Tag Archives: Men

My Fiancee Made Me Watch A Barbie Movie

There once was a prince named Stefon

Who met a fantabulous blon

De girl with long hair

And there was love everywhere

And oh god, please rescue me! I’ve made a terrible mistake! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

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Some Day My Wife Will Hear Me Singing This And She’ll Slip Quietly Out The Back And Never Be Seen Again

Hush little baby! Don’t you cry

Or I’ll play you an elephant lullaby

And all that trumpeting hurts your ears

And sure, maybe daddy’s had one too many beers…

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Betting On A Diamond

You couldn’t love a gambling man,

A pal who plays the odds,

Who shakes the dice and throws a wrench

In the plans of man and Gods.

You said you’d never take a chance

On a poker-faced son

But I’d bet if you took a chance

You’d find me pretty fun.

You used to ace your math exams.

You were the queen of school

But the odds weren’t in your favor

With Jack, the king of cool.

Jack would have told you “yes, of course”

If you asked him to dance

But no-go there! You didn’t dare

To take this simple chance.

So Jack’s bad luck’s my inside straight

So let me take the shot:

If you give me your hand of fate

You may just win a lot.

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Hygiene Standards

I walked down the rows

Of “Bed, Bath, and Beyond“

Smelling hand soaps with names

Like “Starlight” and “Palm Frond”.

Then I left to go back

To “Bob’s Soap Retailer”

Where they sell soap called “White”

And “Hope She Lets You Impale ‘Er”.

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Enthusiasm Has Its Limits

They put a DVD

In the Nintendo Wii.

They told me “Just Dance”

So I ripped off my pants

And now nobody’s playing with me…

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If It’s A Cylinder, It Can Phwoom-Vwoom-Schwaa!

She saw a roll of wrapping paper,

A pool noodle, and a stick.

He saw a lightsaber, a lightsaber, and a lightsaber

Because he has a dick.

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What Do Poets Do At Night? The True Story Revealed!

Tonight I stayed home to guarantee

I could sign up for an event at 6:00 PM.

I spent most of the afternoon watching TV,

Specifically the Seahawks get their ass handed to them.

I was also playing video games

And burning wood to keep my house hot.

I had an awesome time doing everything but

Did I sign up for the event? No I did not.

I spent an evening by myself

Eating cookies and shouting “Dude!”

At the TV, so although I’m a dumby

My man card’s 1,000-percent renewed!

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Midweek Passion

Baby, when I look at you

All sexy Thursday night

I think of how you’d look if you

Would move towards the right

And stand beside the TV screen

All cute. I want to cheer

‘Cause I can watch the game again.

Oh hey, grab me a beer!

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Pokemon Release Day

Today I woke at 5:00 AM

To play a video game

Where I got to go to school

With a crocodile made of flame

And ride a living, dragon motorcycle

Far across the land,

Throwing balls at animals

So they’re at my command.

I took a day off work for this,

Ignored my social life,

Forgot to take a shower with

The girl who’ll be my wife.

All this is the triumph

Of a fully grown adult

Whose parents never let him buy

A pumpkin catapult.

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Bachelorette Parties Just Keep Getting Weirder…

They make elbow pasta,

Bow ties and angel hair,

But I think they should make a noodle

For guys who have a pair:

A noodle like the balls that hang

Behind your pickup truck…

(It was at this point my girlfriend said

I’m already in luck).

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