Tag Archives: Men

An Important Choice

If I were a chess piece

I think I be a rook

Because I sit in corners

If just to read a book,

I like to walk in long straight lines

And don’t think it’s a hassle

When somebody mistakenly

Refers to me as “Castle.”

I’m not pious for bishopping,

Too smart to be a pawny thing,

I lack the boobs to be a queen

Or the balls to be a king…

So it’s either rook, or else a knight

Who’s called a horse sometimes…

Actually, I’m not hung like a rook…

I’m changing my choice. This line rhymes.

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Just Another Way Men Are Casually Oppressed

All the women who play video games

And complain about bikini armor

Never seem to complain about how

Swords and arrows never harm her,

But men are stuck with heavy armor

Instead of a chainmail thong

Because if men could wear female armor

They’d be unbelievably strong.

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Her Heroes?

My lady likes a hairy man

Who eats his food straight from a can,

Walks silently around the house

And saved her from a wild mouse.

Her dream guy sleeps both long and hard.

Around him she lets down her guard.

He can snuggle up at night

And make the whole world feel alright.

She likes the feeling of his tongue,

Not worried he’s no longer young.

The only worry I have is that

Is this guy me, or is it her cat?

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A Midlife Crisis At Any Age

I bought a ‘57 Chevy

(Or what’s left of it, at least)

And I fixed it up so I

Could be a sexy beast.

I cruised it up and down the block

To pick up saucy chicks.

Alas, my ‘57 Chevy

Doesn’t hide that I’m 86.

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What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

Some kids will say “Astronaut”.

Some kids will say “Surgeon.”

Some kids will say “Engineer”

Which means they misspelled “Virgin.”

Some kids will say “A Hero

“Dressed in armor and a cowl.”

But props to the kid who said

“I’d be your girlfriend’s towel.”

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What Every Man Wishes He Could Say To The Woman He Loves

I hope you sleep well dear,

All warm in your bed

With the stars softly kissing

The back of your head,

And the darkness and quiet

And peace coalesce

To relieve you of burdens

And release you from stress.

I hope you are carried

By angels of dreams

To a land of soft mountains

And limerent streams

So that when you awaken

Refreshed and renewed

You’ll finally cook me

Some half decent food!

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At Least I Commit To Finishing Acrostics Though

I is for the intimacy we have yet to share

M is for the the many ways I show you I care

N is for how no one can compare

E is for “except that girl who has the pretty hair.”

V is for how very sorry I will claim to be

E is for that exceptional hair I never will unsee…

R is for I’m really sorry this time. Forgive me?

G is for the gift I’ll buy to say that I’m sorry

E is for how every day you give me another chance.

T is for the tightness you inspire in my pants

T is for your temperance, which totally rhymes with “dance”

I is for how I hope to rekindle our romance

N is for how nuts it is I ogle other girls

G is for “good thing I’m not into hair with sexy curls.”

L is for how light catches her hair as it unfurls…

A is for “Alright, alright! I’ll buy you some new pearls.”

I is for I really wish I were a better dude

D is for “Doggone it, if you weren’t such a prude…”

A is for apologizing for how I am lewd

G is for the golden curls falling upon the nude…

A is for “At least I didn’t finish the previous line.”

I is for the infinite ways you, my dear, are fine.

N is the never being bad again if you’ll remain as mine.

! is the punctuation after you vehemently decline.

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Algebra For Men

My math professor wrote on the board

(X-ch)/i = B

He said, “Solve for X,” and so I began

And with each step I started to see:

I multiplied both sides by i

And found X-ch = Bi

Then added ch to both sides of the figure

And found the prof was my kinda guy!

Instead of this nonsense: (X-ch)/i = B

His X = Bi+ch

And I was the only one who said “Hee hee.”

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The Most Romantic Poem Ever That No Woman Will Understand

When my team is 8 and 6

And my fantasy QB gets sick

You’re the RB1 I start

And throw to when the ground is slick.

You’re the treadmill at the gym

In front of the TV

Where I can watch the Yankees lose

With nobody in front of me.

You’re someone I never thought

Was real, but here you are!

Like a white guy who hates frisbee sports

And never tried to learn guitar.

When I hold your hand I feel

Like I am good at math,

And if you asked me nicely

I might even take a bath.

I think you’re pretty naked

Or in a muumuu, though

I doubt there is a clothing item

That could dull your glow.

I would window shop with you

On our anniversary,

And when you sleep, on the toilet’s edge

I aim so you don’t hear me pee.

You smell like guacamole

And when you hold me tight

I forget to pull my belly in

And I know the world’s alright.

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The Heart Of Man

Sometimes when you look at me

Wide-eyed, uncertain,

The endless doubt and weariness fade

And I hold your hand softly

And kiss you gently;

My whole ego becomes weightless

And I know that I have you

And I don’t deserve you

And I would die a thousand times

To be with you just an hour more.

Sometimes when you look at me

Silently, deeply,

I know exactly how your heart

Is full of warm Summer breezes

And hibernating mammals

Warm in each others’ embrace

Beneath a cold, uncaring world.

Sometimes when you look at me

Gently, longingly,

I wonder how on earth

A stacked team like Rams

Can lose to the freakin’ 49ers in primetime;

Then I try to look at your tits

Without you noticing.

I can’t.

This is what it means to be a man.

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