godzilla

And my sneeze were a nuclear blast

I still wouldn’t like playing kickball

But at least I’d get picked before last.

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Let’s Go Avs!

My girl said “[Name]

“You can watch the game.”

Now I’m watching men skate

And good poems can wait.

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‘Merica Loves The Draft

Today’s the day that giant men

Who some describe as “ballers”

Get called by teams of athletes

To play games for millions of dollars

And older guys who used to play

And that one blonde chick enumerate

The reason why that particular guy

Will make their newfound team great.

Meanwhile, men who’re five-foot-two

But also weigh 300 pounds

Sit in bars and pound their chests

And buy each other rounds.

And somehow through the fog

Of testosterone and concealed erections

This moment matters more to most

Than national elections.

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A Boy Becomes A Man (Mouse Saga Pt. 2)

Snap crackle pop

Is the sound you hear

When you pour rice crispies

And have some fun.

Snap crackle pop

May also appear

When the mouse trap makes

Your husbandly duties done.

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Cologne Options

Fresh cut french fries,

Lavender breeze,

Dusty sweat after a ballgame,

The salt of the seas,

Lime, peaches, and sunflowers,

Grandma’s garlic spaghetti:

Yet you decided to spritz on

“Testosterone Yeti.”

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Birth, Youth, Life, Dying, Hell

To buy a shiny dump truck toy;

The dream of every little boy.

A loud and topless red machine;

The dream of every male teen.

A pickup and a minivan;

A father, yes, but still a man.

A growling beaut older than he;

A man who can no longer see.

An environmentally friendly car;

Wait, f*** that s***! You’ve gone too far!

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My Fiancee Made Me Watch A Barbie Movie

There once was a prince named Stefon

Who met a fantabulous blon

De girl with long hair

And there was love everywhere

And oh god, please rescue me! I’ve made a terrible mistake! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

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Some Day My Wife Will Hear Me Singing This And She’ll Slip Quietly Out The Back And Never Be Seen Again

Hush little baby! Don’t you cry

Or I’ll play you an elephant lullaby

And all that trumpeting hurts your ears

And sure, maybe daddy’s had one too many beers…

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Betting On A Diamond

You couldn’t love a gambling man,

A pal who plays the odds,

Who shakes the dice and throws a wrench

In the plans of man and Gods.

You said you’d never take a chance

On a poker-faced son

But I’d bet if you took a chance

You’d find me pretty fun.

You used to ace your math exams.

You were the queen of school

But the odds weren’t in your favor

With Jack, the king of cool.

Jack would have told you “yes, of course”

If you asked him to dance

But no-go there! You didn’t dare

To take this simple chance.

So Jack’s bad luck’s my inside straight

So let me take the shot:

If you give me your hand of fate

You may just win a lot.

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Hygiene Standards

I walked down the rows

Of “Bed, Bath, and Beyond“

Smelling hand soaps with names

Like “Starlight” and “Palm Frond”.

Then I left to go back

To “Bob’s Soap Retailer”

Where they sell soap called “White”

And “Hope She Lets You Impale ‘Er”.

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