Tag Archives: Postaday

Works On 5-Year-Olds, So…

Instead of sending crooks to jail

What if we made them eat kale?

I think they’d say that I’m a hero

For the idea that reduced all crime to zero.

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Hogwarts, 2021

If you think a Banshee’s scream is bad

You have never heard

The scream of the mythical Banthey

When one’s been misgendered.

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Bad With Names? Try This One Simple Trick That Oprah Said Is “No Comment”

If everyone in the entire world

Named their kids “Steve Penn”

We’d never have to sign our name

On anything again,

Never have an awkward moment

When you wake up in bed

With someone whose name you forgot…

Just say “Hey Steve” instead!

You’d never wear a name tag,

Never forget who wrote a play…

Everyone would win on Jeopardy

And movie credits would go away.

It’s such a great idea

That I hardly have to sell it,

Even though if everyone’s share’s the name

Baristas would still misspell it.

We would have an era of peace

If everyone were named “Steve Penn.”

That is, until people used middle names

And the chaos returned again…

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Sorry Mr. President, But You Can’t Come Back To Disneyland

Everything was going well

Until I ate that Taco Bell…

For one glorious ride I was a fountain

In the very first car upon Splash Mountain.

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It Was A Valiant Effort At Least…

There once was a poet I knew

Who wrote poems at 11:52.

Tonight he was inspired

To write before he got tired

But, alas, tonight’s poem sucks too…

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That Which Is Not Convoluted May Lack Bewilderment… So Yeah

I’m sporadically baffled, befuddled, and vexed

When traversing a sum of obfuscated text.

Otherwise, sometimes I feel the need

To say in plain english “This is hard to read.”

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Shocking, But More Power To Him, Even Though He Misspelled It (Inspired By Current Events)

My buddy made a statement

That I didn’t really hear

So I looked at him and asked

“Volt times ampere?”

Apparently that wasn’t

The response for which he’d planned,

Thus he retorted “What?”

And I said “I’m shocked you understand!”

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Taaaake… Me To The Ri. Vuh… (Drop me in the wa. Tuh…) But An Octave Lower

The guys who, in the ‘90s,

Made the singing Big Mouth Bass

Will be long renowned by history

For redefining “urban class.”

Alas, they could have changed music

Had they thought ahead so far

As to make an instrument

They called the “bass guitar.”

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Alpha, Delta, Omicron…

A kid with jelly on his hands

Picked up a DVD

And put it in to watch a film

On their big screen TV,

But yet alas, the dirty disc

Got stuck around halfway

And it repeated the same old scene

Even when they pressed “play.”

Then finally they’d had enough

And said “I’ve had enough,”

Pulled out the disk and wiped it off

Then did some other stuff.

A five-year old can figure out

When something isn’t right

To make a new plan without delay

And still have fun that night.

And yet the leaders we voted for

Have yet to grasp this thought,;

Instead they say “shots didn’t work…

“How ‘bout another shot?”

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When You Ask Them To Say “Cheese” And They Say “Take The F***ing Picture Already”

A thin grin, a smile with guile,

A false upward turn of the lips:

Needless to say, if you know a way

To take good family photos, share tips!

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